Sapphic Voices Fan Fiction

The Fifth Amendment

Part Five

DISCLAIMER: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.

Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.

P.S. Mark Burnett may have been born in England, but he is an Aussie in this Story.
If that offends him... Sorry, mate.

Thanks to everyone at the Tavern Wall for their inspiration. Thanks to Nance, Tino and Elka for beta reading.

E-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian[at]compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio[at]yahoo.com.

Part Five

Richard had been wandering up and down the beach looking for Colleen's Island Goddesses for some time now. He was tired and cranky and had been in danger of breaking a nail on more than one occasion. He headed into the jungle undergrowth to escape the oppressive heat. Catching his foot on an exposed tree root, Rich stumbled and fell, rolling down a ravine. His natural padding saved him from numerous bruises and scratches on the way down. The seemingly unlucky corporate trainer looked to the top of the ravine. It was going to be quite a climb back up. He sighed heavily and began searching for a vine to begin his ascent when he heard whispering. He cocked his head, smiled evilly and sneaked off in the direction of the sounds.

"Whoa!" exclaimed the technician that Mark Burnett had put in charge of monitoring Richard's moves.

"What?" Burnett asked excitedly, having just returned to the control room.

"His movement went from its normal lumbering to lightning fast," the young man explained. "And then back to slow motion."

"That's strange," Mark said as he bent over the radar screen. "I wonder what he's up to?"

"It looks like he's heading toward the forbidden caves," the technician offered.

Why would he go there? the Aussie wondered. Unless...his blood ran cold. "Tapert..." he snarled.

"Excuse me?"

"Can we get our remote-controlled hover-cam over there?"

"Sure," answered the tech. "It might take a couple of minutes."

"Do it," Burnett instructed as his upper lip began to twitch.


Richard peeked through a large bush to see two--what even he had to admit--dazzlingly luminous, dark-haired women.

godconnie and Mezzo were deep in conversation about plot, dialogue and character consistency when Richard burst through the bushes and into their view.

"Aha! I've got you now!" he screamed gleefully.

Mezzo and godconnie's eyes turned the shape of beautiful china saucers.

"Mezzo, how'd he get out?!" cried the dimpled vixen, godconnie.

"I told you that we over-plotted ourselves, gc! Now the characters are escaping!" replied the heavenly siren, Mezzo, in alarm.

The two goddesses looked at each other. "To the Fanfic Cave!" they yelled in unison as they began running.

"It's too late!" squealed Rich, slamming his right bare foot onto the ground with a hip thrust that would make Richard Simmons envious. "I know who you are and what you're doing! And I want Gabe and the money or I'll bring this whole she-bang crashing down around your ears!!!"

The hauntingly radiant authors froze in mid-run.

"All right, you got us, Rich," said godconnie, attempting to placate the girthful demon from fan fiction hell.

"So, whaddaya want, Rich, huh?" asked Mezzo, breaking into a beautiful and sexy sweat and wondering how the hell they were going to get out of this one. "We can give you anything. A private concert by Ricky Martin? A guest spot on the new
Midler show?"

"Tempting...but no," said Richard. "I want Gabe and the money."

"Richard, c'mon brother," winked cool-as-a-delicious-cucumber godconnie whose brilliant mind had already devised a way out of the predicament. "The money's no problem. We can make it so you win. We'll just throw in a last minute cat fight between Soozin and Kelly. We'll even write a glorious white trash speech for Soozin to give at Tribal Council. You're a shoe-in. But, dude, you can't have Gabrielle. She's a girl. You don't like girls."

"Gabe is a man!" insisted Rich. "Rock-hard buttocks, manly he-breasts..."

"Come on, Rich. We'll prove it to you," said Mezzo, catching onto godconnie's plan.

"No trick?" said an unbelieving Rich.

"Well, we can't trick you now because you've discovered us," explained Mezzo. "We can't manipulate you anymore."

"Who says?" exclaimed an incredulous godconnie.

Mezzo narrowed her luscious green eyes menacingly at the sumptuous godconnie. "The wizard says."

"Wizard? Oh yeah, the wizard," smiled godconnie who turned back to Rich. "Take our hands, click your heels together three times and say, 'There's no face like Gabrielle's... There's no face like Gabrielle's...'"

