Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Flawless

I find her flawless.

Which isn’t to say she has no flaws, she actually has many. For one, her arms are an extra inch too long on each side. We measured them once. Apparently your arms, from the tip of one to the tip of other, are supposed to measure out equal to your height. Hers are two inches too long.

She stresses out easily. And when she succumbs to the stress, she has a habit of taking out her frustrations on anyone close enough for her irrational rage to reach. My best advice? Stay away from her finals week, unless she has already decided to drown out the stress with Malibu. Then you’re safe. She never was a mean drunk, though sometimes she enjoys the alcohol too much. I think she trusts it more than she ever trusted people.

She can never stay in one place. Which is fine, though some people view her restlessness as betrayal when she leaves one party for another. And while she’s out partying, drinking with the same speed of the beat of whatever song is playing, there is the likelihood that she will drink enough, much to the guys’ excitement and her chagrin, to make out with her pretty blonde friend.

I’m one of the few who wouldn’t even consider that a flaw, even though it’s one thing about her that hurts me the most.

She loves hard. Too hard. And when she falls and shatters her heart, she never learns a lesson. I’d blame him, but she wouldn’t want that. She gave him her heart, and I don’t know that she’ll ever get it back. She deserves the world, but I don’t think she knows that. She deserves better than him, but I don’t think she knows that, either.

It’s the second thing about her that hurts me the most. Because I would treat her right. I would treat her best.

I think she knows this, but I’ll never confirm it.

I find her in her room after classes. She pretends to be immersed into homework, but I know she’s barely focused, if the Gaga music blasting from her computer is any indication. I drop my bag, glad to be done with the weight for the day, and climb up into her bed, pulling up the Toy Story blanket draped at the foot of it. She asks me if I want a piece of gum. “Gum would be perfection” I reply, which sets us off into a fit of giggles and ‘Friends’ quotes.

We fall into a comfortable silence that is actually laced with anxiety. She pays it no notice, as she reaches over to grab her vibrating cell phone. She flips it open, chuckling at whatever text she had just received. As I enjoy the sound of her laughter, I contemplate what I should do next. I have a habit of speaking before thinking, but with her, I think before everything.

The words enter my head with ease but get caught before they can even make it to my throat. Words that would change the course of everything we’ve built are rarely spoken. And even when they are, they are rarely heard.

She wouldn’t hear them, even though she listens to me more intently than anyone ever has. She lets me vent when the others are too loud or too obnoxious, even though she has been friends with them much longer than she has even known me. She offers help when I find it difficult to even comprehend how I can finish the semester feeling as clueless as I often do in my new major, a major that she has grown comfortable in over the years. She knows how alone I am capable of feeling, and she knows how much of a disappointment I believe I am.

I’ve let her in more than I ever could, and still, she never really made it all the way through.

She breaks the silence, talking about her plans for the future. It’s a subject I tread lightly. I never knew someone’s happiness at freedom could cause me this much pain. But I smile as I listen to her, her face lit up at the thought of taking off for L.A. as soon as possible. If it were up to her, I believe the moment her name is called Graduation day, she would grab the diploma and the next flight out to California in the same movement. I’ll be right there watching, happy for her, proud of her, as she prepares to leave me behind.

When she leaves, which she will, she’ll wait for me to say good-bye.

But I already have.

I never even said hello.

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