Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Evenings With Emma

Authoress Note: Although I did do medical research for this Story, I may not be portraying the illness accurately, but did my best to do so.

I look back on how it all began and it is interesting, really, how one person could turn my world upside down forever. When we first met, she was confident energetic and smart. What made me fall in love with her was her spontaneousness. I had never had that growing up. Everything for me had always been planned by my father, who was a lawyer in a big firm in down town Columbus, Ohio. The plan was that I would go through school at a private school in the suburbs, then attend college at Harvard, and become a Lawyer and be a partner in my father’s firm. Somewhere in between Harvard and becoming a partner, I would marry a handsome man, preferably someone on the same type of career track as me. That was the plan, but plans change.

I did go to Harvard and get my law degree. It was hard work but I did it, and all for the love and respect of my father. I remember my first day on the job like it was yesterday. It was a clear March day, a good day for a new job.

"And this, Sarah, is your secretary." My dad concluded with my orientation to the office. "Her name is Emma. I am sure you will find her very helpful."

"Nice to meet you." I remember saying to her as I gazed into her bright green eyes. I suppose I knew then that I felt different about her then any other person I had met. She had chin length hair. She was about my height and seemed to be an enthusiastic person.

"Nice to meet you too," she said in a light voice. "I have a pot of coffee set up on the counter she said pointing, "and your first two clients files are in the middle of your desk."

"Great!" I said "I can tell I am going to enjoy working with you!"

"Well, I will leave you to your tasks then Sarah," my father said brightly, "good day." He said side stepping Emma and heading towards the elevators and his office on the top floor of the skyscraper we were in.

Over the next few months, I learned my way around the office and was soon working as if I had been there for ten years. Emma and I had also become a well-oiled team it seemed. She was always so upbeat and cheery. Always willing to go the extra mile for me by getting me my favorite flavored coffee and she always remembered my favorite foods and drinks and always scheduled big lunch meetings with clients at my favorite restaurant, Rossi’s.

One morning I walked into the office and Emma was not her usual cheerful self. Something seemed to be upsetting her, but I wasn’t sure what. In fact it looked like she had been crying.

"Emma, is there anything I can do for you?" I asked gently, for the moment forgetting that I was supposed to be her boss.

"Oh...no...It.. is just that.. just that, well..." she stammered, "well I had a fight with my parents last night, but it is a personal matter."

I looked at her as I thought about this bit of information, a fight with her parents, but she was in her mid twenties and certainly was no longer under their control. This sounded slightly familiar.

"Well, I know we are co-workers," I began, "but if there is something you need to talk about I am here for you. In fact I don’t have any lunch plans today, I would be happy to go to lunch with you, I have had my fair share of problems with my parents too." I said remembering the many fights my parents and I had had when they first discovered I was lesbian.

"OK," Emma said.

"Great!" I said.

Later that afternoon as we sat at Rossi’s eating salads, Emma slowly began to tell me her story.

"My parents are pretty strict. I have lived out of the house since I was sixteen, because they don’t agree with my lifestyle, for religious reasons." She paused. "last night the fight was because they thought I had been going through a stage. I dated my last girl friend for five years before breaking it off, and they thought I had been experimenting. But last night I told them I think I found someone new."

I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I had been holding. My feelings for Emma were truly of something more then friendship. At least that is what I wanted them to be. Finding out that she had her eye on someone disappointed me. I suddenly realized that Emma had stopped talking and silence was growing quickly between us.

"Are you upset that I told you all this?" Emma was saying. "I thought you would understand since you are also a lesbian."

"How-how did you know that?" I asked her surprised.

"Oh just a feeling I had, call it gay-dar" she said laughing. "really though I am pretty good at figuring people out, it comes from my years of working with many different types of people.

"I am surprised you knew," I said. "so you found someone you like?" I asked her carefully once again holding my breath. "do I know her?" I asked thinking of all the women we had working at my father’s firm.

Emma reddened slightly. "Yeah....you know her." She said slowly. "It is you."

"Wow, I am honored." I said, immediately realizing that sounded like I was accepting an award. "I mean, I feel touched. I like you too!" I said in a rush.