Mark Burnett's six-million-dollar hover-cam floated over the clearing just as the threesome joined hands.

"Who the hell are they?" asked an irate Burnett upon seeing the voluptuous vamps on either side of his chosen.

Rich uttered the magic words, clicked his bare heels together, and the gay trio disappeared in a bright, rainbow-colored flash of light.

"Sonofabitch!" yelled the Survivor mastermind as he slammed his fists down on the outrageously expensive control panel.

"Where did they go?" asked the thoroughly perplexed technician.

Richard and his gorgeous guides reappeared next to a steamy hot tub on the Survivor yacht anchored in the island bay.

"Xena just won the reward challenge," whispered Mezzo to Rich.

"The reward was an hour in a hot tub. She was allowed to bring one other person from the island," added godconnie. "She chose Gabrielle, of course."

"Gabe!" growled Richard. "By the way, can they see us?" He wasn't looking forward to another neck pinch if the fearsome warrior caught him ogling Gabe's luscious butt.

"No," replied Mezzo, who was feeling like a peeping harlot.

("I read that and we're not peeping harlots," exclaimed an indignant godconnie. "It's for the cause!")

("Oh, the things we do for the cause," said Mezzo, flinging the back of her hand over her forehead.)

The world slowed down to an exquisite crawl as the three watched Xena and Gabrielle soaking in the hot tub. The dark warrior and the blonde bard were laughing about something as they bathed.

"Gods," whispered Mezzo, "When have we last heard them laugh?"

"It's a beautiful sound, isn't it?" murmured godconnie.

There was a playful, comfortable mood between the two women. Gabrielle washed Xena's hair and whispered in the warrior's ear. Xena chuckled and flicked some water back on the grinning bard. It was as if no one existed in the world but the two of them at that moment.

Gabrielle rose from the water to fetch a towel. Mezzo and godconnie quickly turned their backs in respect for her privacy.

Richard leered shamelessly as water inched languidly down the blonde's chest and tight abdomen.

"Now, Richard, really, do those look like he-man breasts?" inquired godconnie over her shoulder, shielding her eyes from the blinding vision before her.

"So they're....big. So are mine," Richard retorted.

gc rolled her eyes. Mezzo gave a heavy sigh and shrug.

"Rich, sweetie, she's missing some parts that you're rather fond of," pointed out Mezzo.

"Maybe the part that I'm really fond of is... well... tiny...." Richard looked closely at the blonde. "Very, very, very tiny." He paused and then spun around, facing the same direction as his companions. "What was that deal about me winning all the money?"

The island beauties winked at each other.

"We knew you'd come around eventually, Rich," godconnie announced as she and Mezzo each took the reformed Red-Shirt wannabe by an arm.

"Let's talk strategy, objectives...and deliverables," said Mezzo.

"We've got a problem we need you to take care of and his initials are Rob Tapert..." added godconnie.

"Then we'll drop you off at the camp," Mezzo continued. "Whaddaya say?"

Richard shrugged with a bit of uncertainty but nodded his consent.

gc waved her hand and the three disappeared in a flash of disco ball glitter.

--------

The jungle vegetation grew thicker the further inward Tapert ventured. He had lost all track of time and was beginning to worry that the sun would be setting soon.

"Luuuuuuuuuuucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!" he yelled to no avail for the hundredth time that day. Where the hell am I? he whined to himself.

"You're being led on a wild goose chase, that's where!" chirped a hovering hummingbird whose voice sounded exactly like that of Chris Manheim, co-producer of XWP's fifth season.

"Not true!" clucked a second hummingbird that, strangely, wore a small fedora hat. "You're being taught a lesson in respect!"

"Steve?" Tapert looked closely at the capped fowl. "Steve Sears? Is that you?"

"You shouldn't have screwed around with the subtext, Rob. If anything, you should have gone maintext!" the male bird trilled.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" squawked the female.

"Who asked you?" the male flapped at her.

"I still work for RenPics, Stevie..." she hooted. "You need only concern yourself with your little animorphing bimbo show now."

"I'll show you an animorph!" he crowed and transformed himself into a towering black bear; a larger fedora now topping his head.

