She was born in the form of a flame
and with her she carried the timeless echoes
of distant thunder and rain
and I stood and watched her
and trembled with love
I saw egrets take flight
in a flurry of white against a hillside blanketed by fog
that came crashing over cliffs and rocky crevices
and there she stood in the moonlight glow
an illumination of power that siezed my soul
and in the morn when I awakened
surrounded by the peaceful pastoral existence
where sunlight reflected on quiet waters
a warm and affectionate union took place
and all at once I felt myself dancing
wonderous in the hope that I would soar again.
Centered in my sleeping dream awaiting the voices from within
I call to you but you seem to answer not...are you here at all
or is this the memory of time watered moments...
The room is scented with lavender and Japanese Heather
a glow that lingers long after ...and I wonder again if you were here
and why did you leave when it was so wet...
Oft times I hear your laughter, the cackling sounds that leave your lips
clutching our sides...holding onto this enamored longing
and trying to hold what isn't mine to keep
I've cried in your arms screaming the questions that separate us
only to awaken ...and I find myself jogging my mind
wondering if you were here at all...
I know when the dark creeps in and leaves me so alone
I touch myself deep inside and rock to the wind chimes that hang
only wishing you could be here and do the same...for me.
Sometimes she is like the smoldering end of a match
the way she touches me
and ignites such fire
such an illumination that bares me deep
I feel a pulsing inside of me that burns
and beckons with every breath
...thirsting for her every word.
It's not the love that dies when one's partner ceases to exist
But moreso the skin falls short of breath
And time stands still for thirst
And I am left with scars...they bleed but it's a dry bleed
No more self pity...i don't look well in it
And laughter needs to share itself one more time
I want to hold my sides for fear of bursting apart
And look to see her smile even if it's only a memory
I seem to be lost...there is no horizon to this damaged mind
And I cant even begin to worship...was never my style
But when she left with her she took my soul
I'm anguished and I'm mortal
And yet in some ways I'm whole
There is a longing inside of me
That grows with every thought
A loneliness that bares no redemption
But a forgiveness that blinds each tear
And each rip that leaves me open.
She speaks of relativity and dances to the unknown moon
drinking strawberry wine
and telling me she knows the difference between aging
and plain old fermentation
and when she laughs...it tears me up inside
like wind rushing thru a tunnel
She is evil in her own right and a stranger among thieves
sometimes I cry out to her,
she will look my way and then keep going
coz after all she is the one with the power or so she says
and I let her believe that
She speaks of gods that once lived in the hearts of mortal beings
and fear was known to all that embraced such...
she speaks of the ways of the wiccan
but I don't think she knows,
but I give her that much
for after all she is some kind of power that I can't seem to shake
and I wait for her down by the creek when the moon is full
and pride sets itself somewhere
far off howling in the distance
like it had no soul...no beginning....
what I lack in substance, I make up in design
and lead her to believe in me as well as she.
Earth womyn
as the leather wraps
tightly against the dream
you hold yourself
wet
desirous
and so real
Wish womyn
as the leather clings
sweetly against your thighs
you rock yourself
gently
fever
and so near.
I lapse into a nothingness
bridged by the cool night air
picking up a time worn pebble
I hold it firmly...
not wanting to let go
but knowing the release will free me
maybe free my soul
and I throw it
smooth side down
to skip across
the ebony glass surface
of the quiet waters
My feet still buried ankle deep
in the cool sand.
I've sat here for hours
it seems
tho only minutes
I cant fight the tears when they fall
feeling them as a cleansing
...shaking my head and wondering
how could they hurt me so?
The physical is nothing
compared to this inner anguish
The numbing against the crash of waves
seems light
and I dig deeper
trying to hide away
and wishing I was that stone that had found its way.
it was funny the way she run all the way home
snivelin and choking back words
that never meant more than she could spit out at one time
she had laughed once and said I was as much a boy
as any she had known
but i was a girl and that confused her a whole bunch
still, she had kissed me,
and then i reckon she had to make sumpin up
to hide her pride or whatever else is holding her back
she used to date that football boy
mostly coz he had a big ol' truck and could take her places
but she says she don like 'im much
hows i to know if she do or she don
seems like she never make up her mind
its like this...i went and got me some wine
cork and all and even picked wild flowers
coz I know girls be liking that sort of thing
and she turn all red when she see me comin up the drive
and she run down to meet me smilin and reddin up again
we wuz like two puppies the way we wuz wresslin about
she pinched me and i don chase her
she let me catch her and then she stumbled and fell to the ground
and I fell right ontop of her
she laughed again...and it was fairy like
almost heard little music around me
must be teched in my head
my daddy would have called me crazy...
well and I might be as folks say
but whats so wrong
with loving a girl if yous a girl
i cants help myself
I never take to any boy like I did with her
maybe only kissed one boy my whole life
and it never did nothin to me
nothin like electricty...nothing like when I kissed her
that was some kind of power
and she kissed me back and slid her tongue into my mouth
and o my...I got all sweaty and my heart beat so fast
i saw that she don closed her eyes and I asked her why
and she told me to shut up and hold her close
and them flowers got all smooshed up between us
but it didnt seem to matter...coz i held her close
and then we heard the sounds of them boys on their bikes
coming down the drive
and she righted herself and fixed her dress
and ran to the house almost screaming
but it might have ben laughter
i know she didnt want anyone to see
and i had to wonder to myself
what was so wrong about the way she felt
or the way I knelt
down in front of her and held her close to me
I tried to tell my brother Petey,
but he looked at me and weird is how it was
he said folks dont cotton to queers
and I should be careful who i told that stuff to
so I dont tell....and she stays in her room
and looks out the window
she smiles but she wont come down and see
she wont kiss me like that day on the drive
and still i never meet anyone like her
no one ever did to me what that girl did
sometimes i see her in school walking
with her other friends
she will look my way
and then whisper to one of them
and then they all start laughing
and i have to wonder...
