Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Wake-Up

Are you one of those people who need a big clue to figure out your own feelings? If you are, you might try listening to the music. I hear a good slow ballad by Sarah McLachlan; a desperate Melissa sings about angels, and all I can think of is her. I knew it, I just avoided it. I’ve always been a champion at compartmentalizing, taking those emotions I don’t want to deal with and shutting them away. Only when you never take the time to examine the dark places, it’s more like complete
suppression.


Guess I should begin at the beginning…I’d chosen my path, and I didn’t want to break a promise, mess things up. God help me, I even sort of knew before I’d gotten married. But how in the hell would that have worked? Umm, fiancé? Well, see, I’ve got this crush on a sixteen year old. Girl. So maybe it’s not such a hot idea to get married?…


Yeah. Well, honesty would’ve saved me a lot more trouble down the road. But you never see that stuff when you’re in the moment. My current events glasses are coke bottle thick. It’s a dangerous thing, a woman wandering around who is so disconnected from her own feelings. For guys, it’s not so much of a problem. Everyone expects them to be insensitive jerks. But women, we’re supposed to be in touch with our emotions, right? Hah. Mine grab me at the most inopportune times. “Hey you, yeah, I can see you’re getting busy, and she’s hot, but umm, she’s not the one you want…” dammit.


Don’t you think you’d remember this stuff? Okay, let’s talk about making the same mistake over and over again. Yeah, that one, where you get into a relationship because you WANT so bad to have that connection, that caring, that understanding and love and lust and holding. And you make a choice, and find a suitable partner, and you just can’t force it. Wanting and wishing won’t make you love someone.


Notice the key there—suitable. Desirable. Not worth a damn if they’re not the one you desire. I thought I learned that one, but how did I deal when presented again with the lesson? Oh, let’s keep the freaking status quo. Go along with things. You should do what you’re supposed to do. And the result? You create these relationships devoid of real communication, because you’re not being honest. You’re playing a part you know all too well, formed over fifteen year of habit. Why is that? Is it being afraid of change? Is it because you still think it might happen? All might work out well in your carefully controlled environment, and you will fall in love?

Fool.


So here I am. It sucks that I can’t control my heart. Even my brain doesn’t pay as much attention to what I want, anymore, ever since I started kissing women. And the current situation isn’t helping me any. How in the hell is this supposed to teach me any lessons? It finally gets through my thick skull—YOU’RE CRAZY ABOUT HER—and I spin around, creating chaos in everything I touch, oblivious to pretty much everything except two thoughts--I’m so stupid for not seeing this before and I want to be with her. And then she runs from me. Tells me she’ll always love me and peels out of the parking lot. Oh, ouch. I still can’t touch that one, it hurt so bad. So, what’s the lesson here? Be true to your heart, and someone else won’t be true to theirs and you’ll wind up writing hot tears in a journal about it for two years? Nice. Sounds like positive reinforcement to me. Remind me again how I’m supposed to learn anything from this?


Hell. I don’t know how to get over her. And I’m afraid that I never will, and I’ll always be looking for that, for her, and its not going to happen. Stuck. I just feel stuck in this place, where I’ve unconsciously given my heart away and there’s no getting it back, hell, I don’t even want it back I just want her. How’s that for a three-year-olds tantrum for you? On top of immaturity, I’d have to add stupid to my list of qualities. Is it really smart to want someone who ignores you, who after six years of friendship won’t even communicate with you? Hmmn. Life goes on, right? Learning experiences suck.

If you have enjoyed Rio's "Wake-Up", then please be certain to e-mail her at  Rio6831[at]aol.com  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of Rio's  Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.