She can't accept the real me,
she tries to keep me chained in her shadow,
I used to cower in her darkness,
suffocating in a pool of silence and suppression.
I grew up walking behind her,
assimilating,
wearing an expressionless mask,
a shapeless black uniform...
conform child, conform.
They can't accept the real me,
they try to teach me that I don't 'fit in',
I used to believe them as I would the Bible's word,
spinning mindlessly in a punctuated void,
shackled by bonds of fear which time rusted solid,
wanting to free myself from the hetero link,
hopelessly attracted to my own gender,
I came out in fear,
silenced by the screams of a homophobic world...
"leave this house, there's no place for you here."
There came a day when I stopped walking,
and as they kept on their journey,
their shadow no longer kept me in darkness.
I ripped off my black cloak, my uniform,
and I blinded the world with my colours,
I screamed out with joy and freedom,
and for the first time I enjoyed a dance,
I had choreographed it all my life,
and I spread out my wings
and embraced the goddess that I am
beneath the brightest rainbow you ever did see.
It was an indescribable energy that afternoon,
as you walked in an aura of solemnity,
carrying your suitcase of the day's troubles
wanting to find a peace that is absent from your life
wanting to find a meaning behind the hurt,
a label for the feelings that you can't articulate.
I stood there questioning in silence,
as you walked out of the sunlight
and sat down in the afternoon's shadows.
Your face said 'leave me in peace',
your lips said 'I want to be silent',
your eyes said 'I want to cry without fear',
your heart said 'I want to love you with no barriers',
your body said 'I am scared to need you'.
As you traveled to the bedroom,
I could see your body weaken,
ready to collapse,
ready to feel, to cry, to heal.
And I lay there with you
as the bed supported us,
and the worlds weight on your shoulders.
I felt the pain in your heart, mind, soul,
as your tears trickled down my neck,
I felt my own tears struggling to stay within,
our shortened breaths were in tandem
as I cried for you,
as my own hurt seeped its way out.
As we cried the room was filled with sounds,
of pain, disappointment, grief and helplessness,
and as the earth revolved noiselessly,
as the pavements listened to footsteps,
as the city listened to sirens and drunken slurs,
as the neighbours watched the sun go down...
we lay there in a pool of memories,
wrapped in each others silence,
falling quickly in to the land of the dreaming,
ready to wake for a new day,
with yesterday's pain
and tomorrow's hope.
I stand on a pinnacle.
Oh the induced euphoria!
I watch the world though glazed eyes
It’s so easy to fall from here
Oh yes the sensation of the breeze
Of freestyle falling
An unchoreographed dance
No one can hear me scream
So high, so high
No one has to know what I am thinking
Feeling
Dreaming.
I cannot feel you
I tear, I bleed
Who are you
Close the door as you leave.
The silence of the room
Permeated by the beat of the drum
The lack of rhythm astounding
My melody of sorrow
My song of self-pity
And I dance through the night
And into the daybreak
Oblivious is I
Careless is the world
As I continue in a cycle of self-destruction.
If you have enjoyed Jane Nicola Lunt's Poetry, then please be certain to e-mail her at janienico[at]hotmail.com and thank her for posting her Work.
Click here for a list of all of Jane Nicola Lunt's Stories and Poetry at Sapphic Voices Authoresses.
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