In the coffee shop, I guard my place in the corner,
My little women's only space, warm coffee by my side,
Tapping beats out on the arm of my chair, just to
Convince myself that I'm safe here, inside outside.
From the corner of my eye, I see you standing talking,
Chatting to a man, your body center-stage full-frame
I wonder if he's a stranger? Just a friend? But then
I sigh silently as I sense your boy-girl interplay.
I watch how you enrapt the drooling man beside you,
I see the way your sexy walk captures his gaze;
I cock my head to the side, take an adoring glimpse
Of your Nature through my Stealthed, lust-slick haze.
Out of impulse, I reach beneath my table to touch
What isn't there and time freezes as if cornered
By the secret truth of my body... one which pales
By comparison to the truths you have surrendered.
I know how those boy-girl games work, I understand
The little games boys play, and I know how easy
It will be to get caught in your predator's web
When that hollow love he gives is all you see.
You walk away, leaving my heart inside my throat,
I watch the male gazes follow the luscious whore.
I feel where you are going, know where that road
may lead... oh baby, what are you settling for?
So I watch the last of your sylph-like movements,
As you head out the door so wasted on just a boy;
'Sexual predator,' you can read it in his eyes
If you see, as I see, that he views you as his toy.
But you don't see because you are drinking him in,
Lapping up his maleness like a love-starved kitten,
Thinking that he likes you for more than your
Beautiful cunt... here's me, sat here, now smitten.
Perhaps there's someone special beyond your sight?
Someone you can't see, someone not-me, out there;
Whose energy will synchronize with yours, a girl
With your name wetly slicked 'cross her underwear?
Someone who would transport you from the spineless
Thing so adored by you, to know you, show you depth
And safety that this man never could? But I know
The score, feel your body's need for his breath...
...so I, sexual outcast, wish you well.
These piercings of mine you see
Are the new-age definition of me
Their predicates are myself, their
Home is my face, their presence is
Safety and security
That I cannot yet maintain alone
Three tiny, slender titanium shafts
Piercing cleanly through the flesh
Of me, delineating my body space to
Support delicately
The boundaries I possessed, the
Purse-strings to my body which,
Once patent long ago, were soon
Stormed, broken into then torn
Aside, lost. Now
These three little titanium rods,
Whose 4mm spheres determine where
They end, where I end and you
Begin, where we start and they
Stop have become
Surrogate boundaries, tactile marks
Which indicate to me my ownership
Of this body which is mine, a fact
That can be easy to forget when my
Body remembers touch
You look at them, I know, and you
Wonder why they are there; perhaps
You think I defaced my own temple,
But you haven't seen the scars that
Unface my flesh
My body was their battlefield, the
Scars are my legacy, their presence
Define me in other's eyes in ways
I have no control over, like the
Boundary violations did
Three little pieces of titanium;
One adorns my tongue, one adorns
My lower lip, the third strikes
Through my right cheek, all say
"I own me"
In ways that my fragile sense of
Where you end and I begin can't
Yet put into intuitive words which
Are all that matter when it's you
Touching my fears
At night, when darkness precludes
Vision, and my boundary lack snaps
Into crystal clarity, I can feel
My little titanium safeguards there
Right through me
And I know with utmost certainty that
The reassurance and comfort I often
Cannot muster from myself is there,
In my new boundaries, and that these
Really are mine
So before you withdraw your warm
Fingers from my face, or your sweet
Lips from my touch-sore own, please
Love my three bridges as you tried not
To love me
I close my eyes to the world outside
Caught between two scenes
The one unutterable
The next unseen
Drifting away to nowhere's nowhen
Away from your sighs
Feeling numb save for my own
Crystal-cut cries
Refractive lens of innocence stripped
Heartbroke, hurt consciousness slips
Through secret cracks, my own design
Safe for then until sweetness resigns
I leak out through this body of mine
Find solace in two dreams
The one torn away
None since redeemed
Running back through the numbness
No Goddess can breach
Secret spaces, silent places, all
Draining my heat
Scratching my nails down your skin's walls
Yet pacing the atria of abuse's rank halls
Half-caste reworking of Nature's Grand Plan
Love me, but don't see how sorry I am
You touch through this wet shell
It bleeds two sensations
One, violation
Two, desecration
Further retracting from your touch
Into melting shame's mire
Drowning in the abstract of my
Frozen desire
Shattered glass in time-twisted frame
Broken jar of dreams, fear-spiked pain
Body responding as he broke it to do
Eyes glazing so you can't see through
I live these moments trapped between
Ever yearning for something
A moment of happiness
That solace can bring
I want to run from the wreckage
Of things I cannot
To the arms of salving numbness
Love's greatest cost
I break back into flesh made of stone
Sweet aches subdued in a sea of alone
There are no swan songs sang to heal
Pain you don't yet know how to feel
You don't know... or do you?
