Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Patsy’s Dilemma

Her brain was a jumble of thoughts and ideas that conflicted with each other so that her mind knew no peace. She tried to concentrate on what she was doing but things ricocheted around in her head getting in the way.

Patsy turned away from the screen and sighed. She had really wanted to work on the story, but her mind was just too active and distracted by all the random thoughts.

She decided to go for a walk instead, hopefully it would clear up some of the muddle in her head. This was one of those days that the brain chemicals were acting up. For the umpteenth time she cursed her luck of being born Bipolar and went to get her coat.

She was one of the lucky ones, she could hold down a job and even on days like today muddle through and get come of her copy writing done. She had lucked out at having a job that she could work from home at and have the freedom to do things like take a walk when the brain wasn’t cooperating.

She saw Jane and said hello as she locked up her apartment. Jane was just getting back from the store and had her arms full of packages. Patsy went over to help her.

“Getting the weekly shopping done?” Patsy asked as she took a sack of groceries from Jane so that she could dig in her purse for her keys.

“Yeah it is a pain but what can you do, would you care to come in for a coffee or something?” Jane asked her as she unlocked her door and took the sack from Patsy’s hands.

“Thanks, but no, I was on my way to take a walk. Maybe later on when I get back.”

“That would be nice, I have some coffee cake I bought which should go well.” Jane said with a shy sort of smile.

Patsy liked that smile, she thought Jane was cute. She would never tell her to her face, but there were times she daydreamed about being her lover. She didn’t know if Jane was that way, but in her fantasies she was.

Patsy walked along with her mind slowly organizing itself from the riot that it had been. It was nothing she had done, it was just the way her mind operated. She would take a walk not thinking of anything in particular, and usually the brain storm that had afflicted her earlier would let up a bit.

Hopefully it would let up enough so she could finish the piece she was writing. She was facing a deadline in a couple of days on it and she wanted to get it done and polished up before then.

Patsy stopped at the corner store and bought herself a soda. It was one of the bad habits she was trying to break. Whenever she drank too many sodas she started to gain weight, and then her doctor would be on her case. Just because her mother had developed diabetes didn’t mean she would, but Dr. Anderson was always worried with her weight gain.

Patsy could stand to take more walks, for she was over her ideal weight. It was the meds that she was on that made her gain and hold the weight. It was a tradeoff she willingly made.

Without her meds she would be a basket case, sunk in a suicidal depression and cutting on herself just for the thrill of seeing the blood. She had learned the hard lessons about trying to make it without taking her meds. The scars she bore were a silent testimony to her peculiar form of madness.

Maybe her fascination with blades helped her in her writing fantasy stories. She knew exactly how much pressure was needed on a sharp knife to break the skin, and how to make the cut deeper with as little effort and pain as possible.

It was a skill won through dark madness. Why she cut was almost like asking a fish why it swam. Without her meds she couldn’t help it, the impulse would overcome her and she would be wounding herself, sometimes to the point of needing stitches.

It was her preferred method of suicide, and even with the meds, her mind was still made up about how she would kill herself when the time came. She had her reasons and excuses to live one more day, but she had to constantly update her conviction to stay alive. It was just too easy to let slip and try again to slit her wrists.

Such pleasant thoughts, she thought to herself, for the twentieth or so time that day. Self destruction was always just below the surface. The veneer of normalcy grew thin and shaky at times. At least she wasn’t as big a mess as she had once been.

She had learned through hard lessons how to sidetrack and waylay these thoughts of self harm, through a method called Dialectic Behavior Therapy or D.B.T. she had learned how to monitor her thoughts, and turn them away from doing something stupid through all manner of mental tricks.

Distraction, thought manipulation, these were tricks to keeping the blade from her skin. She had a whole list of things to do besides cutting.

She was proud of herself, for it had been months since she had given into the impulses that only another cutter would begin to understand.

The irrationality of her impulse had ceased to confound and amaze her. She had stopped trying to rationalize the irrational and it had given her a kind of peace to give up on trying to understand. She just knew she had these impulses and acted accordingly.

She had finished her soda and started back to her apartment. Her thoughts were not so helter skelter anymore, she felt she could get her work done with minimal distraction.

She thought about Jane. She was someone Patsy would like to get to know better, but it was hard to approach the woman. Patsy didn’t have a smooth line or glib manner that she could use to woo her.

That is if she was wooable. She saw the signs that made her think she was gay, but gaydar was not one hundred percent and Patsy had been wrong before.

Before she lost her nerve she knocked on Jane’s door.

“Hey, I figured if the coffee invitation is still active I would take you up on it before I got back to work.” Patsy said in a rush when Jane answered the door.

“Sure, I just finished making a pot and was about to sit down to a little coffee cake and coffee myself. Come on in.”

Nervously Patsy stepped into the apartment. It was tidy, without an overzealous devotion to neat. They headed for the dining room table where Patsy seated herself while Jane went to get her coffee and a plate for the cake which was sitting ready to be cut on the table.

“So, what do you do? If I may be so bold.” Jane said as she came in with a cup utensils and the Coffee pot.

“I am a sort of freelance copy editor, who works from home. I write copy for advertising, press releases and for the web.”

“That sounds interesting I do data entry and secretarial work. I have to go to the office every once in awhile but I get to work from home many days.”

“You must enjoy that very much, I mean the freedom of being able to work from home.” Patsy said.

“Yes and no, I find I miss the office and some of my friends there when working from home, but then I am also a writer, so it gives me the freedom to work on some pieces.”

“Oh I am a writer too, have you been published yet?”

“I have some pieces out on the web, but I haven’t been paid to publish anything yet. How about you?”

“I have sold some pieces to online magazines and one print magazine, but I haven’t hit the big time yet, which is getting a novel published or anything.” Patsy stammered.