Emma and I began spending more and more time together. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about. We didn’t even get tired of one another. We spent the day at the office where our visits were mostly about work. But during the evenings we did things like take long walks in the wooded areas around Columbus. That was our favorite place to go, listening to the birds and the special silence the trees provided.

We spent hours talking about everything from politics to music we liked to favorite board games. We went on picnics and roller-bladed too. We spent late nights up talking at one another's apartments and ordered Pizzas at one o’clock in the morning! We truly began to fall in love.

At work it became harder and harder to hide our outside relationship. One cloudy morning my father came down to my office.

"Sarah, I have been meaning to talk with you, do you have some time right now?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, closing the file that I had been working on. "What’s up?"

"Well, I have noticed that you and Emma have been spending a lot of time together outside of the office, and I am wondering what that is all about. I think I have a pretty good idea but want to hear your side of the story first. Oh and don’t worry about this affecting your career as this discussion is between father and daughter."

"All right." I said slowly gathering my thoughts. "Well, Emma and I are really good friends, but we are more then friends. We have been dating each other for the past six months, and we have decided to move in with each other."

"Honey, don’t you think you might be moving a little to quickly? I mean when I met your mom, we waited a year to move in with each other." He said sounding slightly concerned.

"Dad, I am not worried about that. I have never felt the same way about any other person. I can’t imagine living with anyone else but Emma, I want to spend my life with her."

"Well, if you are serious about this. I know your mother and I have had problems with this.. ahem.. lifestyle, in the past, but I have realized you are still my little snickelfritz." My father said smiling as he used the nickname he had called me when I was a little kid. "and this won’t affect your standing at the firm as I know that would be discrimination."

So on a snowy day in January, Emma and I moved her things into my apartment. Emma was excited because my apartment had a larger kitchen then hers did.

Life over the next two years was wonderful and everything I had dreamed it would be. Not only was I succeeding in work, by moving up through the ranks at my father’s firm, but I was also living with the most wonderful woman. We still loved to walk in the woods and still enjoyed an occasional late night pizza along with a game of scrabble. We spent time being close to each other. Learning the curves of each other’s naked bodies in the dim candlelight. We kissed and hugged and held each other close. We seemed to gain strength from one another and each time we made love we found out something about each other and the bond we shared.

"I don’t ever want things to change between us," I told Emma seriously one night as we were wrapped in each other’s arms.
"My life is perfect the way it is because you are in it."

"I don’t want things to change either." Emma said. "I love you, Sarah." She said stroking my hair.

The next morning I woke up to a horrendous crashing sound of silverware hitting the hardwood floor. I sat up quickly. "what was that?" I asked myself.
I ran down to the kitchen and saw Emma on her hands and knees picking up forks and spoons that were strewn all over the floor.

"Can you believe how clumsy I am?" She asked laughing slightly looking up at me with her bright green eyes."I was carrying this silverware from the dishwasher over to the drawer and suddenly, I dropped them!"

"Well I will help you pick them up then!" I said bending down and picking up a stray fork that had gone under the stove.

"It certainly was a wake up call!" I grinned at her.

After we picked up all the silverware and reloaded them into the dishwasher, I began making breakfast for us.

"mmmm! Bagels and scrambled eggs! My favorite!" Emma exclaimed as I set a plate in front of her.

I brought my plate to the table and sat down.

"Well, what do you have going for today?" I asked Emma brightly.

"I was planning to pick up your birthday present, actually!" She smiled mischeviously.

As she scooped up some scrambled egg on to her fork.

"Oh-you don’t have to get me anything sweetie!" I said teasing.

"Why of course I do!" she said. She scooped up some more scrambled egg, but this time it fell off her fork.

"I sure do have butter fingers this morning!" she said laughing.

This same kind of thing had been happening more and more lately. Emma was having trouble holding on to things, and sometimes lost her balance. I had been wanting to talk to her about it, but had avoided it until she dropped the silverware.

"I am worried about you Emma." I said. "You have had more and more problems like this. Maybe it is time to see a doctor?"

"I think it is. I am worried too. But I am scared. Will you come with me?" she asked sounding worried.

"Yes, I will come with you. You just set up the appointment." I replied giving her a meaningful look across the plate of scrambled eggs.


Emma made the appointment with Dr. Leaverman for the next day.
We drove over to Dr. Leaverman’s office in silence. At a stoplight I turned my head and looked at Emma, wishing I could hug her troubles away.