"Is that the best you can do, little man?" she fluttered and metamorphosed into a raging raptor.

"I'm outta here!" yelped Tapert.

"Wait!" the competitive creatures cried in unison. The rusty-haired man froze.

"I'm here to help," said the female as she returned to her feathered form.

"No, you're here to pitch him more stories that feature Xena swapping spit with Ares or Antony or some other muscled-bound jughead!"

"Sorry, Steven, but those intimate bathtub scenes between the warrior and bard are history, just like you! Right, Rob?"

"I don't know if I'd go that fa..." Tapert was cut off.

"You are a stone cold fool!" the hat-wearing bear roared at the tiny bird. "The subtextual relationship between Xena and Gabrielle is what makes the show stand apart from all of the other drivel on television!"

"That's not entirely tr..." Rob was interrupted again.

"Don't you dare play the subtext card!" the female screeched at the bear. "You know it only appeals to a few horny straight guys and a bunch of desperate lesbians!"

"Actually, our research sho..." The executive producer was denied voicing his opinion again.

"That's rubbish!" the furry male barked at the winged vertebrate. "You're just a raging homophobe!"

"No," Tapert tried to come to the bird's defense. "She's n..."

"Lucy was pregnant!" the fluttering fowl broke in. "We couldn't have a new mother making goo-goo eyes at her best friend! It's just too... hinkey!"

"Bullshit!" growled the grizzly. "A new mother can't make goo-goo eyes at her loyal, loving partner of many years, but she can seduce her arch-nemesis-turned-sleazy-stalker by stripping for him and biting his hairy nipple?"

"Well, I thought it was sexy!" Manhiem said with conviction.

"You're deluded and he's a coward!" roared Sears.

"Hey!" the executive producer took offense to the remark.

"The only reason Rob didn't go all the way with Xena and Gabrielle is because he knew the advertisers wouldn't back him!" the bear continued.

"No money, no seri..." Tapert attempted.

"Shut up!" they both yelled at the executive producer.

"Oh god!" the hummingbird gasped, coming to her senses. "I didn't mean that, Rob!"

"I did," the black bear mumbled under his breath.

"What are you even doing here, Steve?" asked Tapert. "You have your own show."

"I'm here to represent the pro-Gabrielle crowd." He shrugged his wooly shoulders matter-of-factly.

"The show is called, Xena, moron," quipped the hummingbird.

"Thanks Chris," said the redhead. "You are Chris, right?"

"Uh," she thought about that for a moment. "That depends on whether or not you're upset with me."

"That has yet to be determined," he stated, prompting a tiny gulp from the tiny creature. "How did you get in these bodies, anyway?"

"We wrote them," answered Chris.

"It was my idea," declared Sears. "The others plagiarized."

"Yes, he's a genius," she said sarcastically. "He gets one idea and squeezes it dry."

"Kiss my furry ass!"

"Whoa!" Tapert broke in again. "Let's not go there!"

Sears bared his incredibly sharp teeth at the hovering hummingbird.

"Ooh! Scary!" she mocked him.

"Aren't your wings tired yet?" he hoped the power of suggestion would work its magic.

"Focus!" Tapert pointed to himself. They returned their attention to him. "You decided to appear in the form of animals because..."

"We thought we'd be able to blend in this way," explained Steve.

"Yeah," Manheim agreed. "We didn't think anyone would notice a couple extra hummingbirds." She looked at Sears. "Or whatever."

"Otherwise, Renee would flush you out and kick your asses, right?" deduced the redhead.

"Renee?" pondered Chris.

"What's she got to do with this?" questioned Steve.

"She's behind all of this!" declared Tapert, throwing his hands in the air.

"I'm pretty sure she's off planning her wedding," Manheim assured him.

"No! She's here!" Rob proclaimed. "Plotting my doom!"

"Renee doesn't have a vengeful bone in her body," said the former staff writer, Sears.

"That's what she wants you to think!"

"Honestly, Rob," Chris said sincerely. "Renee has nothing to do with this."

"Then who?" he demanded.

"It's the fa..." Before she could finish, a giant, big-breasted, green-eyed raven swooped down and swallowed her up.

"What the hell?" Tapert searched the sky.

"Finally!" Sears laughed out loud.

