Sapphic Voices Fan Fiction

The Fifth Amendment

DISCLAIMER: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.

Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.

P.S. Mark Burnett may have been born in England, but he is an Aussie in this Story.
If that offends him... Sorry, mate.

Thanks to everyone at the Tavern Wall for their inspiration. Thanks to Nance, Tino and Elka for beta reading.

E-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian[at]compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio[at]yahoo.com.

Cast Bios

In case you're not one of the 20 people out there who are obssessed with BOTH Survivor (this would be Survivor I, the first and by far the best of the Survivors seasons) and Xena: Warrior Princess, here's a little primer:

Survivor

Rich (just another name for Dick) Hatch

Rich is a corporate communications consultant from Rhode Island. He's a single parent, 38, openly gay, and is a member of the Survivor Tagi tribe. Rich likes to walk around naked, manipulate the other players and is generally seen as the "bad guy" of Survivor.

Susan (my Cajones are bigger than yours) Hawk

Sooozin is a truck driver from Wisconsin. She's married, 38 years old and is a member of the Tagi tribe. Soooozin likes to comb her unruly hair with her very large Bowie knife. She is outspoken (translation: rude) and generally acts the role of the tough, bad-ass chick. Still, she has been unable to win one immunity or reward challenge during her stay on the island. Sooozin is "best friends" with Kelly (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Rudy (That's Mr. Homophobe to you, sailor) Boesch

Rudy is a retired Navy Seal from Virginia and is 72-years-old. His outright curmudgeonly hostility makes him a favorite of the camera crew. Despite his homophobia, Rudy loves to hang out with Rich as they rub lotion on each other's backs.

Colleen (America's Sweetheart) Haskell

Sweet, adorable, gorgeous--did we say sweet?--Colleen is an advertising student from Miami. She is 23 years old and is a member of the Pagong tribe. Colleen "plays nice" and is generally loved by everyone--except Rich. And Soozin. And Kelly. And Rudy--but what do those numbskulls know?!

Kelly (my last name says it all) Wigelsworth

Kelly is a river guide from Las Vegas. She is 22 and a member of the Tagi tribe. Kelly is also known for biting the noses of her ex-boyfriends. This may be why she and Sooozin make such a good team.

Jenna (-sob- -sob- -sob-) Lewis

Jenna is a full-time student from New Hampshire. She's a single mom with two children. She is known for her bikini (which has already made an appearance on the cover of Time) as well as her penchant for bursting into tears at any given moment.

Sean (What letter comes after "d?") Kenniff

Sean claims to be a neurologist from Long Island. His intellect is questionable--to say the least. Sean is 30 and a member of the Tagi team. He is best known for his system of voting people off the Survivor island according to where the person's name falls in the alphabet.

Gervase (Leave me alone you cow, I'm sleeping) Peterson

Gervase is a YMCA basketball coach from Philadelphia. He's 30 years old and he likes to sleep and call women cows.

Joel (don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm a sexist pig) Klug

Joel is a health club consultant from Arkansas. He is 27 and a member of the Pagong tribe. Joel was voted off fairly early, but makes a special guest appearance in The Fifth Amendment.

Greg (I gotta answer my coconut phone) Buis

Greg is the crazy (and we mean that literally) wacky, blonde guy. He is a Brown University graduate. Rumored to have had a romantic interest in Colleen. He's 24 and is a member of the Pagong tribe.

Gretchen (I'm smart, competent and a team player--vote me off the island quick!) Cordy

Smart as a whip, good-hearted Gretchen is a preschool teacher from Tennesse. She is 38 and a member of the Pagong tribe. Though Gretchen was voted off early due to her strength, intelligence and penchant for working hard, she makes a special guest appearance in The Fifth Amendment.

Ramona (I'm too sick to work. No, really, I am!) Gray

Ramona is the resident, big-breasted, science geek. Every island, nay, every home, should have one. She is 29 and a chemist from Edison, New Jersey. Ramona was voted off the island early for not working and being sick. She makes a brief appearance in The Fifth Amendment.

