Sapphic Voices Fan Fiction

The Fifth Amendment

Part Six

DISCLAIMER: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. This is an alternative fan fiction--Gabrielle and Xena are in love with no apologies.

Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.

P.S. Mark Burnett may have been born in England, but he is an Aussie in this Story.
If that offends him... Sorry, mate.

Thanks to everyone at the Tavern Wall for their inspiration. Thanks to Nance, Tino and Elka for beta reading.

E-mail for Mezzo is vkellyian[at]compuserve.com. E-mail for godconnie is ariesscorpio[at]yahoo.com.

Part Six

The sun shone brightly on the island inhabitants. The Survivors, including the recently returned Rich, Xena and Gabrielle were preparing to head off to the mail tree for the next clue to the day's challenge when they heard screaming. Everyone looked up to the sky.

But, no, it was Tapert, running down the beach toward them, his stomach protruding like he had a basketball under his shirt. He was screaming at the top of his lungs.

"He looks like he's pregnaahnt," laughed Soozin.

"Damn queers," groused Rudy.

"Can he get pregnant?" asked Sean the doctor.

Tapert ran up to Xena.

"You! You did this to me!" the red-haired executive whimpered.

"Well, I have many skills, but..." said Xena.

"We had hot, naked, fabulous sex last night and I woke up... like this!" sobbed Tapert.

Rich smiled.

Gabrielle narrowed her eyes at Xena.

"I didn't have sex, hot or otherwise, with you last night or any other night!" exclaimed the warrior eyeing Gabrielle warily.

"Blue eyes, black hair, thighs that can crush walnuts... it was you!" Tapert said fiercely.

"Listen, Tapert. I didn't have sex with you. I mean, really, you're not my type."

"Thaat's right," said Soozin. "The Warrior Babe and Blondie here was at camp all night. I stayed awake to make sure she wasn't pullin' no funny business after you headed into the woods, Taaahhhpert."

"Then what do you call this?!?!" screamed the television mogul pointing at his enlarged stomach.

"Poetic justice," giggled Colleen.

Xena approached the distraught Tapert. She placed her ear at his stomach and her blue eyes widened.

"I'd say you're about six months pregnant," said Xena.

Tapert promptly fainted. Xena caught him and lowered him gently to the ground. Gabrielle grabbed some clothing from the camp and created a make-shift pillow.

Xena went into full-press mode addressing the Survivors.

"All of you should head to the challenge area and we'll catch up after we make sure Tapert's OK," the Warrior Princess said. The Survivors shrugged and headed down the beach without a glance back at the unconscious executive.

"I don't think they care about Tapert," giggled Colleen.

Xena caught the co-ed by the arm "You stay for a bit," she ordered. The Warrior waited until the other Survivors were out of earshot and then turned her attention to Colleen.

"Do you know what this is about?" she demanded.

Colleen gulped her giggles and shrugged. "I'm thinking maybe Tapert here's being taught a lesson."

"I thought we were being taught a lesson," growled a very frustrated Warrior Princess.

"Well, you can get a lot of lessons and stuff into this long of a fan fiction," replied Colleen. She gasped and covered her mouth as the words she said hit her brain. "Ooops, probably shouldn't have said that out loud," said the cuddly and cute co-ed looking about her warily. She didn't know if the Island Goddesses would be happy to be told their fan fic was, well, long.

Xena closed her eyes for a second and searched for some patience. She opened her baby blues and found Gabrielle's concerned green eyes.

"Gabrielle, we know who's behind this, but we've got to figure out why and how to get off this island," said the angry brunette. "We've been jerked around long enough and it's time we did the jerking."

"Xena, I don't think it's that simple," said the bard said quietly.

"I know, I know," said the now thoroughly exasperated warrior. "But we've got to at least try. I've got a plan."

"Is this a dangerous plan?" asked the bard.

Xean snorted. "No. Just a search and discover. With a little help," the warrior said, glaring at Colleen. The co-ed's eyes opened wide under Xena's gaze.

"You said it was the island goddesses who brought us here," said Xena.

"Uh, huh. Island Goddesses. Capital "I." Capital "G." Beautiful. Powerful. blah-dee-blah-blah," said the cuddly Survivor.

Xena rolled her eyes. "Will they talk to you or appear to you?"

"Their opinion of my cute quotient is quite high, but they've got that 'we're all mysterious' thang going on," frowned the co-ed who suddenly brightened. "But I can show youse to the last place they visited me, if you want."

Xena looked to her soulmate. "Gabrielle, I've got to go and try and talk to these Island Goddesses," said Xena.

Gabrielle nodded. "I know. See what you can find out. I'll stay here with Tapert. I'm sure the Island Goddesses had something to do with this as well. That baby will probably be coming within the next few hours. Besides," said the bard wryly. "You and I are the only people on this island prepared to deal with an unusual pregnancy."

Xena gave Gabrielle a small smile. "We'll try our best to get back before the baby comes." The warrior grabbed Gabrielle and held her close for a moment. She then turned to Colleen.

