Sapphic Voices General Fiction

A Hug At The Right Time

She shook her head and sighed. Things just weren’t going smoothly at all right now. Her mind was a jumble of confused and confusing thoughts. There was not much she could do but ride the stream of racing thoughts and hope they took her to where she could eventually regain control of her mind.

Beatrice looked at her with a mixture of sympathy and annoyance. She knew it wasn’t Karen’s fault that she got this way, but it was tough to have to put up with it when it happened.

“I wish there was something I could do for you.” Beatrice said in sympathy to Karen.

“So do I, I wish you could go in there and turn off all these thoughts that are besieging my brain. If only there was a way for you to quiet the cacophony in my head.” Karen said.

“Have you tried listening to music, trying to get into the song to distract yourself?” Beatrice asked.

“Yeah, it worked for a minute, then the music started me thinking of other things, and off they went.”

“Maybe if we go for a walk?” Beatrice suggested.

“That is a capitol idea, give me a few minutes to get ready and we shall go.”

Beatrice also got ready to go, and by the time she was ready Karen was at the front door pulling on her shoes.

“Let’s go left this time, to the park.” Karen said in an almost jubilant voice.

“You don’t want to stop at the store and get a soda?”

“Nah, they just make me fatter than I already am. The doctor wants me to watch my weight because of the meds I am taking.” Karen said.

“Okay then, let’s go.”

They locked the door after them and walked together towards the park. A companionable silence surrounded them as they walked.

Soon they were at the park and walking along the pathways among the trees.

“Look at the squirrels play, they seem so carefree and unworried about anything.” Karen said breaking the silence.

“That is because we don’t have a big dog with us, the poor things sit in the trees squawking when there is a dog around.”

“They also do that when the cats are around. I guess their life isn’t as carefree as I imagine.”

“Nothing is lately. Life is just getting harder for you it seems.” Beatrice began as they sat on a park bench.

“It is the nature of the illness I have. There will be times where I just don’t feel like getting out of bed, and other times that I just can’t sit still.”

“Don’t the meds help?”

“They can only do so much, I am still going to have episodes of depression and mania, though they won’t be as intense as without the meds. The drugs kind of smooth out the ups and downs, making them, livable, endurable for the time being.”

“It is just when you get this way, there is nothing that I can do to help you, I feel so frustrated not being able to do anything.”

“But you do help, just by being there and not getting all judgmental and harsh with me when the brain chemicals get out of whack. Just having someone who understands at least somewhat of what I am going through and I can talk to about it is the greatest help anyone could give.”

“Well I am glad I can do something, I mean when you start bouncing off the walls I feel so useless.”

“With the exception of the racing thoughts, the mania is the easiest to take, I just have to make certain I don’t spend money I don’t have. That is where you save me, by bringing some form of reality to my life at those times.”

“That’s me, little miss reality.”

“It is also a help when the depression hits. You show me that life isn’t quite as bad as I think it is, and give me the strength to go on.”

“Where are you now?” Beatrice asked.

“I think I am having a little mania. I feel up and good, with the exception of the thoughts zigzagging through my brain.”

“But you also get the racing thoughts when you are depressed don’t you?”

“Yeah I can get them no matter which way I am going at the time, they are worse when I am depressed, because then I get into an negative cycle.” Karen said.

“How do you mean?”

“Well, I am unable to do anything, and I start thinking about all the things I need or want to get done, and I get a negative voice going inside my head that keeps telling me that I am lazy or just plain no good.”

“Yeah I have heard you muttering to yourself when that happens. You seem to be having an argument with yourself, and you’re not always winning it.” Beatrice said.

“Yeah, that is usually when I end up in bed staring at the ceiling trying not to think or feel anything.” Beatrice reached over and gave Karen’s hand a squeeze.

She took the hand and held it for a time. Karen leaned over and put her head on Beatrice’s shoulder. Beatrice put her arms around her. The two sat in an embrace on the park bench for a time.

A man walked by and gave them one of those stares that radiated disapproval. Beatrice almost said something, but decided she would keep quiet for the sake of Karen, no use starting a scene when her partner was feeling out of sorts.

Karen sighed and sat up though she kept a hold of Beatrice’s hand. She looked at Beatrice with a wan smile and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

“Thanks, a hug at the right time is the best medicine there is.”

“How’s your head?” Beatrice asked.

“Still muddled, though this seemed to have helped a bit. I am getting some clear and cogent thoughts to go along with the muddle.” Karen said smiling a little.

“Well then I guess we should start back.” Beatrice said.

“Sure thing.” Karen said as they arose, hand in hand and left the park.

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