Sonja (I'm a sweet, ukelele player who has survived cancer...vote me off NOW!) Christopher

Sonja is a retired inveestment counselor and musician from Walnut Creek, California. She's 63 and a member of the Tagi tribe. Sonja has the unique distinction of being the first Survivor voted off the show.

Stacey (I didn't win. I'm a lawyer. I'm suing.) Stillman

Stacey is an attorney from San Francisco, California. Hmmm, she might have some difficulty finding a straight man there. Maybe that's why she's so crabby. Stacey is 27 and a member of the Tagi tribe. She was voted off early for being an obnoxious, whining titty baby.

Jeff (Anal) Probst

Jeff is the not-a-hair-nor-stubble-of-beard-out-of-place host of Survivor. It was the only gig he could get and has made this unknown, pseudo pretty-boy a household name.

Mark (I'm King of Reality Television!) Burnett

Not much is known about this shadowy, Aussie/English Survivor producer figure--except that he's the greatest television producer EVER! If you don't believe us, just ask him.



Xena: Warrior Princess

Gabrielle, Bard of Potadaeia

-sigh- The gorgeous goddess herself. Gabrielle is the greatest, best reason to watch the show Xena: Warrior Princess. She was the ONLY reason to watch -ugh- the fifth season of the show. Gabrielle is a Bard and warrior of great reputation. She was a young girl when she left the boredom of her home and family to travel the world with Xena. On many occasions, Gabrielle has been the only thing standing between evil Xena and the destruction of many a village and even the world. Gabrielle is soul mate and lover of Xena. Gabrielle has one child, Hope (dead--usually).

Xena, Warrior Princess

Tall, dark, dangerous, packs a mean punch, Xena is the soul mate and lover of Gabrielle. She is, generally speaking, a reformed warlord on a quest to right her past wrongs and maybe, just maybe, find redemption. Her age is not known, but given that her and Gabrielle's exploits traverse historical events from 1350 B.C.E. (before the common era) to 12 BCE, we'd say they're both kind of on the timeless side of things. Xena has two children: Solan (dead, so very sad) and Eve (alive, unfortunately).

Rob Tapert

Rob Tapert is the executive producer of the television show, Xena: Warrior Princess. He makes all the decisions about how the show is written, how it looks, its content, etc., etc. He didn't do a very good job during the fifth season (a huge understatement, really), so he's being taught the error of his ways.

Aphrodite

Aprhodite is the Goddess of Love. This surfer chick-Goddess helps create havoc upon the Survivor Island. Aphrodite is friends with Gabrielle and manages to tolerate Xena (even though Xena murdered her husband, Hephaestus). While the dimpled beauty has a tendency to focus upon looks and other "outside" attributes, eventually she gets around to the inside of it all: love.

Ares

Ares, former God of War, is bro to the Goddess of Love. He used to be the coolest, best-looking and muscled villain (not to mentiona real god), but then he turned into a stalking, sexual psychopath (because of Tapert) during the fifth season. Ares makes a memorable song-and-dance appearance in The Fifth Amendment.

Antony

Yes, THAT Antony--as in Cleopatra and. He and Xena had a thing in the fifth season--but she killed him.

Hope

Gabrielle's not-so-immaculate conception. Gabrielle was impregnated by an evil god, Dahok, and bore a half-human, half-god child whom she named Hope. Xena tried to kill the baby, believing it to be evil. Gabrielle saved the baby, believing her not to be evil. But in order for her to do this, Gabrielle had to give up Hope and lie to Xena. Hope, left to only her father's influence, turned evil. She also grew into adulthood at a supernatural rate. Hope killed Solan (Xena's son) and a few other people in a thwarted attempt to take over the world. Gabrielle ends up killing Hope--twice--or was it three times? We forget.