"Lead the way," she said. Colleen headed into the jungle with Xena following.

Gabrielle turned her attention to the still unconscious Tapert and his even more enormous pregnant stomach. She looked to the glaring, midday sky and and dragged the unconscious tv executive near a tree to make sure he had shade from the hot sun.

--------

Tapert woke up slowly. He looked down at his stomach and groaned.

"That's it. Obviously reality and I have had a falling out," he said, struggling to get up off the ground with no success. The bard noticed the executive was awake and came to help him.

"Where is everyone?" asked the pregnant executive looking around.

"Xena and Colleen have gone to look for-- something and the others headed off for another challenge," said Gabrielle.

"Great. Just like a woman to leave you in your hour of need," complained Tapert. "And I get left behind with the sidekick. Wonderful."

"She'll be back soon," Gabrielle said, ignoring the executive's dig and helping the pregnant man upright.

"How are you feeling, Tapert?" asked the bard.

"Surreal comes to mind," the executive replied. "You know what? It's all clear to me now."

"Clear?" Gabrielle asked.

"You see, I thought this..." he waved his hand around at the island. "Was real. And that you were Renee O'Connor and the tall brunette with the copper tits was Lucy Lawless, my wife,"

Tapert caught a menacing glare from the bard. The executive thrust his jaw out.

"What? Is it because I said tits or called your 'Xena' my wife?" Tapert caught the sound of Gabrielle's sais unsheathing.

"Baby on board, sister. I've got immunity from those things," he pointed to his stomach.

Gabrielle looked at him in confusion as she used her sais to spear some fruit hanging from a nearby tree. She knew Tapert needed sustenance with the baby coming soon.

The executive watched as Gabrielle stabbed the fruit, her back muscles flexing and rippling. The fruit was just a little out of reach for her and the blonde bard had to stretch to reach it. His eyes traveled down Gabrielle's hips and then over her thighs and calves.

Wonder how she feels about pregnant men? he mused, flicking his eyes back up to check out her shoulders. Tapert's mind wandered some more and then snapped back to his previous, un-sex-related train of thought.

Must be the hormones from the baby. Lucy was always like this when she was pregnant, the executive frowned. Well, she wasn't that way with Renee-- just me, he thought with only a small amount of conviction.

"Where was I?" Tapert said out loud to Gabrielle. "Oh, yeah, anyway-- I just figured you both had lost your minds-- or maybe it was just some flaky actress 'I'm getting into character' thing."

The bard sliced the fruit and handed the pregnant man a piece.

"Tapert, I know that you have some sort of show that's like a play. It's called a television show and it tells of Xena and my adventures--"

"Xena only-- you're just the sidekick and spin-on-a-dime plot device," he replied, juice from the fruit running down his chin.

Gabrielle tensed, took a deep breath, counted to five and continued.

"But I am Gabrielle and your wife, er, I mean the tall brunette, is Xena. We're real. This is real."

"Not real," said Tapert calmly holding a finger in the air. "This is just some strange dream or I've been drugged--or I took some drugs. I do have a fondness for mushrooms. But whatever, I'm done with it and I am sooo out of here."

The redhead tossed back the last of the fruit and began to walk away from the bard.

Gabrielle knew that if Tapert took off, she wouldn't be able to help the executive when the baby came. She caught up with him, gently restraining the emotional parent-to-be.

"Tapert--"

"Hands off, not-real woman," he said pulling his arm away.

Gabrielle realized she needed to appeal to the ego of the executive if she were to get through to him.

"Listen, Tapert. You claim to be--"

"The power that be-- that's me," the executive smiled.

The Bard nodded. "Patience, Gabrielle, patience," she reminded herself.

"Since you're the--power that be--if this were your dream wouldn't you be in control of it? Wouldn't you have nice things happening to you instead of bad things? Wouldn't Xe--I mean Lucy, be in love with you? Even if it was henbane--"

"Mushrooms," interrupted Tapert.

Gabrielle sighed. "OK. Even if it were mushrooms or one of your plays about Xena and me--aren't you the one with the power?"

"Welllll," said Tapert.

Gabrielle rushed on, hoping she could convince the executive of the reality of their situation and maybe, just maybe, get his help. "But you can't control everything here, which is how reality is-- uncontrollable," reasoned the bard.

Tapert's eyes widened at her argument. His giganticus ego struggled like a bug on a pin. Then he frowned in a moment of actual rational thinking.

"Well, either way: real or a dream, drugs or insanity, my power to be-ness seems to be fucked," he said.

Gabrielle wasn't sure what the last word meant, but she was fairly certain it wasn't a nice verb.

"Tapert, Xena and I think we know what's going on. We're in some-- place where both our worlds meet. Colleen called it a fan fiction," the bard continued.

"I know all about this 'fan fiction' theory," crabbed the executive. Then the full meaning of the word hit his brain and a startled and suddenly frightened Tapert looked wildly about him. "The FANS have something to do with this?!"

"That's what we think," Gabrielle continued, ignoring the man's fearful statement. "Except it's not fiction this time. It's real. Someone, we think it's the Island Goddesses, brought us here to teach us some sort of lesson or give us some kind of knowledge."