"I don’t want to worry you, Sarah," Emma said in a rush, "But I feel so out of control,. I don’t know what is happening to me and what is causing this. I can’t control my own movements. It is scary and I don’t know what to do." She said tears streaming down her face.

"I am sure we will find out what is wrong." I said stroking her hair. I wasn’t sure if I believed this statement. I was more worried about Emma then I had ever been about anything in my life. But I knew I had to stay strong to support her. So I continued to listen.

"My whole life I have been in control," Emma went on as the traffic began moving again. "I always got what I needed by working for it, I have not even been sick very often and now this? And it seems like I have anew problem every day, and it is so inconsistent. I can’t even say when these things are happening. They happen at different times through out the day. I just don’t know what to think."

"I am sure the doctor will do all he can to help get to the bottom of this." I said hoping that would be the truth.

We arrived at the doctor’s office and had to wait twenty minutes. Finally the nurse called Emma back and after she did the usual weighing and blood pressure checking, the doctor came in to see Emma.

"What can I do for you today?" he asked, glancing down at Emma’s chart.

Emma explained to him the trouble she had been having lately, including balance problems and muscle movements. She also told him about her dizzy spells and blurred vision experiences.

When she had finished there was a short silence from Dr. Leaverman.

"Hmm, I am not going to pretend I am not concerned, Emma." He said seriously. "I think we should do several things here. One is a blood test. I want to test your electrolytes. And another is an MRI. You have heard of an MRI right? It stands for Magnetic Resonant Imaging. MRI’s look at the soft tissue such as brain tissue and CT scans look at bones and things like that. MRI’s are much more detailed. I want to check for abnormalities in your brain such as masses, or demyolation."

"Wait, wait" Emma said breaking in. "what do you mean demyolation? What does that mean? And by ‘masses’ do you mean cancer?"

"Well, masses can be cancerous or benign," replied Dr. Leaverman. "I want to check for diseases like Multiple scorolosis. These things can cause symptoms much like the ones you are having. Anyway, I want to rule those things out. I would like you to get an MRI as soon as possible. Today, would be good. Do you have any more questions?"

"No, I can go today." Emma said "Thanks for answering my questions."

As we waited for the technician to call us back for the MRI, Emma again mentioned her fears to me. "I am worried. What is this?" she asked. "I am so worried."

"I know, and I don’t want you to worry, Emma. What ever the results are, we will deal with together. Because we love each other." I said squeezing her hand.

The technician introduced himself as Jim and asked Emma and I to take off anything that was metal. He explained that the Cylyndicular magnet was very sensitive and any metal object could damage the results we would get back.

When both of us were ready we went into the room with the MRI machine. I sat in the plastic chair next to it. Emma was laying on the MRI table, wearing a hospital gown, with an IV catheter in her arm. I watched as the technician pressed a button and the table slid into the cylinder. Emma was surrounded head to foot by the machine. She shot me a thumbs up sign.

Jim left the room and suddenly we could hear his voice over the intercom.

"OK, Emma. Everything all right?"

"Yep" Emma said confidently.

"The first scan will last for a minute and then three scans will last a period of three minutes each, then we will pull you out and put the contrast in, sound good?" he said.

"Yep" Emma replied again.

The MRI machine was loud, even with my headphones on I could hear the jackhammering type noises it made.
Tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat
And then
Whoosha-whoosha-whoosha-whoosha
Followed by some high pitched beeps, more jack hammering noises and more wooshes. Then Jim came back into the room.

He pressed the button on the table and it slid half way out so he could reach Emma’s arm.
"Emma, I am going to inject the contrast into your arm now, you might be able to smell or taste this."

Two seconds later, Emma said "Oh I can smell it! Kind of like metallic flowers."
He smiled as he left the room once again.

"OK this one is going to be short," he said from over head.
The machine began its unique symphony again.
Tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat
In rhythm with the
Whoosha-whoosha-whoosha-whoosha.

"All done!" Jim said as he reentered the room and began helping Emma get unstrapped from the MRI machine. "You did a great job, sometimes people get a little closterfobic."

"Oh, I haven’t ever had problems with that." Emma said brightly.

"The results should probably be back Thursday." Jim said as we left the room.

