Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Best Friends To Die For

8th grade year began well and ended better. On the first day of school, in every single one of my classes, the name Alexandria Webb was called. I had gone to that school for 3 years and lived in the area for 9 and I had never head that name before. I just said, "She hasn't been here since first bell." The next Monday, I saw this mysterious Alexandria Webb at her locker in the 8th grade hall. "Did you know school began last week?" I teased as I passed her. She looked at me like I was stupid, shut her locker and followed a few steps be hind me to first bell. As the year went on my best friend Heather moved away, and Alex, Jessica, and I became the best of friends and quite close.

I remember it being at lunch when we talked the most and most freely. We did talk a lot in Algebra, which is perhaps why Jessica and I almost failed, but mainly at lunch. It was February, Heather had moved and Jessica sat in her spot at the table, Alex sat next to me and I confided one of my deepest secrets to them, I was a lesbian. I think they were kind of like "Yeah, Katt you just now figured that out" but they didn't run away and hide. We still hung out just the same, went out together just the same, and spent the night together just the same as it had always been. By the end of May, I found myself doing something I promised that I would never do. I fell in love with one of my best friends. It got so annoying in the beginning of the year, every day, "Alexandria Webb?" "She's not here!" I look back on that and smile now.

The weekend of May 24, 25, 26 (Memorial Day that year) was when I realized that I was in love with Alex. Jessica and I were invited to Alex's grandparent's camper for the weekend. CAMPING! But good old Alex fell and hurt her knee. She was always falling and Jessica and I would laugh at her. But because she hurt herself and was on crutches, she was our "liability" and we couldn't go camping. It was ok though because we went to Starbucks, got movies, went to see one, stayed with Alex the whole weekend, ate good food and were in the comfort and love of friends. Which is all anyone was loved as at the beginning of the weekend, friends. The second night we spent, after watching movies, I went and got my camera out, Jessica and Alex don't like to have their pictures taken but I thought that since I didn't have any pictures of them and it was a special weekend that they might just let me. I came around the corner and said, "Alex?" She looked at me and quickly turned around. Jessica by this time was already hiding. I sat down on the couch next to Alex to make a second attempt but she turned the other way and hid. I tapped her on the back a couple of times and, "Katt, I'm gonna punch you if you hit me again!" she warned. She was tired but I didn't think she would hit me and if it would get her to turn around… I tapped her twice more on the back and she flew around. I think the only thing that saved my face was the flash of the camera in her eyes. She went back into her room and slammed the door. I don't cry easy and was ready to. I wondered why and when the lot of us went home the next day, I thought a lot about what had transpired. I realized at that moment that I was in love with Alexandria Webb and that I wanted her with me forever.

School happened again on Tuesday and Jessica had gotten sick the day before and wasn't there. I took the opportunity to tell Alex how I felt and that I just wanted to be completely honest and that I want's going to do anything to her intentionally, just that I loved her. She seemed ok with it and we left it alone for the remainder of the day. That night Jessica went to Alex's house to get her stuff and Alex told Jessica what had I had told her that day. She also told Jessica that I was freaking her out. Wednesday came and again Jessica wasn't there so Alex and I talked some more about stuff. On Thursday, Alex wasn't there and Jessica was back. Jessica walked home with me that day and told me that I was freaking Alex out and to back off a bit. That hurt me in so many ways, and though I had accepted falling in love with her, I still didn't understand why it hurt me to think about her. I backed off for a bit and things cooled back down and were normal.

Summer vacation came. Wow did that seem strange. I had been through 7 summers before but to be out of school? The concept was strange to me that year for some reason. The first week went by ok. Jessica came over all the time during the school year, but she was at her dad's in Indiana all summer. And I didn't really want to bother Alex. I called on the first Friday. 2 days out of school and I missed them both so much. We made plans to have her come over and spend the night on the following Wednesday. I was impatient for the weekend to pass and ready for softball to be over.