"What's going on here, Steven?" the redhead said, trembling.

"Divine retribution, my friend," the large animal smiled. "Divine retribution."

"Is..." Tapert whispered. "Is Chris dead?"

"No, just edited out of the story," Sears explained.

"Are you making sense?"

"Would you understand me if I were?"

"What?" asked a confused Tapert.

"Exactly."

Rob rubbed his throbbing temples and decided to cut to the chase. "Do you know the way home?"

"Maybe I don't," Sears continued to toy with him. "And maybe I don't."

"Knock it off!"

"I can show you the way back to camp though..."

"No joke?" asked a cautious Tapert.

"No joke." In an instant, Sears was transformed back into a hummingbird. "Follow me," he ordered his former employer as he took off in the direction of the Survivor campsite.

--------

An hour in a relaxing hot tub had done wonders for Xena and Gabrielle's mood. For a short while, they had even forgotten that they were trapped on a remote island in the middle of who-knows-where.

"Wouldn't it be fun if people could come to a magical island," the bard mused between bites of pineapple. "And have their wildest dreams come true?"

"Huh?" asked the distracted warrior who was inspecting every nook and cranny of Probst's motor-powered yacht, trying to figure out where the mast and sail were hidden.

"I think I might write a story like that," Gabrielle said, more to herself than anyone else. "I'll call it... Fantasy Island."

"Uh, yeah," Xena replied, catching the last part of her soulmate's comment. "Right after you finish Nightmare Before Solstice."

"Hey!" the blonde feigned offense. "Are you mocking me?"

"Yup," the warrior winked. Gabrielle launched a piece of pineapple at the brunette who expertly caught it between her teeth and broke into a Cheshire grin.

"Smart ass," the blonde chuckled.

"Why don't you get up off of your smart ass," suggested a good-humored Xena. "And help me figure out how to sail this thing?"

"Do you think that's wise?" the bard asked as she rose from the comfortable lounge chair she'd claimed half an hour before.

"You don't?"

"How can we confront the Island Goddesses if we sail away?" the blonde wondered.

"If they're goddesses, Gabrielle," the warrior reasoned. "They'll either stop us from leaving or they'll come after us, thus creating a confrontation."

The Amazon bit her lower lip and contemplated her partner's logic.

"Are you just going to stand there?" Xena asked after a long moment of silence.

"I'm thinking."

"Well, stop it."

"Very funny."

The warrior raised a questioning eyebrow and waited for the bard to make a decision.

"All right," Gabrielle sighed dramatically. "I'll help."

Xena smiled at her friend's theatrics, knowing that it was all in fun.

"Do you want to check the upper deck or down below?" asked the bard.

The warrior shrugged. "Makes no difference to me."

"You take the high road, I'll take the low," Gabrielle said cheerily, heading for the nearby descending staircase.

"Yell if you find anything," Xena added as she mounted the steps, two at a time, for the level above.

Below deck, the bard found herself in a tastefully decorated living quarter. There was a large, leather couch in the middle of the room; a bar lined the left side while windows lined the right. This allowed a generous amount of light into the cabin. A massive entertainment center stood against the wall just inside the door. Gabrielle studied it closely. Running her fingers along the frame of the television, she curiously applied pressure to the buttons at the bottom. One of the buttons caused the appliance to flicker to life, giving her a serious fright.

"What the?" she jumped back from the glowing box, her eyes widening at the vision before her. Two young women were making love on a queen-sized bed. The Amazon slowly reached forward and pushed the button again. The picture went black. She ran the palm of her hand over the front of the screen and felt a slight tingling sensation.

"That's peculiar..." she thought. Another push of the button brought the box back to life. This time, the women were rolling around on the floor, next to the bed. The music - if you could call it that - was nerve-wracking. Gabrielle pushed a different button and the screen changed to a series of quick moving pictures of a man driving some sort of mechanical chariot. Another push and the rectangle filled with a close-up of a beautiful bald woman. Her eyes were brimming with tears as she sang about a lost love.

"Xena!!!" Gabrielle screamed louder than necessary. The warrior was rushing down the stairs, chakram in hand, within seconds.

"Gabrielle! What's wrong?!"

The bard nodded at the animated box. "I think I found television," she breathed, staring intensely at the image before her.