"Teach us? I don't need no learnin'," scoffed the executive. "Especially from the fans. I just need to get my power back and Xena, er, Lucy. Besides, how am I supposed to learn anything in as complicated a plot as what's happening here?! Who could understand this? It hurts my brain just to think about it."

Gabrielle closed her eyes, breathed deeply and counted to ten. The red-haired pregnant man was just too hormonal to hear anything. She had to let it go for now.

"Look, not-real Gabrielle. I'm hot. I'm thirsty and I need to pee... even if this is a dream."

Tapert headed over to a small grove of bushes. Gabrielle turned her back to give him privacy. The executive fumbled with his pants, trying to find the straining zipper. Thank god for stretch material. He couldn't see anything down there beyond his still growing and very round stomach. After a considerable amount of not unpleasant groping and some bitching about the unfairness of it all, Tapert managed to relieve his bladder and zip back up. He stopped to wash his hands in a small waterfall where some conveniently placed soap and a towel lay.

"I can't even see my toes," he grumbled to no one in particular, waddling back toward the blonde warrior.

Gabrielle came over to Tapert, putting her arm around his waist and helping him to sit on a large rock.

"You've got to rest, Tapert. That baby's due anytime now," she said quietly. Memories of Solan, Hope and Eve came to her in a rush. She pushed them away.

"I am not having a baby," sniffled Tapert. "I told you. This is not real. It's just one giant mushroom-induced nightmare and I am waiting to wake up."

Something akin to compassion flickered across Tapert's face as he looked at Gabrielle's melancholy statement.

"Hey, what's wrong? You seem kind of sad," he said to the bard.

Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders. "Memories. We've-- Xena and I, that is. We've not had the best of luck with our children."

Tapert was considering going over to Gabrielle and offering something-- words of encouragement, support-- maybe even an apology for his part in her suffering. After all, he had made the decision for Gabrielle to become pregnant by Dahok--against her will--and he had Baby Hope written as evil.

Babies aren't born evil, really, thought the executive. Maybe it wasn't the best way to have handled that situation after all. And it had to hurt Gabrielle when Xena got pregnant and I made the writers deem Eve as good, he sighed. Of course, then, after all the murders the adult Eve/Livia committed I allowed her redemption from a shaft of light when Hope was never offered that chance-- ouch! Had to hurt.

A wee tear began to appear at the corner of the executive's eye.

And look at what's happened to their relationship in Season Five, he thought. After all, Xena and Gabrielle's love is the heart of the--

"Arrrrrgghghghghghghghg!," screamed the nearly hysterical carrot top, startling Gabrielle. "Good lord the hormones are getting to me!"

Tapert ignored his brief, shining moment of compassion as his mind, followed shortly thereafter by his mouth, went howling like a rabid, TV executive dog in the opposite direction.

"If you're trying to get me to feel bad about the whole Hope/Solan/Eve thing, it's not going to work," said the redhead to Gabrielle. "The fans of the show have already tried for YEARS with no luck-- and you're not even real, so give it up. Besides, everything I did with Hope, Solan and Eve was purrrrfect."

"Tapert, you didn't have anything to do with our children," said Gabrielle warily.

Men were far worse at being pregnant than women, thought the bard. She had to chuckle-- a pregnant man. Well, stranger things had happened to her and Xena.

"Don't laugh at me and of course I had something to do with it," crabbed Tapert, the hormones from his pregnancy taking full hold. "I created Xena--YOU-- everyone on the Xena: Warrior Princess show. And it was my brilliant genius of an idea to have Hope born evil."

"She wasn't born evil," said Gabrielle evenly. Tapert stopped for a second, hearing the edge of danger in the bard's voice. But he didn't care. He was Hormonal Man now.

"You know what, Gabrielle? You're just a fictional character and I don't give a damn about your feelings! I never have, really." The red-haired executive awkwardly got up from the boulder and spun around, his pregnant stomach picking up torque and sending him stumbling forward.

"All that matters is me! I'm the power that be, baby. And the FANS have something to do with all of this? Well, fuck the fans, and believe you me, I do every chance I get. I'm tired of people who refuse to bow at my altar of a different Xena and Gabrielle characterization every week! If I wanna rape, pillage, murder and commit infanticide on the show I'm gonna do it and damn the relationship, continuity, consequences, ratings or any kind of bizarro world punishment!" roared Tapert, defiantly shaking his fist in the air. His stomach proudly protruding, red, thinning hair blowing in the sudden, unexplained wind. "And another thing! I'm tired of you and Xena and this island! The way you two hang all over each other, you'd think you were in love or something! Well, you're not. You're just friends. I should know because I created you! But no one will listen to me about it because NO ONE respects my authora-tay around this place. Oh, and as an added bonus-- I mean really, who plotted this thing?! I'm frickin' PREGNANT!"

Tapert came to a screeching, mid-rant halt. He cocked his head and grinned at Gabrielle.

