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The sun was shining in my eyes today
heading west down Ontario
burning my eyes
thinkin to myself
it hurts so bad to see the sun
I hadn't seen it for so damn long
so damn long
and now the smog has lifted
and fresh air has come
I can do right
I can feel again
IM alive
and I know it
I used to doubt myself
but now I am certain
the sun was always shining.
It was early in the morning
and my bed crashed into the sun
sent a raging fire
to my heart
now all the sparks are gone
I don't know what hit me
or why I went so fast
I ran from you
screw the past
and now the sky's a blackness
a deep canyon in my eyes
and the fire from that morning
burnt away your lies
There was no light at the end of my tunnel
It was a deep dark hole
And as I entered
I scraped my nails on the brick wall
And kicked around some dirt
It was cold
I panicked
I turned around and my past was gone
But my future was black
Desires frozen
Dreams unreal
My heart bled all over the dirt floor
And my thoughts echoed in my head
And I beat on the walls
But you didn't hear
And I wanted out
But you didn't come
So I just stayed there
With icy tears
And my chin tucked to my chest
Holding on to my knees
Waiting for the light.
i could drown in your words
Your fire lights my soul
and all this time i had doubts
i never knew you existed
i poured a bucket of paint
over the sky today
in hopes that i would cover up my hurt
but i all i really needed was you
to open me up
like an unread book
expose me to the world
make me speak
make me question reality
make me think backwards
all i really needed was a push
of the edge of my past.
My wholeness has become my strength
a feather in the wind
catch me if you can
catch me if you can
don't tell me what I already know
my heart isn't as frail as you think
I left my mark in the sand
follow me not
follow me not
my journey has begun
discover reality in this abstract land
IM leaving a trail of prints
but they're too small for you to see
good-bye.
I had a rose once
it died right when i put it in water
that is what happened to me
when i first kissed you
but i didn't want you to know
to feel like a failure
so i pretended to be alive
you see it was a kiss of death
and i was too ashamed to wipe it off
so it lingered on my mouth for so long
and now my lips are stained
and my rose is dead.
I let my consciousness drift
above and beyond my reality
I can reflect upon the past
left behind
And dream upon the future
in the making
The beauty of what I perceive
is the truth of all that lies
in an unformed natural presence
wide open, uninterrupting
like the sea that brought me here
On nights like this
I let myself unfold, bare and naked
before your eyes
discovering the truth I hold in my flesh
and with every touch, soaking up
the enchanting soul you possess.
A far cry from the shores
I once traveled on.
On nights like this
I plunge with full force
into what I've never known
the mystery unlatched, a freeing passion
with in me
finding strength to peel away
the wretched skin of a fruit
the bare the core of my ripened being
never knowing the thoughts of my head
but always knowing
the eternal passion
in my heart
I bare my whole self
the depths of my sea
endless
On nights like this
I long to be found
embraced by your
solitary existence.
I want to be courageous
self fulfilling
and full of words.
I want to smile at the unknown
and think in my head that I can do this.
I want to be looked up to
and hold my head high
where ever I go.
I want to dine alone
and feel good about it.
I want to not be afraid of
not knowing the right answer,
and not feeling sad if I don't know the answer at all.
I want to make people laugh.
be spontaneous.
silly.
and wild.
I want to dance and not care who watches.
I want to sing out of tune
in front of strangers.
I want to be recognized.
I want to be invited.
confided in.
I want to wear vibrant colors
and funky shoes.
I want to drink pop for breakfast
and eat eggs for supper.
I want to laugh loudly
and cry deeply,
and take baths in the middle of the afternoon
while everyone is working.
I want to help children become who they always wanted to be.
I want to deliver good news.
I want to cry on shoulders.
paint with my hands and feed the ducks in the spring
I want to own coloring books.
I want to call old friends and smile when
I hear their voices.
I want to take classes I've never taken.
I want to make things I've never made.
I want to own too many shoes.
I want to keep secrets
and tell stories.
I want to write letters.
I want to visit my old teachers,
and spend time with the elderly in nursing homes
to give them hugs and kisses like I was their grandchild.
I want to visit the new babies at the hospital
and send bouquets to every new mother.
I want to wear white after labor day.
I want to go to bed with make up on and not wake up with zits.
I want to eat veggies everyday and not complain.
I want to have chocolate in my house and eat it all
without feeling guilty.
I want to cut my hair, paint my nails, and wax my brows.
I want to sit in a whirlpool all day and drink ice tea, lemonade, and drown
away my worries.
I want to write more
and complain less.
I want to express my feelings.
I want to touch the hearts of all the children.
I want to be an expert on something.
I want to travel and see new sites
I want to listen to my music loud
and dance around my room
with a broom
and a hairbrush.
I want to use baby shampoo
and eat the peanuts in the bin at the grocery store.
I want to play in the rain
and make snow angels in the snow.
I want to go barefoot in the summer and pick bouquets of dandelions like I
did when i was five, for my Mom.
I want to listen better
and be heard more.
I want to
spill open
and not be ashamed.
I want to live life fully
and love myself.
It wasn't long ago
that your eyes glistened
and your smile widened
when you saw me.
No awkward moments of silence
floating through thick air
The house has a different smell
each room
a distorted place of walls
Nothing I remember.
Nothing I want.
Like a maze of unfamiliar belongings
Something has driven me away
Taken my place
and filled my words with rubbish
Your touch
distant and cold
I feel absent and alone.
Something has changed
and left behind a terrible ache.
No matter how many attempts to call
or be seen
it will never change
this permanent scar
this fake smile
It used to be that days would float by
but all that was true
remained still and quiet.
Now morning and night fade together
in a dull glow
and all is distorted
not like I once knew
How can this be?
Do you feel it?
The difference?
I used to smile because of you.
I used to dance
I used to sing and you were there
You were there to watch and listen.
Now I've grown
past the safety
of the horizon
and this infinate space
is even more suffocating.
Everything I do reminds me
of the day
when all the world went blank
I failed to live up to
the highest mountain
and the plains I run through
between heaven and hell
are bare and desolate.
I know the moment I lost you
the warmth, the smiles,
the laughter and the fun
the comments and concerns
the safety and the love..
All banished at once.
And since then-A constant
puddle of tears awaits my eyelids
Ready to spill over any minute
with saddness
and all that I never though possible
is happening in front of my eyes.
Lesli's e-mail address is unavailable.
Click here for a list of all of Lesli's Stories and Poetry at Sapphic Voices Authoresses.
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