My summer sport was softball. We lost the game we played that Tuesday 26 to 2 and I realized that it was Tuesday. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I woke up at 7:30. I had been getting up at 11 and I woke up 3 ½ hours earlier because I knew that I got to see Alex. I cleaned my room up and I even was made to vacuum, though I knew she wouldn't care if it were a mess. I rearranged my table and chair and looked at the clock, 11:30. She should be up I thought to myself. I called and asked when she was coming. She told me as soon as she finished cleaning her room.

I went upstairs and printed off my story. I ate lunch and she walked into the room. I stood up to greet her. Wow did she look beautiful. I didn't care what she had on though I do remember, a black Skin Curtain T-shirt and her tight, holey jeans. Her face, she smiled at me and took of her sunglasses revealing her baby blue eyes, her captivating eyes. Her smile can light up the entire world. There was no sexual desire for her what so ever. I think that is what she was afraid of. She sat down on the floor with me and we counted out $7.30 in change that I had found cleaning my floor. She could always make me laugh too. When I told her that I found it all in the floor, she said, "Why do you find good stuff when all I can find is lent?" I had to laugh. She is the funniest but not every body gets her. Jessica and I are the only ones at school who ever really got Alex. And visa versa with the other two. Alex and Jessica got me and Alex and I got Jessica.

We took my dog for a walk and I took Alex some place I only take myself, my dog, and "friends with benefits" (really good friends or lovers). I took Alex to my lake. It's more of a pond but it's a really big one. Its back through an apartment complex, through the woods, and then there are about 4-5 feet between the trees and water. The edge of the lake drops into the water quite sharply and Alex kept saying that she was going to fall in. I laughed. The lake is posted now but it hadn't been when I was last there. We sat by the lake and I told Alex that I was having dreams about her. I told her that Jessica said my subconscious mind might just be what's in love with her. She kind of gave me a questioning look, like what do you think? I didn't answer. Neither one of us said anything for a long time. I turned around and began to cry. I cried because I was wondering; why I couldn't be "normal," why Alex couldn't be at least BI, why I couldn't change her, and why I had to be so damn proud! My hands clenched tightly into fists against my chest hoping that she wouldn't hear anything more than my irregular breathing, my heart aching out of want, and hate all at the same time. I took off my rainbow bracelet throwing it. She knew something was wrong now. "Katt are you ok?" she questioned getting up and walking around to see my face. I was fine then compared to what happened later that night. We found my bracelet and decide to go home. I was very depressed and walked heavily home as she treaded along behind me.

When we got home, I opened a bottle of aspirin and poured out 14 pills. We went down stairs and I took 7 of them. With in 30 mins I was high and things were looking up. We had made plans for that evening to go to one of the main attractions around us, a fairly big shopping center on the levee. Once there, we ate and I bought. Then we went to Hot Topic, and Alex bought me a poster for buying her dinner. Then we went to Claire's, and then to Starbucks and I bought us some Frappuccino's. I started to hallucinate there but things got better. We went out and walked along the river and she interpreted my dreams with her new dictionary that she had bought. We sat and talked, went back towards the car and we got Dip and Dots ice cream. Then we went home. Things went ok accept for in Claire's when I put my arm's around her and hung on her for a bit. People walked in and I let go but I think I had made her a bit uncomfortable. I played with her ears and put my arm around her on the bench when we went on our river walk, too.

Once we got back home we brushed our hair and sat on the couch together. She lay down and I sat and her feet. We were just talking and I was still high. I'm not good with my judgment when I'm high, I think she could see that and I warned her, too. I began to rub her shin and calf. She still had her torn blue jeans on, but it was violating for her, I believe. She didn't say anything to me, she didn't look at her leg with my hand on it, and she didn't move. How was I to take that? I took it wrong. I took it as her responding well to me because I was screwed up. I had been up on other things but never aspirin before. She was not a good person to have around when I did that. Since I took it the way I did, I moved up her leg. I was now rubbing the outside of her thigh and lying on her knee as her read me some of the strange things people had dreams about. Again no odd reactions, she didn't move away, or flinch, or even give a second glance away from the book. I was content and she seemed so as well. I never intended, even with as messed up as I was, to try and get her clothes off that night. I knew that would be taking it way too far. As much as I would have loved that, I knew that my Alex wasn't my Alex at all and unless she started making gestures back at me that she never would be.

