Given a choice between dealing with it
And suicide right now,
I’d probably choose the latter.
I could move on to my next life,
And it would be like this never happened.
This is like swallowing a bitter pill,
One I’m taking for all the wrong reasons.
I choke and gag to get it down,
Only to barf it back up.
I wish I didn’t have to take it,
But I’ll go nuts if I don’t.
Life can be hell
If you’ve got that mentality.
I hate myself
More than anything else in the world.
Here I go,
Fucking my life up again.
It seems to be a hobby.
I wish there was some other way,
But there isn’t.
I’m more stuck
Than if I was in quicksand.
Defeated, I fall to the ground and cry.
When the lump in my throat goes away,
I’ll take this shitty pill once and for all.
Innocent or not, I’m extremely naïve.
It wasn’t until after I confessed
That I think I love you
When the emotions I had denied
Came out to play.
Now, they threaten to eat me alive.
Gina, I love you,
And it’s making me feel like shit.
I didn’t mean for this to happen;
I didn’t want to need you.
Before I met you, the animal in me
Woke up, and it’s only making this worse.
Don’t blame yourself for anything,
It’s all me.
I wish I didn’t feel this way,
But it’s impossible to turn back
When you’re virtually my everything
And you’re a part of my soul.
I hope you can accept that,
Because you have to.
Gina, I’ve fallen helplessly
In love with you against my better judgement.
Hell, I don’t have better judgement.
All that’s left is you, and
I can’t change that if I try.
I must be in the urban jungle,
‘Cause it’s a fight to stay alive.
Why can’t I do just one thing right?
I screw up at every turn.
I wish for one moment that counted
I could be the predator.
Alas, I remain a cowardly mouse
Under even the most dire circumstances.
The jungle, once vicious,
Has on me turned ferocious everyday.
Baby, I’m gonna die;
This is my nightmare from hell.
Animosity has gotten the best of not only me,
But it would seem the general population as well.
It brings me to my knees,
But I refuse to give up.
I’ve watched myself bleed
For too many years now.
It’s about time I fought back.
I’ll do anything to walk the jungle line
And come out on top of the animosity.
You build me up, tear me down,
Turn me on, and switch me off
Faster than anything else
I have been blessed enough to know.
You are my ultimate catalyst.
You’ve screwed me up
And left me to die
More painfully than anything else.
It’s stupid that I still love you,
But you’re a catalyst.
It’s all I’ve ever known
To have catalysts control my life,
And I feel like you’re governing my actions.
You’re a dominating force in my life.
Call me selfish, but I want you
All to myself, nobody else’s.
In what context doesn’t matter.
I’m in love with a catalyst,
Which will make or break everything.
For as long as I live,
Never will I find someone more beautiful than you.
You’re gorgeous, flawless, perfect.
Catalyst or not,
I need you how you are.
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Click here for a list of all of Sara Aldsworth's Poetry and Stories at Sapphic Voices Authoresses.
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