The results of the MRI didn’t come back for three whole days. I was on pins and needles waiting. I could barely concentrate on my work. I couldn’t imagine what Emma must have been feeling. Every time I could over the next few days, I gave her looks of support and understanding. She appreciated it and I could tell she was more worried then she was letting on to our co-workers.

On Friday we sat together at our table in the kitchen eating lunch.
"I don’t know how much longer I can stand waiting for these results." Emma said as she took a bite out of her ham and Swiss cheese sandwich.

"I am sure they will come back soon." I said to her reassuringly.

"Yes, but why didn’t they come back yesterday like the technician said they would?" she asked.

"I think, he said they probably will come back in a few days. He wasn’t positive remember, and Dr. Leaverman still has to look at them."

"Well, I still don’t know how much-"

The ringing of the phone interrupted her.
"I will get it!" Emma practically yelled as she jumped up from her chair knocking it to the ground in her haste to get the phone first.

"Hello?
Yes this is she.
OK
No
Yeah that is fine. OK thanks. Bye"

"That was fast! What did they say?" I asked, as Emma returned the phone to its hook on the wall.

"Dr. Leaverman has seen the MRI results and wants me to come in after work, at five thirty."

"But why can’t he just tell you the results over the phone?" I asked puzzled.

"I don’t know, but it makes me wonder if the results are bad." Emma said in a shaky voice.

"Oh sweetie, don’t worry, It will be OK." I said walking over and hugging Emma. "We better get back to work before we are late. Come on let’s go."

Focusing on that afternoon’s work was difficult for both of us. If we had thought waiting for the results to come back was hard, this last bit of waiting was even harder then all the other waiting combined.

Finally it was time to go to Dr. Leaverman’s office. We rode over in silence, each thinking our own thoughts. After a short wait we were shown into a conference room with a large oak table. Emma and I sat down in soft comfortable chairs.

Dr. Leaverman entered carrying Emma’s chart and an envelope with the MRI films.
"The results of the MRI are not good." He began solemnly.
"Let me show you." He said slipping a film from the envelope and hanging it onto a light board on the wall behind him. "This is your brain Emma, this area of white, is abnormal. You have what is called Glio blastoma. This type of tumor grows near the area that has to do with muscle movement, the cerebellum. That is why you are having the symptoms you are. In some cases this tumor can be fixed with surgery. In your case though, this appears not to be true. Because the tumor is too big. I would like to try radiation ." He said trying to sound positive.

During the doctor’s explanation Emma’s eyes had gotten bigger and bigger. She was fighting back tears. I squeezed her hand as Dr. Leaverman continued talking.

""The radiation will not shrink the tumor enough to allow us to do surgery, but it may give you some more time. I am concerned about doing surgery now, because that would adversely affect the other parts of your brain.

"Well," Emma said in a shaken voice. " how long would you give me to live, with and without radiation?"

"With radiation we can expect you to live a month or so longer then without. At this point, I am afraid you may not live longer then six months to a year."

At this Emma couldn’t hold it back anymore, she began crying.

Dr. Leaverman handed her a Kleenex. "I am so sorry to have had to tell you this. I know it has seemed harsh, but I needed to tell you. You can call me any time night or day." He said consolingly. "I have some literature for you here too. It explains about radiation and some of its side effects. I want to start radiation therapy tomorrow, if possible. And of course I can talk to your place of employment and -"

"Oh, don’t worry about that" I said, "I will take care of that. We work together." I explained.

"All right,’ Dr. Leaverman said. "Go ahead and take all the time you need to collect yourself, we don’t need this room the rest of the day" He stood up to leave and hugged Emma. "Remember you can call anytime." He said firmly.

"yes, thank you Doctor." Emma said silent tears still streaming down her cheeks.
We sat in that room for two hours.

"How will I ever live without you?" I asked tears streaming down my own face.

"I don’t know, Sarah, but you have to." She said.

"I don’t think I can. You are my second half. You are what makes me whole." I cried.

"I can’t imagine leaving you, either. But we have to be ready for whatever is ahead." She said solemnly. "I need your support through this.-and who knows maybe the radiation therapy will work. Maybe the tumor isn’t as big as they think it is."

"I don’t know. Emma." I said replaying Dr. Leaverman’s words in my mind.