"All the flowers that you planted, mama..." sang the onscreen siren. "...In the back yard. All died when you went away..."

"She's lovely," the blonde whispered.

Xena cleared her throat.

"Of course," the bard covered her tracks. "She doesn't begin to compare to you..."

"Cause nothing compares to you," the chanteuse warbled as if on cue. Both Xena and Gabrielle gasped and stared at the apparition before them as she repeated the line over and over.

The bard raised a wary hand and knocked on the glass screen. "Hello?" she spoke to the singing woman. "Can you hear us?"

The vocalist continued to lament her lost love. Finally, her image faded away as another young woman appeared. She was speaking into a microphone - Xena and Gabrielle had seen those at the campsite and Aphrodite had tried to explain the device to the bard when they met on the beach.

"That was a blast from the past," spoke the woman on the television. "1990, to be exact."

"1990?" murmured the warrior.

"In the ten years since then," the woman continued. "Sinead O'Connor has gone from inspiring religious outrage to national wrath to waning interest..."

"Holy Mother of Zeus, Gabrielle," Xena exclaimed. "We're over 2000 years in the future.

"That explains a few things," the bard said, wide-eyed. "I guess..." She pushed another button on the console and the screen was filled with one stationary shot of two men running and sliding on opposite ends of a red-orange field of clay. Each man took turns swatting a small, yellow ball over a net that was strung between the two of them.

"Quinze-zero," said a disembodied voice as the ball slammed into the net.

Gabrielle pushed the button again. This time, the two women she had seen earlier were tangled in a complicated sexual position. Both warrior and bard angled their heads to the right in order to get a better view of the action.

"That's not humanly possible..." stated the awestruck blonde.

"Sure it is," Xena replied nonchalantly. Gabrielle gave her partner the evil eye. "Obviously!" the warrior pointed at the screen. The bard squinted in contemplation. "What else they got down here?" Xena walked quickly away from the TV, hoping to change the subject.

"Hmmph," the bard grumbled quietly and pushed the button that made the screen go black.

"This looks like a tavern," the warrior said as she strolled behind the bar. Gabrielle watched quietly with folded arms.

Xena opened the door of a small refrigerator. "Hey! Look! An icebox!" She held up a piece of ice as evidence. The bard seemed unimpressed. Xena threw the ice back into the box and closed the door. "What's this?" she asked as she pulled a lever marked "Bud". A foamy, yellow liquid shot out of a connecting metal faucet. "Woah!" the warrior jumped back as she released the handle.

"What is it?" asked a concerned Gabrielle as she came closer.

Xena grabbed a nearby mug and held it under the tap. She drew the lever more slowly, then brought the mug to her nose.

"Smells a little like ale," she announced. The warrior shrugged her shoulders. "Here goes nothin'," she said as she raised the glass to her lips.

"Xena!" the blonde warned, but it was too late.

After a taking large swig of the mystery brew, the warrior spit the fluid all over the floor. "In the name of Eli and all the powers of Heaven, that is the most putrid swill I have ever tasted!"

"Even worse than Joxer's soup?" the bard cringed.

"Okay," Xena conceded, wiping her open mouth with the back of her hand. "It's the second most putrid swill I've ever tasted." She made a sour face and stuck out her tongue.

"Well, that's what you get for trying something without knowing what it is..." Gabrielle chastised.

It was Xena's turn to lob the evil eye. Gabrielle volleyed with a mischievous lift of the brow.

"Looky here," the bard said as she picked up the stereo remote control that was lying on the counter. "More buttons." She pressed the one marked Power and the room was filled with loud, thumping pop music.

"Oh baby, baby," the teenaged voice blared through the large corner speakers. "How was I supposed to know... That something wasn't right here..."

"What is that noise?" the warrior grimaced as she covered her ears.

Gabrielle pressed the button again and the music stopped. "Sorry."

Xena took the remote from Gabrielle's hand. "Don't ever do that again."

"I said I was sorry," shrugged the blonde.

"Have you noticed that everything here seems to respond to buttons and levers?" asked the warrior as she hid the remote control behind the bar.

"That does seem to be the case..."

"Come upstairs," said Xena. "I want to show you something."