We got bored of reading dreams and read baby names for a bit. Then we went up stairs to watch the Labyrinth. Near the end of the movie, she scooted forward on the couch a bit and I lay down behind her and began to rub her back. She kept leaning over very slightly little by little as thought she was going to lay down in the crook of my body and rest her head on my knees. She never did and ended up scooting off the couch and down onto the floor instead. We finished up the movie, brushed our teeth and went back downstairs. Here is where the memories kill me.

I began to come down off my high during the movie and was all the way down by the time we got downstairs. I took off my jeans and had on my boxers on already. I turned off the lights and went and crawled into bed. We talked for a little bit and then I sat up. I began to cry again. She sat up and looked at me with that beautiful wonderful face just waiting for an explanation. I had hot, wet, tears covering my face now. "I'm sorry" I breathed in barely above a whisper. "I know I made you feel uncomfortable tonight Alex, and I'm sorry" I don't remember exactly what it was that I said, but I do remember that she never said any thing back. She inched forward on her bed as though she was going to crawl onto mine and give me a hug to comfort me. Again she never did. "I know that you are who you are and that you're not who I want you to be and never will be. I know that I can't change your sexuality and I'm going to stop trying. I'm sorry." Over and over I said I was sorry hoping that she would accept my apology but she just slowly inched forward little by little and never made a definite move toward me. The only thing I remember her saying was "Katt, I'm still gonna be your friend." She never came any closer than the top of my bed and then just looked at me. I deiced she wasn't going to come any closer because she would feel awkward and I laid down. She did too and when I heard her sob, it killed me that I had made her cry.

I got up found a pair of small scissors on the table and went and sat in the chair. When I realized that they weren't doing anything, I threw them saying "damn safety scissors" softly above my tears, hoping not to disturb Alex if she had cried herself to sleep. I found a better pair on my guardian's table and went back to my chair. I took the blade strait down my arm. Knowing I had missed, I took it straight across my wrist and then up and down my arm. If I was going to die tonight the best I could do in my predicament was to miss my vein by a tenth of an inch. My first conscious attempt on my life for my best friend who I had hurt more than once in a single day and still she stuck by me. She cried now, I hurt her bad enough that she cried. My precious Alex, she was so hard, and yet I was strong and stupid enough to make her cry. I found in the morning the cut deep enough but off to the right just slightly. Alex told me that if I killed my self she would kill herself and come to where ever I was to kill me again.

The next morning, the two of us woke up around the same time. Neither one experiencing a good night's sleep and both feeling quite awkward to speak. My guardian was the one to come down, warn us that she was going to work, and her husband would be home in a bit from the store. I then offered Alex breakfast and questioned her nights sleep. We at and deiced to write a story. We never finished or stared the story but began playing a computer game together and got stuck on a part when her dad came. The awkwardness never completely went away. I still love her but never again will I touch her. I don't even think a friendly hug after years of not seeing each other would be appropriate now.

The alternate ending. My dream and what I wish would have happened to the Story before.

After she left I dreamed things went differently. I dreamed that she responded to my rubbing her leg while we were talking and sat up. We never got bored enough to go upstairs and watch the movie and I didn't come down from my high that far. She took my hand and put it on her face because I had told her that night how beautiful it was. I began to rub her cheek with my thumb. She turned on the couch and scooted closer to me. Wrapping her arm around my back she pulled me close to her as though making a gesture to kiss her. I leaned in and she didn't lean away so I kissed her sweet, soft lips. To my surprise, though in a dream, she accepted the kiss and kissed me back. It was short but pleasing for both of us.