and then i dont...its plain to see
she has herself another girl
one society will accept
I guess
coz no ones laughin at them
just laughing at me...
its them critters agin makin all dat noise
cant sleep and cant awaken clearly enuff
to get out and do anything
so I jus' make do laying here
tossin and turning
surely moreso then anyone in their graves
and I just a kid wit' no ambition
jus wantin to sip lemonade down by the crik
and watch the girl come there and skinny dip
thinkin nobody is around...just me
sneaking up real close to see her titties
o yea my mama would whip me sumpin bad
just to know where I been and whats I been doin
she told me once before that i was evil
for ever wantin to look at naked bodies
especially girls...it jus wasnt right
she quoted the big book alot
but i never pay it no mind
written by men was all
and they lie...my daddy lie all the time
and my brother, he lie too
jus to get his way
so i put no stock in any book written by men
or fo' that matter, anything my mama believe in
o dont get me wrong, i still loves her
its just that she dont know much
past this holler...she never been anywhere
she tells us kids that this gods country
and no reason to go off anywheres
but i knows that somewhere out there
\there is a life for me
I aint gonna work in no mine
nor in some mill where all u do
is breathe the harshness of what they offering
I knows that there is a beach somewhere
where the air is salty and the wind blows soft
i read it in a book about whales and such
i reckon im going be a sailor or maybe a pirate
just a sailin away on the tides breath
yea thats what im gonna be
someday im gonna travel
away from this isolated place
my mama calls it the paradise of the south
but i calls it hell on earth
the boys they come and tease me alot
about the fact that my chest is flat
and the way i cuts my hair so short
shorter than all my brothers
i tells them to shut up and mind their own business
but what business do they have after all
its just simple minds with simple thoughts
they never knowing what else is out there
they never caring anyway
just to mess with me....
I wonder to myself at times
whats gonna become of my mama
when i leave and then i gets scared
coz i dont want my daddy beating on her anymore
i done told him the last time that i would kill him
if he laid a hand on her again
she told me it was gods will that daddy protect her
and thats what she called protectin
still i don care, id just as soon take my knife and
slit his throat to keep him from lying and protecting her
he goes out drinking with his working buddies
sometimes we don see him for days on end
that dont bother me much, but she
she worries that something evil might have befallen him
and i hope and i pray that somethin did
and then that bastard comes home
and starts with his fist...in a drunken rage
claiming somebody was in his stuff
like he had anything to rifle thru
my brothers are too big for him to wallop
and i runs too fast for his lumbering size
but mama, she is old and she is tired
so shes his victim everytime he comes home
but i swear i will kill him cold if he hurts her some
she sees it in my eyes and i think it scares her some
but i know he scares her worse
once he broke her nose and told the people down at the clinic
that she tripped over the pipes in the basement
i dont think they believed him much
they shook their heads in wonderment
knowing she had been there before with a broken arm
and a broken collarbone, each time making out
she was clumsy, and us kids had to just be quiet
coz we were younger then, and he would hurt us too
just to look at us...i always thought he had wished us
stillborn...and wondered why he ever touched her that way
if he didnt like children....or maybe he just didnt like us
my mamas hair was flecked with grey
it once had been brown with red in it
especially when the sun was shining
it seemd to glow irridescent
now it was dull like the smile on her face
it lacked the luster of her youth
the intensity of her experience seemed to darken
what was once pure and carefree
its like she is a diminished womyn
someday i would like to take her away with me
sail upon the bluest waters and let her read by moonlight
i would show her the wonders of a world outside this
forsaken dirtbowl
yea i would take her away
but she says she will never leave him, he would find her anyways
i read alot, it takes me places out of this holler
it lets me dream, fanciful desires, but makes me smile nonetheless
and anything that covers up the realities of being attached
to this family makes me feel like someday i might
just get my chance...and i might have to leave...my mama
but someday ...is a long way off
so in the mean time im goin down to the crik
to watch that girl come skinny dippin
i knows she knows that im there
coz sometimes she floats on her back
with one eye open, like she is waiting for me
that girl is as crazy as me
maybe she will leave with me someday.
I pulled anchor and brought the sails up
and slowly motored out of the harbor
birds flew overhead
squawking and flapping
I paced the narrow walkways
the inner workings of my mind
and you were there
everpresent
(don't you know you will always be in my heart)
The sails billowed tall
as I headed under the bridge
a million cars zoomed by overhead
just a single thought
of you
and I fly with the wind....you make me soar
the water splashes and rocks freely against the hull
each crashing beat the tempo of my heart racing.
specials that come and go with
the blink of an eye in some late night
diner where the kids flock and smoke
til dawn
where the age of innocence is gone
before the next cup of java
why do we wait for those not returning
what blasphemy chides the annointed
what cursings ramble in the hideous dark
Ive sat with writers block for days
that soon turns to weeks, what happened to the hour
of discontent, the schmoozings of strangers
if I sit alone long enough do I become my own audience
am I what i ridicule because I cant think
or stop thinking about what I havent written
I told them this time there would be no sex
and they cried out to me why not, its what
they want and nothing else seems to matter
no creative mind, no sinister wisdom
in black and white with legs sprawled
she comes and I came inside of her longing
no, it didnt feel right but she does
and if I could only touch
what my mind wants to feel
then I might be able to write something better
than all this flava....pap for the masses.
If you have enjoyed Carol Marie's Poetry, then please be certain to e-mail her at carybehr[at]comcast.net and thank her for posting her Work.
Click here for a list of all of Carol Marie's Stories and Poetry at Sapphic Voices Authoresses.
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