"On the plus side of things. I'm the one carrying Xena's child. So, obviously, she really does love me," Tapert looked at Gabrielle. "I mean, really, if she loves you so much, how come you're not carrying her baby?"

Gabrielle closed her eyes and counted to ten. She opened them to see an angry Tapert looking at her.

"You wanna piece of me, not-real grrrl? Don't like what I'm saying, girlie-grrrl? Well, I've got another little thought you can stick on those sais of yours. I had hot, hot, HOT sex with Xena last night. Yeah, that's right, Blondie. With Xena!"

Gabrielle unsheathed her sais as Tapert put his fists up into boxing position.

"Baby or not, you're goin' down, Tapert," growled the warrior. She suddenly stopped, as a look of horror crossed her face.

"What was I thinking?" she gasped.

"Ha! You're being the Gabrielle I created!" screeched Tapert triumphantly. "I'm the power that be again! Go, Tapert, go Tapert," the pregnant man began making a circular motion with his arms and dancing.

Gabrielle's eyes widened in shock at the executive's dance. She shook her head, bent over and sheathed her sais. The Amazon didn't need to count to one or ten. She realized how closely she had come, once again, to actions and feelings completely out of her character and nature. Gabrielle didn't know if it was a test from the Island Goddesses or if Tapert really had tapped into some sort of power for a moment-- and it didn't matter.

"All that matters is Xena and I love each other," said the bard. "We're soulmates."


The executive stopped dead in his dancing tracks. He looked at Gabrielle, unsure of her mood. He raised his hands into boxing position again.

"You know, people have taken that soulmate business way too far. I wish I'd never let you say it in the first place," said Tapert, bobbing and weaving as he prepared for battle.

Gabrielle looked the hormonal she-man in the eyes.

"Look, Tapert. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. But that baby's not Xena's. She loves me and she would never betray me that way."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Tapert, lowering his fists. "You just keep telling yourself that in your little fantasy world. But here in the real Tapert world, Xena loves me and I'm pregnant with her baby. And why the hell am I sounding like a soap opera?!"

"I thought this was all a dream," smiled Gabrielle.

A myriad of emotions crossed Tapert's face-- primarily confusion.

"Stop trying to befuddle me with logic," the executive sputtered. "Logic is the enemy of drama."

Gabrielle sighed and began walking toward Tapert.

"Oh, no, you just get away from me. Women!" he spat. "You're all alike. Rrroll, rrroll, rrroll in ze hay! Oh, yeah, you get to have your fun but then you just sneak away in the middle of the night and who gets stuck with the consequences?!"

Gabrielle shook her head in amazement at the red-haired executive's bottomless well of hormone-induced, melodramatic emotion. But she felt sorry for him. She knew all too well how awful it was to go through a supernatural pregnancy. The bard was determined to make this easier for him than it had been on her and Xena. And it wasn't his fault-- well, probably not-- that he was delusional about the Warrior Princess.

"It's OK, Tapert. You need to try and calm down." The bard maneuvered behind the distraught parent-to-be, gently urging him to sit down as she began to give his neck a massage, working her hands up the back of his neck and to his temples.

"You've got to rest. The baby's coming soon--" soothed Gabrielle.

His hormonal outburst finished, exhaustion began to take over the executive.

"Am I being punished?" he whined. "I'm being punished for being the most brilliant, most creative television producer ever, aren't I? That's the one thing I never doubted-- OK, well maybe for a second back in the cave with Joel-- but I've never doubted my role as the power that be--" Tapert's ramblings drifted away as he gave into the bard's compassionate ministrations.

--------

Tapert snorted awake and opened his eyes.

"Damn sleep apnea," he muttered as he rubbed his face and looked around at a sky of colors so odd and intense that it seemed unreal.

"Dorothy, we're not on the island anymore," he sighed, looking around. There were trees and bushes the color of green as he had never seen.

"Grrrrreat. A dream within a dream - that's not confusing," said Tapert sarcastically. He wondered if this, too, was the work of the Island Goddesses, as Gabrielle had said.

"Island Goddesses" he muttered derisively. "Bah. Humbug."

The executive looked ahead to see a small, swiftly moving stream. Beside it sat Soozin battling the hair on her legs with shaving cream and an industrial-strength razor.

"Ugh," complained Tapert. "Who cast this damn dream anyway? Where are all the nubile, young, pretty women?"

Soozin turned and spied the red-haired parent-to-be watching her.

"Taahpert be warned, Taahpert beware," rhymed the backwoods truck driver as she flitted, well, actually, stumbled over, shoving him onto a rock.

"By gutting the relationship you make trite viewing fare," she continued, straddling the horrified television executive.

"Oh, god, I was wrong. It's not a dream - it's a nightmare!" he groaned.

The truck driver covered his eyes. "Tahhpert be calm, open your eyes... Here there is truth... about Season Five."

Tapert struggled to get away from the tenacious woman.

"Get off me, you non-nubile, backwater wench," he yelled.

"OK," shrugged Soozin. She hopped off the executive and extended her hand.