"Well, there is still hope." She said hugging me.

The next day Emma had her first radiology appointment. They would not allow me in the room for this one. I sat in the waiting room. I read a pamphlet that explained what radiation therapy was all about. It said that radiation therapy can kill cancer cells by using a stream of radioactive chemicals. The pictures reminded me of a laser. It said that side effects included, fatigue and loss of hair. Emma came out an hour later.

"I am tired." She said. "Let’s go home."
Hmm, just like the pamphlet I thought.

The next morning Emma woke up before me. I arrived in the kitchen surprised to see a big breakfast set on the table. There were pancakes, sausages and bacon. There was orange juice and a coffeecake. Scrambled eggs sat in the middle of it all and there were even strawberries and whipped cream.

"Wow, when did you do this? I asked surprised.

"Well, I woke up feeling pretty good and you weren’t awake yet so I thought I would make us breakfast. It might be one of the last times I get to do something like this for you." She said.
"It is beginning to hit me how real this is. I am going to die, so I need to make the most of my time with you, so I thought I would start by making breakfast." She smiled broadly.

"Oh.... you are so.... wonderful and amazing!" I said tears in my eyes. I ran over and kissed her.
"Well, I should cook breakfast for you more often!" Emma joked.

We ate breakfast slowly. We enjoyed each other’s company and ate until we were full. We had fun with the strawberries, trying, unsuccessfully, to feed them to each other. By the end both of us had whipped cream on the tips of our noses! We laughed at how silly we looked. Emma insisted on taking a picture "so you will always know how silly we were!" she explained. At this tears leapt into my eyes again. I defiantly brushed them away, trying to keep the mood light.
Emma and I spent that whole day at home, just being with each other.

Two months went by and I got used to spending a lot of time in the waiting room. One afternoon, Emma came out from the radiology therapy room. She was very upset as we drove home.
"Why, Why? Why?" Why, did this awful and terrible thing have to happen to me? I can’t be dying, not this young. I haven’t lived all my life yet. Why did it have to be me? I am being robbed of my life. " she exclaimed. "Look at what this stuff is doing to me! I am tired all of the time and almost all of my hair has fallen out!" I decided, I don’t want any more radiation."

"But, Emma... Your life will be shortened." I exclaimed.

"Well I would rather have a shortened life if it means I am actually awake to enjoy it." She said.
She had a point, I thought. Dr. Leaverman agreed to stop radiation, but asked that we continue to get medical support. He recommended using Hospice, which worked with people with terminal diseases like Emma’s. He explained they would look at Emma’s whole quality of life and would take care of her at our house. We soon got into the schedule of a hospice volunteer coming to our house twice a day.

A few evenings after Emma had stopped radiation, the crash of thunder awoke me from a horrible dream. I had dreamed that Emma had died but I wasn’t there to comfort her. I glanced at the bedside table and the alarm clock told me it was two in the morning. I turned my head the other way and saw Emma staring up at the ceiling.
I propped myself up on my elbow and whispered.

"You awake? Emma?"

"yeah" she whispered back "I can’t sleep, too much on my mind. It feels like such a waste of time to sleep."

"then don’t!" I exclaimed an idea popping into my head. "I think we should go for a walk."

"Now? But it is raining out there." She said incredulously.

"yes, Why not? We used to order pizzas in the middle of the night, and.. well. The rain is so romantic. I want you to remember that."

"OK, but I don’t know if I can walk very far." She said a little doubtfully.

"We aren’t in a race," I said gently. "we can take all the time in the world."

While Emma put some warmer clothes on, I packed a midnight snack of apple juice and cheese and crackers. When both of us were ready we walked out of the house and went straight towards the wooded area near by. The rain was slowing down by now, but there was still enough to make it romantic.

"I have been doing a lot of thinking." Emma said as we walked along holding hands.

"I don’t want you to remember me like this. I want you to remember the good times. We shared so many good times. While you were at work over the last few weeks, I have been putting together a video scrapbook of us. But I don’t want you to watch it until after I am gone. On it, I left a message for everyone special in my life, most of all you. I had copies made for each person, so you don’t have to worry about that. I also got my will all straightened out, so you don’t have to worry about that either."

"Oh Emma, don’t talk like this." I said. "You heard the doctor, you could live another six months! You don’t have to think about this now."