--------

Steven Sears, still in hummingbird form, lead Rob Tapert back to the outskirts of the Survivor camp.

"There you go," offered Sears. "Back to civilization."

"You call that civilization?" asked an incredulous Tapert.

"Well, it's better than wandering around - lost - in the jungle in the middle of the night," said Sears. "Not that that wouldn't be the perfect metaphor for your recent creative floundering," he added under his breath.

"I'm standing right here!" hollered Rob, having heard Steve's comments. "Doesn't anyone on this island possess an ounce of refinement?"

"Gabrielle's here," the former XWP scribe submitted. "But you don't seem to have much respect for her."

"Gabrielle," Tapert explained calmly. "Is a fictional character. She can't be here."

"Rob," Sears returned, equally calm. "You're denying the possibility of meeting a fictional character while having a conversation with a hummingbird."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Nothing," Sears shook his tiny, fedora-covered head. "I'm not trying to say anything.

"You're just like Renee," grumbled the executive producer. "Always trying to get one over on me."

"For the last time!" the hummingbird shouted as loudly as he could. "Renee is not trying to get anything over on you! She has nothing to do with this! What do I have to do to make you understand that?!"

"Understand what?" Rob asked blankly.

"Arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!" howled Sears as he flew a few feet back from Tapert, overwhelmed with the need to physically distance himself from such mind-numbing obtuseness.

"Wait a minute..." the rusty-haired man said as a dim bulb flickered over his head. "You're saying that Renee isn't out to get me?"

"Bingo!" Sears yelled so hard that his tiny eyes nearly popped out of his tiny head.

"So I really am hallucinating..." Tapert said to himself.

"That's it!" declared an exasperated Sears. "I'm outta here!"

"No! Steve!" Tapert cried as the small fowl disappeared into the trees. He squinted and tried to determine if his guide had left him for good or if he was just hiding. "Steve?"

There was no sound but the slight rustling of wind through the leaves.

"Fine! Leave a friend in need!" Tapert whined loudly. "You never came up with any good stories anyway! And Sheena?! Come on! It's just a tired re-tread of someone else's idea!" The irritated executive began the familiar trek back to camp. "You'll never catch me turning Xena into an animal," he muttered as he went.

--------

Having easily found the button that produced the retrireview of the power boat's anchor, the bard and warrior made their way to the top deck of the Survivor yacht. After studying the control panel for a few minutes, Gabrielle decided that the button marked Power would be their best bet for sailing. She pressed it quickly and the engine roared to life.

"Yikes!" the blonde cried out as she looked around her for any signs of trouble.

"It sounds like the Barrachus," Xena reminisced.

"I wonder what this does?" asked the bard as she pushed a silver lever away from her. The boat lurched forward so abruptly that both women were thrown to the floor. "Oof!" the Amazon exhaled as her rump connected with a portion of the metal railing that encircled the deck.

As they regained their balance, the warrior took a moment to bestow upon the bard a rather daunting snarl. Gabrielle glared back at Xena and rubbed her backside.

"That's what you get for trying something without knowing what it is," the warrior happily threw the bard's words back at her.

"Hey," quipped Gabrielle. "At least I got the boat moving."

"I'll give you that much," the warrior granted with a hidden smile.

"Now what?" asked the Amazon as they both approached the control panel a second time.

"Hold on," ordered Xena as she moved the lever slowly forward and guided the yacht away from the island with the steering wheel.

"Wow," cracked Gabrielle. "You really do have many skills."

Xena smiled slyly and winked at her partner. Unfortunately for both of them, Xena's skills did not include recognizing when a fuel gauge was fast approaching Empty.

--------

"Aw, Jesus..." Soozin groaned as she spotted the approaching figure. "Here comes Taahpert again."

Colleen scrunched up her perfect little nose.

"I don't know why you guys react so negatively to him," stated Sean. "He's a good looking guy and clearly successful."

"You got a crush on him, Sean?" laughed Kelly.

"No. I just don't know what's wrong with you women these days," he said defensively. "I mean, you're stranded on a deserted island for over a month with an old guy, a lazy guy, a fat, naked, gay guy, and a fairly attractive surgeon and you all still refuse to sleep with me!"

"We aren't here for sex, Sean," the co-ed explained.