"Here. Let me help you up," she said. The executive grabbed Soozin's hand and found out just how strong the rustic maiden really was when she flung him headfirst into the stream.

"I non-nubiled your ahhhsss, Tahhhhpert," Soozin said and loped off into the trees.

Tapert struggled and sputtered, barely getting his head above water as he flailed about, trying to get out of the now dangerously fast-moving stream. He heard two calm voices from the banks of the water.

"Absorb thyself in this great sea of the waters of The Relationship. Dive deep in it...until thou hast found it. And having found the relationship, then thou shalt find a fountain of creativity as well as find thyself off this island. Even as it is written, He had his dwelling in L.A., and was a television mogul therein."

"Who the hell are you and help me!" he screamed from the stream, unable to locate the source of the voices.

"Island Goddesses, are we. From our easily fathomable will, the return of The Relationship has its beginning. In our boundless wisdom are all types and patterns of Xena and Gabrielle's love. In other words - it's the relationship, stupid."

The executive was swept under the fast-moving stream. He continued to struggle and was close to losing consciousness when he felt two hands hooked underneath his arms, pulling him from the stream onto dry land.

Tapert scrabbled up off the ground to thank whoever saved him. He looked around to find he was alone and dry. Looking down, Tapert also realized he was quite naked. The executive gasped and jumped behind some bushes.

The redhead managed to get over his sudden nakedness and take a good look at his surroundings. The stream he had just escaped sped along and disappeared into a wall of such thick mist that he could see nothing of the stream beyond it. But all around him was a meadow of a brilliant green with gently rolling hills, trees full of fruit and near the ground, hundreds of bright flowers. It was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen.

"I thought it was just a legend," he whispered in awe. "Could it be? Am I in the Teleysian Fields? Only heroic and creatively cutting-edge television producers get to come here."

The executive frowned. "Dead television producers." He looked down. "Dead, naked, pregnant television producers."

"Wherever I am, I need some clothes," the executive grumbled. Tapert turned and bumped into Soozin. The father-to-be yelped. The Michigan truck-driver pointed and laughed.

"Soozin?! What?! How?" squeaked Tapert doing his best impersonation of a pregnant Demi Moore on the cover of GQ as he tried to cover his manly he-breasts and kibbles and bits from Soozin's view.

"Can't you see I'm naked?!" the executive screeched.

"Being naked won't excuse ya," said Sooozin as she whipped out some khakis, a fishing hat and a baggy t-shirt from behind her back and thrust the load of clothes at Tapert. "C'mon, get dressed, you're in Fifth-usia."

"Hells bells," said Tapert. "So much for the Telysian Fields theory." He glared at Soozin who was still staring and chortling.

"Turn around!" he snapped as he began wiggling into the clothes. The t-shirt had the words Demon Baby On-Board blazoned across the front of it with a large red arrow pointing downward.

Tapert frowned, dug deep into the back pocket of his khakis and whipped out a Sharpie. He grinned and began scribbling furiously on the t-shirt. It now read Xena Love Child On-Board. Tapert turned his attention back to Soozin.

"So what, where, is Fifth-usia?"

And much to Tapert's horror, Soozin began to sing.

Fifth-usia (sung to the Illusia from The Bitter Suite)

Fifth-usia, a season

That's gone all to rot

You've had stinky eps

But not like this lot

You've tasted how bad plots

And good coexist

The bitter and sweet of it

All in their love that you dissed.

Xena and Gabby

The Sturm und the Drang

Bring back their love,

That's the choice you've got to make!

Can you undo what you destroyed?

Glide through that stream,

Follow your fate

Oh your balls are in a vice.

Their love you must realize.

If you're to get off this silly island.

Paddle the worth of you on the rebirth of it

Xena and Gabby, don't let them fade

Fifth season sucks,

Totally sucks.

Your villainous fifth season

Tortures our souls

Descent into hack-dom

Must levy its toll

The murder of their love

Has brought you to this.

Surrender stupidity, suffer sweet continuity

Xe needs her love and soulmate.

Oh, Tapert, your fifth season iced their true love

Come see how that 'vision' denies the show's heart

Fifth-usia is waiting, we'll show you The Way

But choose no relationship and kill their love

Then a steep price you will pay!

Oh...your balls are in a vice

Their love you must reali.....

"That's enough about my balls!" howled Tapert at the singing Survivor.

"You like little ditties, truck-drivin' momma?" Tapert said angrily. "OK, here's one:

Fifth season rules.

Xena and Gabrielle's love drools.

I'm the power that be

and Xena gave me a baby."

At the mention of the warrior's name, a beautiful picture of Xena shimmered into view in the air above and behind Soozin's shoulder.

"Xena," Tapert whispered to Soozin. "Is she here?"

The truck driver stared at the executive in confusion.

"The one who knocked me up, is she in this land?" he asked as he stared into the warrior's ice blue eyes.

Soozin shook her head in exasperation.

"I'm merely the guide, Tahhhhpert,

Along for free booze.

You'll get no maternity test here

If you want to know more...then choose."

