Sapphic Voices General Fiction

Love May Withstand Anything?

How did I get to be here? So very much in love, but feeling at the same time total anguish over take my very soul. I love her, and because I do, I have to let her go, here is my story of another failed romance.

I remember the first time I found that I liked her. Believing she was straight and would never like someone such as me, I gave up on that dream. Her eyes a mixture of blue and green, our favourite colours combined; the colour of the sky and the earth meshed together to make one. I developed a crush.

The year I first got to know her was when we were in year 11; down and lonely after breaking up with a cheater, I first saw Stephanie in history class. She had apparently walked in a dropped her water bottle. I wasn’t in that class very long, because I didn’t want to do it; But I do remember clear as day this beauty dropping her water bottle then getting all embarrassed. I remember this because my pulse rushed when she walked into the room. I know some don’t believe in love at first sight, but I guess this is what it feels like, so I am a believer. At that moment, I was not aware of that passion, but I was aware of that attraction. I remember going home that night and day dreaming about talking to this green eyed beauty.

Before we get to that part, I have to first start at my beginning so you understand where I had come from. This is my story and I am sure all can relate to it in some way or another. It all started when I was way back in year 7; at least five years ago. I was young and bright and still had long brown hair. I first realised that I was gay, developing this crush on this girl called Kate. After having many crushes on girls in the past I had thought nothing of it until I hit high school; when I found out what the word faggot meant.

There was this girl called Shanae, queen bitch, every one of my friends worshiped her as if she was some sort of god. She always stole my best friends, ever since I was in first grade. Toni and Cori were my best friends from grade four till year eight. Practically inseparable, we all thought we would stay best friends forever; I even have it written in a book somewhere. If only back then I knew what I do now, then everything would be different. If only Shanae hadn’t come in to our lives.

My crush on Kate all started with the simple words “could I please borrow your eraser?” With a friendly smile, I soon became friends with Kate. Talking to her in class, I introduced her to Toni, and Kate introduced us to Humira (or HQ Head quarters) we soon all became friends; until things then started getting sticky.

At the end of year seven Kate became distant and decided that she was going to move out of our class to be with her other best friends. Toni and I didn’t really like that; being very childish and stupid, which started a fight and resulted in Kate moving class and ignoring us. This was the very beginning of my depression. After a year of having a crush on Kate, and now she was ignoring me, I become sad.

I spiralled down into my ‘hermit’ phase, not going out with friends, staying home instead to watch movies, draw and play video games. There was a while there which I did not talk much at all; I soon became the shy and weird one of the group.

Shanae and Kristy (her best friend at the time) I allowed to walk all over me and use me as an emotional door mat. I was a mess, and every time I tried to pull myself up again, I would be greeted with nasty rumours and constant back stabbing. I didn’t want to fight, so every day I went to school, braving the day not knowing if I would come home crying or not.

After Kate left, Toni and I become quite obsessive over getting Kate’s attention. Toni leading, we would always leave notes for Kate to come and talk to us; Resulting in HQ running to the toilets and crying which I felt so horrible for. Still every minute of my school life I was being trampled on and used as a door mat for Shanae, Kristy and Toni. I went along with it, because I was scared.

Year seven was a bad year, Year eight even worse; probably the worst time of my life so far. It started with Shanae and Kristy and Emma (another of Shanae’s best friends) All hating us because we made HQ cry. Nearly every single day me Toni and the ‘Bitch brigade’ were up in the welfare office, having group counselling sessions; Poor Mr. Cox had to deal with it all, poor Bloke.

Bitchyness, backstabbing, hatred and fights all took its toll on me. As at that time I was on my brown belt in Karate I had the control not to start a fist fight. I was afraid that if any fights broke out I would be the bad guy because I could of really hurt one of them. But weekly Karate training did not take all the hurt and frustration I was feeling inside. That’s when I started hurting myself.