"Why not?!" bellowed the doctor.

"We came here to win a million dollars, ya dumbass," Soo chimed in. "Not to get laid."

"But don't you see? You could have both!" he desperately tried to convince them.

"We don't want both!" growled Kelly.

"Ever?" asked Jenna.

"No," Kelly sighed. "I mean with him.

Jenna considered this. "But what if he was the last man on Earth?"

"Yeah!" Sean chirped through his swollen nasal passages. "What if I was the last man on Earth?"

"Sean," Kelly replied solemnly. "If you were the last man on Earth... Soozin would be gettin' her Wigglesworth."

"Gruesome mental picture!" Colleen squealed and waved her hands in an attempt to push the image away.

Upon reaching the campsite, Tapert heard only Colleen's remark. "Let me guess..." he broke in uninvited. "Sears showed you a preview of the new show."

"Sears has a new show?" asked an intrigued Jenna. "Is it on the Home Shopping Network?"

"What?" questioned Tapert.

"I really need to buy some new bedding for the girls when I get home," said the young mother of two.

"Ooo..." moaned Soozin. "Maybe Sears is gonna give us a free shoppin' spree!"

"Why would Steve give you wenches anything for free?" asked Tapert.

"Who's Steve?" inquired Kelly.

"Sears!" he barked. "Steven Sears!"

"Maybe he wants ta promote his store, Taahpert," Soo said condescendingly.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked the befuddled executive producer.

"I'm talkin' 'bout free booty," replied Soo. "Whaddaya think I was talkin' about?"

"I'd like some free booty," thought Sean, who had been pouting ever since losing his audience to the red-haired TV exec.

"I thought you were talking about Sheen..."

"Why don't youse broads shut yer pieholes!" interrupted Rudy. "Ya got nothin' important ta say, so don't say nothin'!"

"Hey!" shouted Colleen.

"Hush, girlie!" the old man instructed.

"No, really!" the co-ed continued, pointing out to sea. "Isn't that Probst's yacht?"

Tapert and the Survivors turned their attention toward the large motor boat as it sailed past their camp.

"I wonder if Jeff is feeling better?" asked Jenna to no one in particular. "He was acting a little peculiar today."

"He don't usually take this route," said the always suspicious Soo. "What's he up to?"

"There was a yacht nearby and none of you reprobates felt the need to share that information with me?" howled Tapert. He took a few angry strides towards the water. "I could have been out of here two days ago!!!"

At that moment, the landlocked spectators heard the yacht's distant motor sputter and expire.

--------

"That can't be good," stated Gabrielle as she felt the boat lose its momentum.

Xena pushed the metal lever as far forward as it would go but the engine failed to respond.

"It died," the perplexed warrior announced.

"You killed it?" asked the bewildered bard. "I mean, Xena... You've killed a lot of things in your time, but to kill a boat?!"

"I didn't kill it!" the brunette said defensively. "It just died!"

"Boats don't die!"

"Well, this one did!" Xena pushed the POWER button a few times and bent down to look under the control console with the same false mechanic know-how as many a deluded 20th century man. "All I see here are a bunch of wires."

"What's that?" asked a very still Gabrielle.

"What's what?" replied Xena, looking up at the blonde.

"Listen," the Amazon whispered.

A low whistling sound could be heard coming from the vast open space above the ocean. The warrior stood to get a better take on the noise, a swelling breeze blowing back her hair. Her brow creased in deep concern as the noise continued to grow louder until it howled like a shrieking banshee. "Hold on to something, Gabrielle!" she shouted as a great gust of wind hit the side of the boat.

"Not another freak water incident!" cried the harried bard as the waves began to rise and the boat was blown toward shore.

"Ow! That hurts!" whined the already bruised Sean as he and the other onlookers shielded their faces from the stinging sand and water that had started coming their way.

Within minutes, the once powerful Survivor yacht was forced onto the beach by the mighty breeze. And if that weren't impressive enough, once the boat met the shore, it was toppled over onto its side, the warrior and bard sent tumbling to the wet sand beneath them.

"Sonofabacchae!" growled Xena, rolling into a standing position.

"What was that you said earlier about the Island Goddesses stopping us from escaping?" queried Gabrielle as she lifted herself up onto her elbows.