Soozin then bowed with a flourish, extending her arm toward the stream. And the wall of mist that had blocked Tapert's view dissipated. He could now see that the stream rolled on in the distance, splitting into two tributaries.

One stream gurgled quietly along. There was even a motorboat tied to a small but sturdy-looking bridge. Further on, the quiet stream floated peacefully into a well-lit tunnel. Above the tunnel a large, lavender neon sign read The Relationship. Hundreds of neon, flashing arrows pointed at the tunnel. Another sign read This way gets you off the island and back to L.A. A third sign stated Yeah, that means YOU, Tapert. In front of the tunnel stood a bevy of nubile, beautiful, ready for their Stuff centerfold, young women. They beckoned Tapert, calling his name and promising him long nights of delirious pleasure.

He looked to the other tributary where a small kayak was tied to a rickety bridge filled with large, gaping holes. Instead of gurgling, this tributary raged over jagged rocks, creating whitecaps and large, monstrous waves. It streamed into another tunnel where he could see the beginnings of a giant whirlpool. This tunnel also had a sign. It read, Season Five: The Year of the Gutted Relationship and Complete and Total Lack of Creativity. There were three smaller signs near it that stated, This way lies certain death! Beware! and Die, Pussycat, Die!

"Hmmm. Easy choice," said the executive as he turned his back on the bevy of beauties and headed for the kayak and white caps.

"That's it. I'm out of here. This Tahhhhpert guy's stooopider thahn Seaaahhn," said Soozin, looking up to the sky.

Tapert cast his eyes upward. "Who are you talking to?" he queried.

"The Island Goddesses," replied Soozin as three rats bolted out of the truck driver's wild tresses.

"We're staying. This could be fun," giggled one of the rats. Tapert's eyes widened in shock as the talking critters scurried off into a nearby bush.

"Did anyone see that?" whispered Tapert.

Soozin frowned at him and then looked back to the sky. "You'll need to send someone else with him. I ain't goin' in thaahhhr. See ya, Tahhpert."

And with that, she strode off.

"You can't just leave me!" called Tapert to the retreating truck driver.

Soozin kept walking, ignoring his plea. The executive became desperate. He did not want to be alone in this strange land.

"C'mon, Sooz. Stay with me. There could be bad guys here-- So you gotta stay cause you know bad guys always kill the ugliest person first!" begged Tapert.

Soozin broke stride long enough to throw a glare over her shoulder--followed by her Bowie knife. Tapert dodged as the knife thwacked into a tree beside him. He stared at it and gulped. The executive then turned to give Soozin a piece of his mind. But she was gone. Vanished.

Tapert tugged on the knife but it was stuck hard. "Wow, those truck drivers sure are strong," he said, grunting with exertion.


***********

Meanwhile, back on the Survivor Island, Xena and Colleen arrived at the ravine where Colleen had last witnessed the Island Goddesses power.

"Here's where I met them last-- sort of," said Colleen. "They made snow fall just for me-- it was just like a scene out of Edward Scissorhands," she sighed dreamily, thinking of the gorgeous Island Goddesses.

Xena raised a questioning eyebrow.

"You know, that sweetly sad guy in leather with big, sharp scissors for hands," said Colleen.

"People with scissors as hands are generally dangerous," Xena said. She looked around. "They're not here," she said.

"Wow, did your spidey senses tell you that?" asked the cute as a button co-ed.

"Spidey what?" asked Xena as a small, single snowflake fell on her nose and promptly melted. The warrior's eyes widened and her warrior senses did, indeed, begin to tingle. She looked up to see more snow falling from the warm, tropical sky. Colleen clapped her hands together and smiled.

"They're here now," she exclaimed happily.

"Snow falling on a tropical island," mused Xena. "You don't see that every day."

As the snow landed on the co-ed's face, her eyelids began to droop. "Like. Wow. I feel funny. I think something's happening," she murmured.

The snow fell faster and Xena, too, began to feel sleepy. She shook her head back and forth. Her legs became weak and rubbery.

"It's the snow," Xena said. She looked over to see the Survivor swaying on her feet, perilously close to collapsing. The warrior stumbled over to Colleen as the co-ed's legs buckled. Xena caught her and kneeled, gently lowering the now snoring brunette to the ground.

The warrior tried to get back up with no success. The ground just felt too nice, too comfortable-- too relaxing. The mighty warrior's eyelids began to close.


***********

Gabrielle was sitting near the sleeping Tapert and she was worried. The executive kept twitching and muttering as if he were having a very bad dream. She wondered if she should wake him up.

"Maybe it's better to let sleeping dogs-- er-- television executives-- lie," said Gabrielle.

She rose to check on Tapert one more time when she suddenly felt a wave of intense sleepiness take over her entire body. She wobbled on her feet.

"Wow. That was strange," the blonde warrior said to herself as she yawned and rubbed her face. "I usually only feel that sleepy right after Xena and I have had a long night of hot, naked--."

The Amazon Queen hit the ground-- but softly, as though unseen hands were ensuring her safety-- a beautiful, lusty smile on her equally beautiful, sleeping face.