She took hold of my shoulders and laid me down on top of her. I looked into her eyes and brushed some hair away from her face. Then she kissed me. "Why won't you experiment with me?" I asked. I knew that the kisses were just to make me happy because she doesn't feel that way for me. "I know that I'm straight, Katt" She returned. "Most people don't determine their sexuality until they are 18 or 20, Alex hun." I pleaded. "Then how do you know you're a lesbian? Your 14." "How do you know I'm not?" "I can tell you are" "How do you know your not?" "I can tell I'm not" "I never would have thought to sleep with a girl if I wasn't encouraged by a friend. Never! It turned out that you could tell I'm a lesbian. You've never experimented so how can you be for sure? I was as straight as an arrow before I ever met Jess and now I'm as straight as an arrow on a U-turn sign. You see Alex you don't know. Experiment with me once and you never have to do any thing with me ever again!" After hesitating for a second and thinking about our friend Jess, (not Jessica) she said calmly, "If I do this and don't like it we for get it, wipe it out of our memories, and never mention it to ANYONE!" without thinking I said "Done." More hesitation "Ok. But only this once."

"We'll start with a series of questions." I said "Ok" "Why did you kiss me?" "To make you happy. I don't like when you on a down, Katt." I began to rub the inside of her thigh now. "How does that make you feel?" "That's more than a question," she warned. "Alex, you agreed to this, hunny" I said, "it's awkward" "I know" "We shouldn't do this" "Well…" I trailed off continuing to rub her leg. "I don't mind it, it's just that you were my best friend first." "You don't mind it?" I said hopefully. "Not really," she replied. I then took my hand and placed it on her face and leaned down to kiss her. It was longer than the first one and more passionate too. "Alex?" She still had her eyes closed as thought she forgot she was supposed to open them. "Yeah?" she said softly. "How was that?" "Wow." This made me smile and I'm sure that if you were watching me sleep you would have wondered who filled my dreams. I had her take off her shirt. "You feel strange in front of me?" "I'm embarrassed" "Why hunny you're beautiful." I say as I begin to rub her stomach. "Katt, don't touch my stomach." "Oh Alex," I sigh. Alex and I, we're real people. We're not fat in any way, actually we're quite strong, but we are by no means skinny bones. Neither one of us was above 200 lb. at that point but she was still embarrassed. She carried her weight well and there was no real reason for her to be embarrassed. My hand moved up her side and came to rest upon her breast. I waited for a reaction from her. Nothing, so I began to pull her bra down and she stopped me. "Katt, hun, now wait." "Alex, you said that we could do it first and if you didn't like it afterwards we could forget it." [The fact that I was so persistent in the dream kind of makes me wonder about my personality.] "Well…" She trailed off this time. "Ok no more questions. Alex take off you jeans, relax." "I can't be relaxed in front of you like that."

We didn't argue any more. [I'm surprised that the dream flowed that smoothly up to that point. Most of my dreams about loving her parts were missing and they didn't seem to flow.] I persuaded her to take off her jeans. Lying on my couch in her underwear and bra, I took off my shirt. I remember asking her something like "how do you feel now?" talking about me with my shirt off. She didn't respond and if she did I don't remember. The next thing I remember was, me picking her up off the couch and caring her over to my bed. I set her down and took of my jeans. I began to kiss down her stomach and she again stopped me. "Katt, what are you doing?" "Alex, Just let me do it!" I continued and she pulled my head back gently, "Katt, hun, stop please." "Alex, why?" "Because I don't like it." It was then that I realized that my dreams were going to betray me now as well as my life and that once I woke up I could never sleep again. "Alex, hush" I said as I put my head back down to her soft smooth skin. She just watched but I could feel her stomach muscles trying to pull away. I folded down the elastic band of her panties and she got hot. "Katt, no!" she took the opportunity of completely catching me off guard to push me off of her. "Alex!"

As we lay there for a second in all of our confusion and both of us wondering what the other was thinking I turned to looked at her. She turned towards me too and apologized for acting rash. I told her that she could do any thing she wanted as long as she was happy. That is when my dream took a turn and I played with her beautiful breast for about half an hour while she talked to me. She didn't seem to mind. We both then dressed again and climbed into bed. I woke up then feeling strangely that it could have happened that way if only I hadn't been so screwed up and thought to do the question and answer thing. I thought twice and realized that Alex was who Alex was and Alex, my Alex was straight.

If you have enjoyed Xanthe Talia Carpathi's "Best Friends To Die For", then please be certain to e-mail her at  CabaretSallyGirl@yahoo.com  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of Xanthe Talia Carpathi's  Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.