How, when we whisper to each other
In the semi-darkness of our communal
Hallway. your beautiful body softly
Silhouetted by the light streaming
From your open door, me out here
In the darkness of this hallway,
Dressed in the blackness that I feel...
...how, as we lean a little bit closer
To share thoughts on some topic we
Don't wish to be overheard, your
Face is full-framed, your eyes are
Glinting in the half light, and my
My heart skips two beats.
Maybe you know... or not?
This beautiful freak you befriended.
The androgynous boy-girl half-caste
Leather dyke of me, with my scars and
five years of loveless aloneliness
That I never mention to you, this
Impossible, impenetrable, lost woman
With a rich palette of thousand-yard
Stares, silences and an overwhelming
Need to give to you... how I sometimes
Sit outside, while waiting for a cab
To take me to some bleak place, and
Look at your bedroom window, yearning
For you like I could never say?
Have you guessed... no?
I am trapped between where I came
From and where I'm going, wandering
And wondering day by heartless day;
I come visit you, love, but do you
Know how I agonize for hours before
Knocking on your big blue door? How
I never fail to pretty myself up even
Though you, declared boy-lover that
You are, display disinterest in me,
My particular blend of what is female
And that which can look masculine in
The right light? Do you know how it
Hurts to see you walk away?
You don't know... or do you?
How, each time a boy so beloved of
You ditches you and leaves you to
The particulate dust of aloneness,
How I wish I could remove your pain?
You don't know it, though; you only
Understand that I am here for you,
My friend, that I will bend for you,
That I will not break when you need
A shoulder upon which to cry the
Accumulating heartache of loss away
From you; you only know that I care
For you, that I love you for just
The adorable woman you are.
Do you see? Or not?
When I am there to help you pick up
The pieces of you, all your last boy
Fling left, as much as I can, how
These semi-frozen deep blue eyes of
Mine... one of your favorite colors...
...How the ice thaws as your voice
Begins to tremble, how the features
Of this face of mine... with its bone-
Deep androgynicity that intrigues
You so much, so female yet so very
Unfeminine... how my bones shift in
Synchrony with your pain?
Do you wonder? Or not?
Why I stay a safe distance away from
Your body while we talk, and laugh,
And confess our sins as we blur our
Consciousness together, like I often
Wish we could blur lips and bodies and
Juices? Do you see why my expression
Tumults into confusion when I see you
In pain, feeling the tithe you paid for
His hurt? Have you ever wondered why I
Fear the moment, somewhen in unknown
Future, when you are crying in my arms
Because you can't cope with rejection
From boys any longer?
I can feel you haven't
Guessed yet, love, how I watch you
From afar with all of my senses, how
I sometimes imagine that its your own
Fingers touching me, playing me,
Teasing, working, pushing me, making
My body grow wings and take flight
After a hard day's day, when all I can
Think of is how much I need to come the
Loneliness of this shamed unrequitement
Away, my imagination rattling in its
Cage even while the tears of all the
Things I never say begin to burn down
My shame-flushed cheeks?
But you don't know, darling
That I always wished we could be
More than this half-full glass our
Friendship sometimes feels, to me,
As we chat together and connect
Through each other's lives in the
Cold, harsh semi-darkness of our
Communal hallway, late at night.
You don't know that this beautiful
Freak... the power-dressed, midnight
Bitch I am... has something special
You might like to see. I wish we
Were more than we are, I wish we
Could love each other.
Would you like to watch my body?
I remember the sexiest night I spent at G.L.O.W.,
One that was hurtful in ways I can never show.
That GLBT club was the place we all used to go
So we could be 'out' where no-one would know.
Do you remember the woman in skintight black?
The girl wearing shades who moved like a cat?
Her full-length kid leather jacket flaring
Behind her as she moved, how you were staring?