It started one day in class when I was really down. I took out my drawing compass, and made a tiny scratch on my hand. As the days passed turning into weeks, Kristy Shanae and Emma started hating Toni and I, following us, teasing, threatening and calling us hurtful things, I soon totally forgot about Kate, she was my past, and I had found interest in my best friend Toni. Not knowing what she would say or do, I did not confess that I had feelings for her. Weeks passed, feelings grew stronger ( Though I know now what Love actually is) Almost daily visits to Mr. Cox in Wellfare; Shanae stepped it up another notch.

Toni and I couldn’t even go back to our lockers because they were waiting to ‘Bash our heads in’ So me and Toni began to keep our things in the music building. Till they found out where we were hiding, they came as a group, Shanae in the lead, and her army of Skank’s following closely behind. They were calling us horrible names and saying that they just wanted to talk to us. We ran, they chased us to the PE gym then to the canteen. Toni texted her mother, telling her to help us; Toni’s mum then called my mum, and they came up to the school.

“Kaitlyn Douglas and Toni Williams please report to Ms. Sergeant’s office immediately!” That memory of the announcement over the loud speaker at lunch time still makes me panic. I was never a bad kid and being called to the principal’s office was a very scary thing. When we got there we were greeted by two very concerned mothers and a unhappy principal. I was terrified, white as a sheet and sweating, thoughts racing. Ms Sergeants helped to figure things out, resulting once more in many welfare sessions with Mr. Cox. I got so fed up with everything, but still having a crush on Toni, I was so confused.

After one of our meetings, I just snapped at Toni, telling her it was all her fault, and turned my back on her. I saw her only once after that, it was at one final welfare session with just me and her. In the end it all came down to a very hard ultimatum between my best friend or the army of Skanks. To leave or to stay? I guess if I didn’t make the choice I had, I would never of Met Blake and Steph.

I chose to stay at the school, to be one of the Shanae group. I chose them over my best friend. I remember the last time I saw her, she was in the welfare office crying her eyes out. I had never before in my many years of being friends with her I had never seen her cry. The look on her mums face scared me, Almost like I had committed murder.

I didn’t see her for three year after that day. I finished out year eight, only once to have contact with Toni. She text me, saying she had a new best friend Holly, and that she was better than me. “Fuck! Holly and I don’t give a shit! By what everyone has told me nobody ever liked you. Why don’t you just go cut yourself you fucking lesbian?”

This text really affected me, I spiralled deeper into depression; Being kicked about constantly by Shanae and her friends. My cuts were getting deeper and longer, and I was beginning not to feel them at all.

Year nine could not have come at a better time, It brought change to my life. I started to express myself through drawing, mostly comic heroes; superman had been my hope and rock throughout these hard times. I still had not told Shanae and the group I was gay, so instead I told her I had a crush on a boy to keep my slate clean. This boy I “liked”, was called Blake Fiegert, he was the new and handsome boy from Adelaide. Valentine’s day came around and Shanae set me and Blake up, we soon began to ‘go out’.

Sitting together at lunch, Shanae forced us to hold hands, so we did while she was looking, and dropped it when she looked away. Finally, Blake broke the ice, and just told me straight out, “Im Sorry Kait, but I am Gay.” I could not of been more relieved. I found a new best friend, who was amazing and was gay like me. Blake gave me hope and strength and the will to carry on. When he came out to the whole year level, that's when Shanae began to really hate him. He was my best friend and I was not allowed to hang out with him as Shanae did not like gays. So I was friends with him secretly.

Year 10 came around, I was still down, being controlled by Shanae. Every day I had to listen to her and others bull shit and fights. Halfway through I got sick of it, And finally made a decision to hang out with Blake and his own group of friends. There was Daisy, a new girl from Loretto; Becca who came from Queensland; And then there was Steph. Steph was and still is such a beautiful girl. She had blonde hair back then and has amazing pale skin. I developed a crush.

If you have enjoyed Kaitlyn Douglas' "Love May Withstand Anything?", then please be certain to  Contact The Writer  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here to continue on to  "Love May Withstand Anything? - Part 2"

Click here for a list of all of Kaitlyn Douglas' Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.