Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Fireworks Or Waterworks

There she stood, clear as day some twenty foot away next to the lake. My heart jumped into my throat; my pulse quickened and my stomach began to feel empty. Was that really her? Standing right there? I stopped. My friends kept walking, soon realising why I had stopped. All I could do was staring, blankly. My body felt like it was trapped in a current. Slowly pushing me towards her; why couldn’t I just float into her arms like I have done so many times before? I pushed all my will power to my limbs, and managed to take a few steps back and turn. It was sickening; physically and emotionally sickening. My heart pulled, and my limps ached and felt like lead. Not to mention the dead feeling inside.


I miss her, I crave her touch, I love her so dearly; but I cannot. I turned and walked fast away towards the road, my friends calling out my name, but I did not hear. I just had to remove myself before I threw myself into her arms. Thoughts, leaving flowers, notes, nothing which would be appreciated, nothing that I used to do.

I kept walking, my friends following me across the road. Finally turning to my best friend I mumbled I felt sick and collapsed into his arms. Stroking my hair, kissing my head, he pulled me back to reality. Tears would not come. My body would not move; my eyes staring towards where I could see her and her friends. Pulling me back again, he grabbed my hand and pulled me forward once again. So I walked, stuck in this horrible void of break-up.


After we past where she was I found myself being led back towards the lake shore, away from her. I found my head keep turning towards where I could see her being held by her friend, I could not look away. Wondering why I could not stop glancing back, I forced myself to stride forward, away.

Soon I found myself sitting next to my best friend on a picnic rug, the very same rug I had laid with her only a month ago. Pulling me tightly into my arms, he told me to forget. How could I? How the fuck could I forget her? I pulled out of his embrace and laid down staring towards the now dark sky. I told my mum and dad that we would not be able to see anything over the trees where we were sitting. We were waiting for fireworks; Australia day. Half of the town was sitting around the lake waiting for the spectacular sight to come.


Everyone went quiet, and we heard the first huge bang, and a flicker of lights across the water. Rage fuelled through me as I saw I was indeed right. We could not see the fireworks over the trees. Everyone surrounding me, stood up, and either stood, walked towards the fireworks, or went home after hours of waiting. Standing up I felt my body shaking in anger, she was always my relief, my embrace of love which brought me home instantly.

I walked away from my family, running my hands through my hair, the sky behind me sparkling and changing colours, loud bangs and cracks emitted in the fresh air which I did not hear. Striding back and forth, my body shaking in anger, pacing, huffing, clenching my fists tightly. Almost automatically I started walking back towards where I saw her. I was followed by my little brother and my best friend.


Dodging people, weaving in and out, I pulled myself back to reality. Finally stopping, where I could see the fireworks, I finally burst into tears, my legs going weak and my heart pounding. I felt two arms slide around my shoulders and hold me close. It was my best friend, and my little brother standing beside me. Aching sadness and longing took over my body, and I just wanted to stand there all night, close to her, seeing what she was seeing. That’s where I lost my heart once again, total loss, grief and anger at my mum raged through my body making it hard to stand, though my best friend held me. He always does. I love her. She was my first, and always will be.

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Click here for a list of all of Kaitlyn Douglas' Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.