***********


In Burnett's mountain facility, the emergency alarm began to blare once again.

"Reality is Being Compromised," said a computer voice. "Reality is Being Compromised."

Burnett rushed from his luxury suite and down the stairs into the control room.

"What's going on?" he asked, walking to the large screen in the center of the Survivor control room.

A technician hustled in front of Burnett, stopped and saluted.

"Sir, we have a situation with Colleen, Soozin and the guests," he said curtly. "In the past 10 minutes, five people in completely different parts of the island have fallen into an unexplained, deep sleep. Our cameramen have tried to wake them with no success."

The control room screen cut to various shots of Colleen, Xena, Gabrielle, Tapert and Soozin as they slumbered.

The screen stopped on a shot of Tapert snoring.

"Rob Tapert, he's our man--" mumbled the executive between snorts, a small smile on his lips. His smile turned into a scowl as he muttered angrily. "Island Goddesses my large, white, executive producer's ass. You ain't the bossa me!"

The hairs on the back of Burnett's neck saluted in suspicion and alarm.

Then the cuddly co-ed's adorable face then appeared on-camera. She smiled sweetly in her sleep.

"The Island Goddesses are soooo beautiful," she sighed dreamily.

The image on the screen cut back to a shot of Soozin who suddenly snorted awake and sat up, grumbling to herself.

"It's about time," crabbed Kelly. "You slept through the entire immunity challenge. Rudy won. Can you believe that? Not that you would have had a chance even if you'd been there."

"Where's my Bowie knife?" asked the truck driver, squinting up at her Survivor cohort. "Oh, yeah. I left it back thahr with the Island Goddesses and that stooopid Tahhhpert."

"The who?" queried Kelly.

"What?" back-queried Soozin.

"You said something about Island Goddesses," prodded Kelly.

"Eh, I was just talkin' in my sleep," said Soozin. "And what do you mean I 'wouldn't have had a chance?'"

Burnett's eyes narrowed watching the truck driver and Kelly bicker as they and the rest of the Survivors began their long trek back to camp. He headed over to a series of control centers and leaned into one of the control center mikes.

"Bring me Soozin," he said firmly.

A pony-tailed Survivor Techno Geek who was stationed at one of the nearby monitors gasped. She stood up from her monitor and came over to confront the producer.

"First Rich and now Soozin? You can't do this, sir. We're here to record only what's happening--not to interfere and try to influence. This is supposed to be a reality television series!"

"What show have you been working for, mate?" laughed Burnett. "We're here to create cheap entertainment and make big money. Besides, reality is in the eyes of the producer--er--editor--um, I mean, beholder."

The Survivor producer headed back to his control chair, which bore a striking resemblance to an ornate king's throne. He began wrapping his reality show brain around the situation and recent events:

With the tracking implant firmly lodged in Rich's neck, the Survivor technical crew had managed to find him and the beautiful vamps at the yacht. Despite the gorgeous distraction of Xena and Gabrielle's bath-tub play-time, Burnett and the crew were startled by Rich and the vamps' sudden disappearance--yet again. And the implant, strangely, ceased to work. Rich's current whereabouts were unknown. And now his guests were talking about 'Island Goddesses' in their sleep. Burnett's producer brain took the facts, put them together and came to a natural conclusion.

"It HAS to be Tapert," Burnett growled. "Who else but an executive producer, even one as incompetent as Tapert, could wield this kind of power?"

Just then three burly guards tumbled into the room dragging a loudly uncooperative Soozin.

"Lemme go! Lemme go!" bellowed the truck driver. "I'll kick all of yas arses!"

"Yeah, right. You can't win an immunity or reward challenge but you'll kick OUR ass," snorted a guard as Soozin flailed about helplessly.

"That's enough," ordered Burnett testily. "Treat our guest with some respect."

The guards nodded and stepped away from the truck driver, releasing her from their grip.

A rat peered out from Soozin's tresses to glare at the guards while the Survivor eyed Burnett distrustfully. The producer approached her, smiling.

"Soozin, you know that you're a special part of the Survivor family," began Burnett.

"Yeah, I'm interesting, controversial and combative," the truck driver retorted, hands on hips, chin lifted proudly. "I make good television."

"True, true. And you're necessary to help make the show a success," said Burnett who walked up to another Survivor Techno Geek and whispered in her ear. The woman shot up from her chair and ran out of the control room.

"Things have gotten a little strange the past few days with the arrival of Xena, Gabrielle and Tapert. We've got Rich disappearing with two women who are not part of the show, snow falling in the control room," continued the Aussie.

"You mean you've lost control of your show, Mr. 'Producer,'" the truck driver ridiculed.

"I have not lost control, mate," replied Burnett with a smile. "Just a small glitch in the process. It's only a matter of time before I come out on top."

"Yeah, you would be on top," guffawed Soozin, wishing Kelly were here to share in the rude and crude joke.

"Wow," said the pony-tailed Techno Geek. "I would've figured Soozin as butch in the streets but femme in the sheets."