I saw you gazing at my breasts.
Remember she who slithered across the dance floor
To nibble your red-slicked lips, make them sore?
Remember how she threw her midnight jacket for you
To hold as music hit the floor she could dance to?
Remember how she lowered her shades to her nose tip?
So she could watch you watching her dance floor hit?
One-two step, twister, shoulder-roll then wriggle,
Leg up, spin round, arm snake over hips, jiggle.
Feel my body flirt with your cunt.
Stiletto heels clicking time on the wooden floor,
Making love with her body to your hazel eyes, sore.
How this Midnight Temptress entrapped your gaze,
Even as she span bodily through the dry-ice haze?
Every move her limbs made pooled sexual energy;
The dance progressed, the girls grew to frenzy.
Remember how the other dancers moved aside to let
Miss Midnight grind out her body's best moves yet?
See me, Stealthed cat in her element.
Remember how the music now became really unfun?
Your Temptress wound down, bored with this one;
How she pushed her shades back up onto her face,
Glided over to you, smiled with her knowing face?
I remember this, because your Temptress was me,
My dance for you, moments where I flew free.
I danced for you, you knew it and you loved it...
...I'm sorry your Dark Angel is an unsexed misfit.
You can look, but no touching.
I remember when we kissed again, your open lips
Wetted so sweet, your hands burnt my little hips
Rubbing, exploring each other's beautiful racks
One girl in Summer clothes, the other in black
Jaw-to-toe Lycra. Remember how we went outside
To continue our secret explorations? I sigh,
You place your clammy palm between my thighs,
I rub 'gainst your hand with what Lycra hides.
Please try not to love me.
Remember how I inched away, my lips saying "No"
But my body language howling "yes"? Do you know
How much leaving you alone, all wet and hungry
Burnt shame deeper into my heart than I could see?
Remember how I left your body heat's wet lair?
Bleeding into the dark as if I wasn't ever there?
My shades in one gloved hand, open-gazed afraid...
...For want of your love, Stealth I nearly paid.
I'm so sorry... please understand...
You know, as I walked back from threat of hate
I had to force myself to leave, to go, escape.
My body never was all you wanted, for my sin
We were a bomb, and I feared your firing pin.
Lacking what you needed, to save your confusion
I left then, so you could love my real illusion
Of a catlike dancer whose body melted the floor...
...Temptress turns, cries nakedly, opens the door.
I'm not here... you can feel now...
Sometimes, when seen through mirrored glass,
My beautifully androgynous face will shift,
Distorting my angularly soft countenance --
This girl face of which boy is just a hint --
Into something quite the opposite; the
Coin flips over once again, and I am lost
Within third spaces between he and she,
My veins pulsing through with liquid frost.
My plated glass of understanding smashes
As I meet a strange thing's haunted gaze;
My sense of security groundward crashes
As torches of memory disperse my haze.
Bewildered and alone, I reach out to touch
My safe fingertips against the macabre
Fleshhewn refraction I loathe so much...
...androgynicity, Nature's dread facadé.
I remember a time before my soft sands
Of cartilage became weathered to stone,
Before puberty waved its Demon's hands
And broke my frame from skin through bone,
How I watched my sculpture all go wrong.
Ten years of seeing softness deprecated
From girlhood, bones disintegrating from
'Girl' to 'it' as my body slowly devaluated.
So I gaze at the boy/girl who has my eyes,
Its cheek and lip pierced just like my own,
Its flesh creased with my own fine lines.
Silently, hiddenly, my heart begins to moan.
Crying for how, at night, this girl would pray
That by morning her body would be healed;
A child's lost innocence hoping day after day
Until puberty's end, when her bones annealed.
I have paid the tithe of precious body to Nature;
This body, to its bones, is forever partway lost.
Here I stand, beautiful androgynous creature,
Crossed thrice with a burden of Nature's cost.
I walk each day, arm linked through resignation,
This woman whose blood drips some darker red,
All too aware of secret's fleshbound desecration
Whenever I look in the mirror to study my head.
If you have enjoyed Deb Siygess' Poetry, then please be certain to e-mail her at debsiygess[at]hotmail.com and thank her for posting her Work.
Click here for a list of all of Deb Siygess' Stories and Poetry at Sapphic Voices Authoresses.
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