"You know..." the warrior confessed while slapping the saturated grit from her leathers. "Sometimes I'd like to be wrong about something."

"Oh you are, Warrior Princess," cracked Gabrielle as she rose to her feet. "You just never want to admit it."

"Very funny," Xena said flatly as she approached her grimy partner. "You got a little right there," she pointed to the blonde's breasts.

"Where?" Gabrielle looked down and was met with a gentle flick to the nose.

"Gotcha," the warrior chuckled and walked away.

Gabrielle closed her eyes, knowing she'd fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book. She shook her head, smiled and followed after her soulmate.

--------

A few hundred yards outside of the Survivor camp, a rainbow swirling whirlpool appeared and out of it stepped godconnie and Mezzo with Rich in tow.

"You've got the supplies and you know what to do, right, Rich?" asked godconnie.

"Yeah. Sure." replied the always-arrogant Rich. The Island Goddesses looked at each other, realizing they had, indeed, entered into a deal witt the devil himself. But what are a couple of gorgeous girls to do?

Mezzo looked at her watch. "Heavens! Look at the time. Come on, goddess of all things Connie. We have much more multi-tasking to accomplish." godconnie nodded and the two stepped back through the whirlpool.

Rich tucked his supplies away. He would need them later. His heart still hurt to find out that Gabe was really Gabrielle. But this Tapert guy had a lot of charm in a receding hairline kind of way. He was tall and had curly red hair and a lovely, plump ass. Rich sighed. But Tapert was no Gabe. Still, this was his chance at winning the game, the glory...and the money. Rich set about the task at hand.

--------

Night had fallen on the tropical island. It was cool and crisp and the Survivor camp was fairly quiet. The remaining Survivors, save for Rich, were asleep near the fire. Xena and Gabrielle lay in each other's arms. The stars shone brightly on them.

Good lighting, thought Tapert as he stared at the two with not a small amount of jealousy. He had been more than patient with this whole "I'm Xena" business from Lucy-- but this... this was just too much-- although, it was kind of a turn-on.

Tapert sighed. Maybe that Colleen chick is right. Maybe I am in a fan fiction, he thought. What if that really is Xena and Gabrielle? Tapert watched the Warrior Princess in her sleep. She is glorious, he mused. And her head had already healed from the bump she received earlier. And she was, frankly, more attractive than Lucy and she kicked ass and, oh, those eyes... Tapert shook his head, wondering where these bizarre thoughts were coming from. Lucy was his wife and she was real! He stood up and headed into the jungle.

"Where ya goin' thahr?" Sooozin's irritating voice rang out.

"Potty humor...er, break," replied Tapert.

The executive producer wandered away from camp until he found himself in a small, grassy meadow. It was surrounded by trees and offered a beautiful view of the moon. He was thinking on what new manner of evil could befall Gabrielle in Season Six as he relieved himself.

He was headed back to camp when she appeared. Jet black hair and piercing blue eyes gazed at him from the trees.

"Xena?" said Tapert.

"It's me," she replied, her voice low and husky. "I was looking for you."

She approached him, all leg and thighs and Tapert wished they'd wrap around him and squeeze the life right out. What a way to go. The dark woman grabbed him and pulled him into a blazing kiss. Tapert surrendered.

"It's always been you, Xena," he gasped breathlessly as they tore themselves from each other's lips.

"Prove it, lover boy," she responded as the two figures melted into the ground.

It was a night of passionate lovemaking such as Tapert had never experienced and could not quite remember the details...except that it felt good. Exhausted and sated, he lay in her strong, unusually hairy arms, not knowing where he ended and where she began...or even why his butt was kind of sore. In a good way. He fell asleep with a smile on his lips. He didn't wake up when the dark-haired woman stole away into the quiet, star-filled night.


To be continued in Part Six

If you have enjoyed Mezzo and godconnie's "The Fifth Amendment, Part Five", then please be certain to e-mail Mezzo at  vkellyian[at]compuserve.com  and godconnie at  ariesscorpio[at]yahoo.com  and thank them for posting this Story.

Click here to continue on to "The Fifth Amendment, Part Six"

Click here for a list of all of Mezzo's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.

Click here for a list of all of godconnie's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.