Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Did She Know?

Did she know what was lurking in my mind? It felt like she did. We’ve been the best of friends since college; that’s over twenty years now. She knows me better than anyone; we’ve talked about almost everything, but this one thing. I never told her about it because I was afraid. I still am. I could barely admit this feeling to myself, let alone reveal it to her. That kind of revelation destroys friendships all the time.

We’d been out all day, on vacation together, site-seeing. We’d gone the cheap route on the hotel accommodations, a room with just a king size bed and a pull-out sofa. She said she didn’t mind it, but as we were turning in, she said with a smirk, “Don’t play with my butt.”

I told her that wouldn’t happen, joking that she didn’t have the right ‘equipment,’ all the while wondering why she said that. Was she just joking, as we’ve been known to do, or did she know what was in my head? That was last spring. Nothing happened. I massaged her head to help her to sleep, then I lay there staring at her bare shoulder under her spaghetti strapped night shirt most of the night. I wanted to cuddle up behind her and feel her warmth against me, but couldn’t summon up the courage.

As I said before, that was months ago. But I keep re-living that night, wondering if she knows how I feel. I keep thinking of responses I could’ve or should’ve said…”Why? Are you afraid you’ll enjoy it?”…or, “Trust me, if I touch you, I won’t be playing.” Then fantasy takes over and paints a completely different finish of the night.

The next morning, I drove her to the airport. We had to go home, she, back to her life and I, back to mine. She was flying, but I had an eight-hour drive. I unloaded her luggage from the trunk. We were standing on the sidewalk in front of the departures terminal. I’m terrible with good-byes where she’s concerned, so I begged off going inside the terminal with her.

“Well…” I said, “I’d better get going. I’m holding up traffic.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I don’t want to miss my flight.”

I knew that was not true, with her marriage wasting away, and her stressful job adding insult to injury. She didn’t want to go home to the chaos of her life any more than I wanted to go back to the chaos of mine.

We hugged each other tightly. Her dark curls smelled of coconut. I felt myself crumbling. I couldn’t let go.

“You know I love you,” she said quietly, the way she’d said it many times in the past.

All I could manage was a choked, “Uh huh.”

We let go and I got in the car. I sat there waiting for traffic to clear, but mostly trying to compose myself. Then I looked out the passenger window. She bent down and waved good-bye at me, showing me that silly grin that usually makes me laugh. It wasn’t quite as funny just then. I smiled and shooed her off, then made my way out of the airport. I drove home wondering how things might have been if I hadn’t moved away all those years ago.

If you have enjoyed ave's "Did She Know?", then please be certain to e-mail her at  ave[at]sapphicvoices.com  and thank her for posting this Story.

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