Eve

Xena's immaculate conception--not to be confused with Madonna's Immaculate Collection. Eve's birth supposedly signalled the fall of the Olympian gods. Xena and Gabrielle, in an attempt to protect Eve from the gods, put on a daring plan that went all wrong, leaving our heroines asleep for 25 years. They awaken to find that Eve has grown into a murdering warlord and has slaughtered, crucified and tortured thousands of people. Eve was then redeemed--by a shaft of light--and except for some "I'm kinda sorry about all that killing I did," whining, apparently doesn't have to pay for her war crimes.

Borias

Borias is a former warlord who was Xena's lover about ten-plus years ago (or maybe that was 35-plus years ago... when taking into consideration the fifth-season time leap). He and Xena had one child together (Solan). They parted ways unamicably. He talks with a funny accent. Oh yeah, and he's dead.

Ephiny

Ephiny is a sister Amazon to Gabrielle. She fooled around with a centaur (you know, half-human, half-horse--big ole hooves) and got preggers. Xena delivered the child via the world's very first C-section--with no pain-killers. Ephiny might have a tiny Amazon axe to grind with Tapert over that one. Oh yeah, she's dead, too.

Alti

Reaaaaalllly tall, dark and creepy, Alti is a favorite bad chick and enemy of Xena. Alti and Xena have an--um--history that includes Alti offering Xena a pretty young thang to play with. Um, yup, dead.

Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman

O & K were writers/producers on Xena: Warrior Princess. They are generally blamed for the debacle known as the fifth season. If you don't believe us, just ask Rob (who me? It's not my fault!) Tapert.

Chris Manheim

Chris has been a writer/story editor on the show since season one. However, she lost her mind during S5 and decided Xena "needed a boyfriend." And who better than Ares--the guy who was rumored to be Xena's father, and has framed, tried to kill, persecuted, driven mad and stalked the Warrior Princess--to be Xena's boyfriend? She is generally faulted for many of the problems of the fifth season. If you don't believe us, just ask Rob (dammit, I told you it's not my fault!) Tapert.

Steven Sears

Steven has been a writer on the show from S1 through the end of S4 and with an episode or two in S5. He always wrote Gabrielle as strong, intelligent and as an equal to Xena. This may be why he left at the beginning of fifth season.

Liz Friedman

Openly gay producer of the show from seasons one through four.

Joseph Lo Duca

Music composer for the show. The only member of the Xena: Warrior Princess staff to have been nominated for and won an Emmy.

Joxer

Stupid guy with a strainer on his shirt. 'Nuff said.


The Fifth Season of Xena: Warrior Princess

The worst season--ever.

Island Goddesses

Mezzo

Gemini, fan of Xena: Warrior Princess (or as she likes to think of it: The Gorgeous Gabrielle Adventure Hour), well, at least the first four seasons and a smattering of eps in the horrid fifth season. She is also a huge fan of season one Survivor, thought season two was OK and that season three sucked and blew wind all at the same time (and while an amazing feat, still not entertaing). Mezzo is a first-time fan fic writer and harlot for the goddess ROC. She lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

godconnie

Another devoted Gabrielle/ROC fan, godconnie has seen every episode of Xena: Warrior Princess at least once and feels compelled to say that she hated every one that had the word "King" in the title. She's also convinced that many Season 5 episodes originally had the word "King" in the title, but the powers that be changed them at the last minute in order to trick her into viewing. (The manipulative bastards!) As evidence that she has no life outside of her living room, gc has also seen every episode of Survivor. A Scorpio, she shares a birthday with adorable Season 3 winner, Ethan Zohn, whom she picked to win from the beginning (but she isn't bragging or anything). Also a first-time fan fic author, she resides in the US midwest, somewhere between Cleveland and Pittsburgh.

If you have enjoyed Mezzo and godconnie's "The Fifth Amendment", then please be certain to e-mail Mezzo at  vkellyian[at]compuserve.com  and godconnie at  ariesscorpio[at]yahoo.com  and thank them for posting this Story.

Click here to begin "The Fifth Amendment, Part One"

Click here for a list of all of Mezzo's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.

Click here for a list of all of godconnie's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.

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