"Yes, I do." Emma said fervently. "I know my time is coming. Radiation therapy didn’t help. The tumor is not shrinking and I am having more and more problems, you know that. I keep feeling nauseated and I avoid stairs because I just can’t keep my balance on them anymore. I am having more times when I have blurry vision as well." She said gently. "But I don’t want you to remember me this way. I don’t want you to remember me with no hair, and sick."

"I won’t ever forget you." I said. "I love you."

The rain fell lightly over us covering us in a light mist. We sat together under a secluded large Oak tree. The thunder in the distance sounded like a kettledrum holding the melody of the rain. I reached out and stroked Emma’s face. I stroked her hair. The soft wisps were few. We had such a strong connection we didn’t need to talk. I felt Emma’s pain and sadness. I felt her contentedness to be doing what we were doing just then. We made love. Because of the radiation and the effect the tumor was having on her, making love was slower then it had been at one time. But it was just as loving as ever and filled with emotion. Our hearts connected. We lay there in the rain, just listening to the sounds of the thunder, wind and each other’s breathing.

"I love you Sarah. Don’t ever forget that. I love you. Remember how happy my life has been with you. I have had an excellent life. I couldn’t ask for anything more." Emma said with deep emotion.

"I will always love you." I said back to her, looking into her bright green eyes as I had that first day we met. "I knew it from the start."

Emma was sleeping more and more now. The strong medicines she was on to combat the nausea and the brain tumor itself made her drowsy. She no longer watched TV. She couldn’t see it clearly anymore. The tumor had taken some of her eyesight. She could still hear me though.
One day in Early December, Emma called me over to the bed.

"Sarah," she said looking up at me. "I think this is the end. I am done fighting. I am so tired."

"No, Emma, No please, Please don’t go." I cried.

"I have to, Sarah, I am no longer strong enough." She said. "I want to hold you one more time."

I slid into bed with her and we lay there, hugging each other.
"I love you Sarah." She whispered. After a while Emma’s grip loosened. I heard her breath become shallow.

"No." I cried. "Emma!"

I couldn’t wake her up. The doctor had said that she would eventually slip into a coma and would die soon after that. We didn’t need to go to the hospital because we had Hospice. I cried and stroked Emma’s pale face. I was with her when she took her last breath the next day.

The next few months were filled with the finalities of death. After Emma’s will was read and all of the sympathy cards and extra food was finished I had no one. I was lonely. I spent days crying. Somehow I still managed to work. My father knew how distraught I was. He took any opportunity he could to come see me. He even put me in counseling. The hurt was so deep that it didn’t help. The weather was dreary too. We seemed to be having a lot of colder days that winter. I felt so alone. I felt as if life wasn’t life without Emma in it. But somehow I kept going, because that is what I had promised Emma. I watched the video she made for me over and over. Her words played in my mind.

"Sarah, I don’t want you to stop living just because I had to stop. I want you to keep pursuing that goal of helping others with your work. You can do it. In fact you already have. I will be with you in spirit, you know that. I will be in the trees, the rain and all around you. You are not alone."

One day in early March, four years to the day we had met, I took an early lunch break and drove to the spot in the wooded area near our house where we had had our midnight picnic. I sat under the same large oak tree we had made love under. The trees were starting to grow leaves on them. Spring was in the air. I was looking up at the gray sky missing Emma when suddenly I saw a brilliant flash of color. It was a butterfly. It had beautiful blue wings with red and yellow spots. My heart lifted. Emma! That was her favorite thing about nature, butterflies. The butterfly stayed near me for ten minutes and then slowly drifted up into the branches of the oak tree. I felt better. My sadness was lifted somewhat. I had a great idea! I decided to start a trust in the name of Emma to provide counseling to other’s dealing with glioblastoma. I called it Wings of Support. I put my heart into it and began to live life again.

Today, I marvel at how Emma has changed my life. I no longer work at my Father’s firm. Wings of Support now receives my full attention and we are in our own building in a quiet neighborhood, with a lot of oak trees. Emma would love that. I will never forget her.

If you have enjoyed Kerri's "Evenings With Emma", then please be certain to e-mail her at  labs4kerri[at]sympatico.ca  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of Kerri's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.