“Well that still sounds exciting, do you have an agent yet?” Jane asked.

“Oh no, nothing so formal though I have a friend who shows my work around.”

They went on and talked about such things for much of the afternoon. Patsy found herself becoming more at ease with each passing moment. Finally it was time to get back to work, so Patsy excused herself.

“Don’t be a stranger,” Jane said at the door. Patsy felt a warmth flood through her.

“You neither, I enjoyed our talk very much.” Patsy said, suddenly embarrassed again.

“Say, if you want to catch a bite to eat later on, I am free this evening.” Jane said, looking down at her feet nervously.

“Wow, I am glad you did that, it saves me from having to think up how to ask you to dinner.” Patsy said.

“It did? I mean does that mean you would like to?”

“I would love to get together tonight.” Patsy said.

“That is great, then I will see you tonight at seven.” Jane said.

Patsy walked over to her apartment door in a daze. She waved bye to Jane as she unlocked her door and slipped inside.

Now her mind was racing for other reasons. It had been awhile since she had been on a date, and she had half forgotten how to get ready. She got about an hour’s worth of work done then she took a shower and washed her hair.

Choosing an outfit was a nightmare, she didn’t want to be too dressy, and she didn’t want to be too casual. She settled on her blue dress skirt and a white blouse. She accessorized the outfit with a colorful scarf at her throat and a cameo broach. She figured cameos went with everything.

She just added a little makeup around her eyes and her favorite lipstick, a deep red Revlon that showed off her lips without making them too full.

Patsy was ready by six, and spent a nervous hour fiddling with her outfit, trying to get it just so. The knock came on her door at seven sharp. She grabbed her wrap and went to answer.

It seems she had chosen well, for Jane was dressed in a beige skirt and blue blouse. She looked as nervous as Patsy felt. Patsy smiled what she hopefully thought was a friendly smile and invited Jane in.

Jane smiled and stepped into her apartment looking around. She noticed the computer in the corner and smiled.

“You have a Dell, so do I, though mine is getting a little long of tooth.”

“Would you care for something before we leave, I have liquor and beer?” Patsy offered.

“No thank you, have you thought about where you want to go?” Jane asked.

“How does Mexican sound to you, I was thinking Chuy’s?”

“Oh that sounds fine, I hadn’t thought about them.” Jane said.

“Phew, I was scared about suggesting it, I didn’t know what you might feel like eating.” Patsy said nervously.

Jane gave a little laugh. “Look at us, nervous like two school girls. Boy, dating is hard work.”

Patsy laughed and smiled at the remark. She went to get her shoes on, which she had forgotten in getting dressed.

“Yeah, I am not the most smooth operator if you get down to cases.”

“I noticed, that is what attracted me to you from the start, you are friendly but not glib.” Patsy blushed a little.

“And you can continue to do that, I think it is cute.” Jane told her.

“I didn’t think you would be interested, I mean I wasn’t certain you were gay.” Patsy said.

“I thought I had a flashing neon sign over my head saying “Dyke”.” Jane quipped.

Patsy laughed and started to feel more at ease.

“I guess we better get going, Chuy’s gets crowded.”

“That’s okay, we will sit at the bar and pick the other patrons apart for their fashion flubs.” Jane teased.

“Oh is that one of your pastimes too?”

“Only when they deserve it, which is more often than some people like.”

They went out chatting to Patsy’s car chatting and got in. It was a short ride to the restaurant and was over quickly. They found a fair parking place and walked towards the restaurant talking.

They got their first look from a group of young men by the door. Nothing was said, but the looks were enough to put both women on edge.

“It’s okay, they won’t bite.” Patsy whispered in Jane’s ear as they passed by. Jane smiled at that.

They had a few minutes wait, so they went to the bar and ordered margarita’s. They sipped their drinks while scanning the crowd.

“Crowds can be such fun.” Patsy commented.

“How so?” Jane asked.

“Well there is the aforementioned fashion critiques, and they are a good source of character studies for writing.”

“That is true. Sometimes I will go to the coffee shop and just sit for an hour soaking in the crowd, observing how different people act. It is almost like therapy for me.” Jane told her.

“Therapy, something everyone needs at least a little of, if just to get their self-awareness kick started.” Patsy said.

“Spoken like one who knows.” Jane teased.

Patsy looked up nervously, to see Jane smiling a friendly and open smile.

“I guess now is as good a time as any to let you know, I am broken.”

“How so?” Jane asked, curiosity in her voice.

“My brain chemicals, they get pesky and out of sorts at times, I am Bipolar.”

“So that is your big secret?” Jane said simply.

“Yeah, it is something you should know about me, because it can affect how I relate to others, and how I might react to situations.” Patsy said nervously, hoping she wasn’t driving a wedge between them already.

“Well there is about three days out of the month I can get rather crotchety, I don’t see that it is much different. We are all slaves to our bodies and what they do to us sometimes.”

“It is just some people are nervous about such things and have the wrong idea about my condition.” Patsy said.

“How so?” Jane asked noncommittally.

“Well there are the mood swings and depression that can get pretty bad.”

“I have been depressed before, so that they treated it, I don’t see that this disqualifies you from being a cool person.” Jane said.

“Some people are afraid we will get violent or abusive, that we will start doing crazy things.”

“Well, will you? I mean if you are going to start dancing topless on the table I would like to know.” Jane joked.

Patsy blushed again and mumbled . “No, nothing like that.”

“If you start weirding me out I will let you know, but I don’t see it as a problem. You are funny, creative and fun to talk to, that matters more to me than pesky brain chemicals.” Jane said sincerely.

“Thanks, I mean I think the same about you.”

“Good now let’s talk about what is not working with her outfit.” Jane said pointing out one of the other customers.

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