Sapphic Voices General Fiction

I Can Only Dream

by Sara Aldsworth
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Copyright © by Sara Aldsworth, April 2011

“I woke up this morning with Stacey lying next to me in bed. Her long auburn hair was lying seductively across her breasts, covering her nipples and begging me to touch her. She was sleeping peacefully, with her left arm stretched out under her head and the other reaching towards me, not quite touching. At first, I was almost too stunned to believe it. We’re roommates, in our third year of university. Even after all these months, she has yet to find out I’m a lesbian, and I know that she has a steady boyfriend. We’ve shared the world together, but the painful reality that we can only be friends has yet to change.

She made a sleep noise and began to stretch towards me. I had gone to bed naked the night before, and when she brushed across my ribs I moaned, filled with electricity. To my amusement, she opened her large grey eyes. I smiled expectantly, wondering what she would say.

“Morning sweetheart,” I said, just above a whisper.

“Oh, you’re awake,” was all she replied before rolling over away from me.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about?”

She let out a sigh, its tone resembling a cross between a groan and a scoff. On any other day, I would have hated that sound. It almost always means that she’s mad at me. Today, though, I wasn’t so sure. I closed my eyes for a moment, making a silent prayer that whatever news she had was what I so desperately wanted to hear.

“I need your advice on something,” she stated, still not looking at me.

“Shoot.”

“Okay. Well, for some time now I’ve known that I’m a lesbian. Don’t tell anyone though, because you’re the first person I’ve ever come out to.”

“Look at me.”

She rolled over slowly, overshooting and nearly causing us to collide. I shivered.

“All right. So continue on with the story.”

“Well… the reason I’m really still seeing Nick is that my parents are very homophobic, and if they found out they’d stop paying my tuition, and I’d have to drop out. If I ever do come out to them, I may not be allowed in my house again.”

“You know, if you ever need someone to support you, I’m always here. Actually, I’m a lesbian too. I’ve been meaning to tell you for some time, there was just never a place for it in the conversation.”

Her eyes lit up at the possibility, but then darkened again, as if blushing. I could tell that she was interested in me. The question now then, was how much. Obviously it was quite a lot if she had the guts to crawl into bed with me. And naked, no less. I was madly in love with her. Did she feel the same?

“Rebecca?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry, Stacey, I was just lost in thought. What were we saying?”

“So, there’s this girl that I like.”

My heart quickened and leapt into my throat. Was it me she was talking about? The signs were all there, but I was still nervous. Was my dream coming true? I looked deep into her eyes, searching for an answer, for something, anything, that would prove to me she felt the same.

“Who is it? Do I know her?”

“I’m sure you know her quite well.” She smiled playfully. I felt like a kitten, latching on to her improvised yarn.

“What does she look like?”

“Very beautiful. Tall, long brown hair, big green eyes. Kind of like you, actually.”

“Really?”

“It’s just a coincidence.”

“Right.”

I reached towards her, filled with unexpressed desire. She answered by holding my face in her hands and closing her eyes. Our lips met, and I gasped, never more alive for all the passion and lust I was feeling. Our tongues danced as our hands explored each other’s backs, thighs and breasts. I thought I was going to die from the tension, when suddenly, I felt a shaking on my shoulders.

“Rebecca? Rebecca?”

It was Stacey’s voice, but how was that possible? My breast was in her mouth, and she was flicking my nipple with her tongue.

“Rebecca? Are you okay?”

I opened my eyes to find myself lying on my back, with Stacey hovering over me, wearing pajamas with her hands on my shoulders, hair cascading onto my neck.

“What is it?”

“Are you all right?”

“What?” I blinked, reaching up to rub my eyes. In response, she slid her hands off my shoulders and sat beside me. I was about to sit up, but remembering my nakedness, I slowly slid back down, blushing. She gave me a thin, pained smile. My heart sank as I realized something was going on.

“I’m fine,” I reassured her. “What’s up?”

“I, um, I heard you calling me. I was afraid you might be hurt, so I followed your voice. Then I found you sleeping, and… I realized you were moaning.”

“I–”

“Don’t say anything. I just want to know why it had to be me… um, take your time.”

I considered my response, carefully weighing all of the options. How honest could I be with her, without going too far? Where was the line between honest and brutally honest being drawn? It seemed like my head was spinning so fast it was going to fly off. My God, it was too early in the morning for being bombarded.

“Okay, let’s see. Well… I guess it’s pretty obvious now that I’m a lesbian. I never told you only because there just never seemed to be a place for it. I’m sorry that I fell for you. I don’t want to be in love with you, but I am.”

“Unbelievable.”

She stood up and walked out silently, slamming the door behind her, and slamming another one when she got to her own room. I slowly turned over, gathering myself in a fetal position. Tears welled up in my eyes, and as they started rolling down my face, I wondered how we would make it through until the end of the school year. I had known that she would reject me all along. But that one simple, absolute word made me finally realize that when it comes to her loving me, I can only dream.

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