The burly guards snickered at the comment. Soozin glared but maintained a Rosie O'Donnell pre-2002 non-committal silence.

Burnett threw the snickerers a look and the guards immediately shut up. The Survivor producer returned his attention to the truck driver.

"Now, Soozin. Xena and Gabrielle being on the island could affect your chance at winning the contest--"

"Well, yah, I know. That's why I--" Soozin stopped herself mid-sentence. Burnett smiled. He was getting close.

"--Xena and Gabrielle could also cost you millions of dollars in sponsorships and guest appearances," said Burnett, trying a different tact. "I mean, who is a sponsor going to want--you? Or Xena and Gabrielle?"

"They might pick me, you never know," grumbled the truck driver.

"Well, maybe they would," said an affable Burnett. As he turned his back, he rolled his eyes at the other Survivor Techno Geeks in the room who began to chuckle. "But Tapert's continuing interference could ruin everything for you."

"Tahhhpert?!" exclaimed Soozin. "What's he got to do with anything? He's just a stoooopid, no-talent producer like you. It's the Island Goddesses who--" the truck driver gasped and shut her mouth abruptly.

Burnett's eyes narrowed, the tip of his tongue slipping out of and back into his mouth with reptile-like quickness.

"Ssssso," whispered Burnett, snake-like charm oozing out of his producer pores. "Tell me more about these Island Goddesses."

"No. I got a pact with 'em. We gals gotta stick together," said a defiant Soozin.

"Cat's out of the bag, now, Soozin," Burnett smiled. "You may as well tell me the whole story."

"I ain't tellin' you nothin'!" the truck driver yelled.

The Survivor Techno Geek re-entered the room, handing Burnett a large amulet on a chain. In her other hand was a syringe full of a lavender material that oozed and bubbled with a life all its own.

"Hold her," Burnett said to the guards. The three burly men grasped Soozin's arms, keeping her from moving. The Survivor Techno Geek strode over to Soozin and gave her a quick, mostly painless, shot in the arm.

"Hey!" crabbed the truck driver.

"Sir, I must protest," said the pony-tailed geek.

Burnett smiled. "Go ahead. Make some signs, march around the facility, chant some slogans--lose your job."

The pony-tailed geek gulped and sat down.

"I thought so," said Burnett. He returned his attention to the truck driver, walking slowly up to her as the amulet swung gently, hypnotically, back and forth.

"You will tell me everything," grinned Burnett. "Because I know how to get to you." He stopped the amulet from swinging so that Soozin could get a good look. It held a picture of Kelly composed of thousands of dots.

"Just stare at the picture until your eyes lose focus--and then you'll see a special surprise picture in 3-D," whispered Burnett.

"Don't look!" squealed the rat from the truck driver's hair.

"What was in that shot you gave me?" asked Soozin loopily as the drug began to take effect. She was barely managing to look away from the amulet.

"We have all the Survivors' pheromones on hand. Just in case we needed to add a little sexual tension to the show," said Burnett. "This syringe is full of pheromones we distilled from Kelly."

Burnett moved around to place the amulet in Soozin's line of view once again.

"Phere-what?" said an increasingly disoriented truck driver.

The rat rolled his eyes. "Kelly moooojoooo," it whispered in her ear.

"That's dirty pool, Burnett," snarled Soozin.

"A producer's gotta do what a producer's gotta do, little gal," he replied slyly.

The truck driver struggled for a moment as she resisted Burnett's last temptation. But then the secret picture came into focus.

"Ohhhhhh. My," whispered the truck driver as her normally unhappy, dour face crumpled into a goofy, stars-in-her-eyes, smiling visage. "Keeelllllyyyy."

Burnett waved his hands in front of the Survivor's eyes. She didn't blink or move. The producer smiled. He had the belligerent Survivor exactly where he wanted her.

"Now. Who are these Island Goddesses," said Burnett soothingly.

"Powers--that--be," replied Soozin dreamily, staring at the secret photo of Kelly.

"No. I'm the power that be," said Burnett testily.

The truck driver gave a serene snort. "You think you are. Tahhhpert thinks he is. But the Island Goddesses have the real power. They brought Xena and Gabrielle here to the island. They brought Tapert here. They captured Probst before the reward challenge."

"What?!" exclaimed Burnett. "They captured my lap boy?"

"Yes. They needed to manipulate the outcome of the contest. They told me so-- well, they bragged about it actually."

"No! They can't have that much power," said Burnett, reeling from the fact that the vamps had managed to make such a galling move within his territory.

"But they do. The Island Goddesses even created Fifth-usia. They have much, much more power than you. And they're soooo beeeeyoootiful. But not as beautiful as Keeeellllly."


To be continued in Part Seven

If you have enjoyed Mezzo and godconnie's "The Fifth Amendment, Part Six", then please be certain to e-mail Mezzo at  vkellyian[at]compuserve.com  and godconnie at  ariesscorpio[at]yahoo.com  and thank them for posting this Story.

Click here to continue on to "The Fifth Amendment, Part Seven"

Click here for a list of all of Mezzo's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.

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