Sapphic Voices Romance

Breakthrough

Sometimes I think I do indeed lead a charmed life. No matter how hard I try to muck it up, things always seem to work out pretty good. I don't know why that is, I certainly don't deserve it.

In the fall of '91, back when I was all of 21 years old, I met this girl late in the evening at a biker rally at Wahwep Marina on Lake Powell, about 6 miles north of Page, Arizona. Well, I didn't really meet her. I happened to be near her when an incident occurred. She was drinking from a pewter mug watching the goings on at the rally. I was standing nearby and saw the whole thing. Some huge bearded Bubba came up behind her, cussed her out and poured his beer over her head.

She reacted immediately, turning and swinging her mug in one motion. That pewter cup smashed into the Bubba's face with a resounding crack and down he went, probably with a broken nose and missing a few teeth. He thrashed around trying to regain his footing while she quietly stepped behind him and swung her mug again, this time busting him on top of his coconut. Ol' Bubba went down for the count, cold-cocked from two hellistic blows. The girl hadn't even cracked a sweat.

I looked at her and said something stupid like, "Nice form." I can never say the right thing. Well, hardly ever.

She smiled at me and said, "Thanks." She pointed down at the Bubba, who was just beginning to make some groggy noises and said, "My brother, Bob. Say hello, Bob, to...uh..." She squinted at me and said, "Who are you anyway?"

"Lucky," I said. "Just call me Lucky."

She looked me up and down. "OK, Lucky it is then. Dyke on a bike, huh?"

I hadn't thought it was that obvious. "Yeah. You?"

"Since god was a goat, girl. They call me Cherry, Cherry Layne. Most everyone shortens it to Cher. Rhymes with cur, not air." She smiled at me again.

Cherry grabbed my arm and led me away from the rally and down toward the lake. I walked with her in silence out onto a dock where we sat at the end, dangling our legs over the water. I don't know why I followed her lead, I'm not one to do that. But she seemed friendly and I was feeling a bit lonely for some reason. Maybe I always felt lonely back then. Especially in crowds.

We talked for a couple of hours or so. I found out she was from Mesa, which is very close to me in Apache Junction. Beginning a friendship that is still going strong, we hung with each other the rest of the day. She was intrigued that I had a camera around my neck and used it often. I explained I was studying photography and liked taking pictures of Arizona's unusual landscapes. I said that I was taking a half-day boat tour out to Rainbow Bridge about noon the next day. To my surprise she asked me if she could come along. I was even more surprised at hearing myself say, "Sure."

We continued our conversation, talking, walking, learning a lot about each other and the hours flew by. I think it was about 2 am in the morning and we both noticed we were tired. I have to kind of switch my sleeping schedule around a bit when I go out on these adventures because I usually sleep during the day. When I'm out on weekends, I go to bed about 3 am and sleep till about 11 or so. That's easier on my body than trying to make a complete change.

So as much as I would have liked to stay chatting with Cherry, I told her I'd better be getting back to my motel. She asked me where I was staying. I told her the Best Western in Page. She smiled and said, "Me too. Let's get our bikes."

Off we rode. I remember thinking to myself, no one's ever this lucky. I was excited because I sort of knew what was coming. Don't we all when this sort of thing happens? And it did happen. Cherry and I shared the most electric night I ever spent with a woman in my life.

No, I'm not going to go into detail what took place. I don't write erotica so give up on it. Suffice it to say it was pretty wild and extremely nice. Cher is a pretty inventive woman and I can hold my own when I'm motivated. I was exceptionally motivated being with her.

Now, most people experience a night like that and they're excited, right? They want more. They're thinking all the next day about how great it was. How they can build on the experience. How they can grow it. Not me.

You see, I've lived in fear most of my life. Fear that something would distract me from my responsibility to my two sisters. I know myself pretty well. I'm a greedy thing. When I want something I want it yesterday and I'll go through hell to get it. I always felt that if I wanted someone, I'd end up sacrificing my family to get that person. I lived in dread of that. I swore I'd never allow myself to get into a loving relationship.

There are other sides to that coin as well. People who live in fear usually are pretty down on themselves. They feel they don't deserve good things to happen to them. They feel the circumstances they are in are self-inflicted. They were born bad and some higher power gave them their lot in life because of it. Their mind tells them over and over again they don't deserve to be loved. Even when love is right within their grasp or knocking at their door.

Our mind plays games with us and shows us through life experiences that the mind's way of seeing things is right. We don't deserve to have the kind of loving relationships we long for. Those of us who are in this rut, for whatever reason, don't believe we are allowed to love. We believe that somehow, if we did, it would destroy us.

So a person who lives in fear like that doesn't look at an extraordinary night akin to the one I'd just spent with Cherry as a matter of, "How can this experience become more?" No, it comes out, "How can I insure this kind of thing never happens to me again?"

Sounds pretty horrible, not? I felt I needed to punish myself because I succumbed to the temptation. Then I proceeded to punish Cherry as well, to insure nothing like the previous night would never happen between us again.

The next day, instead of being all bubbly, happy, cheerful, and loving life, I was moody, uptight, unresponsive, negative, and a real bitch. I wouldn't allow her to physically touch me. I snapped at her to forget it each time she mentioned the wonderful experience we'd shared.. I told her it was a once and done deal and if she ever brought it up in the future I would never see her again.

Cherry was confused, hurt, and obviously knew there was some kind of problem. She told me later that the only reason she decided to let it go and stay with me was the glimmer of hope that the night before had held out for the future. Of course for me that glimmer was gone almost immediately.

I saw Cherry about once a month or so for the next 8 years. She'd call more often than that but I'd put her in her place by asking if she couldn't see that I had a responsibility and it wasn't to her? When she did come along for weekend trips I made sure she brought her own tent. I didn't want her sleeping with me because I didn't trust myself.

After spending a weekend with her I longed to be closer to her, to hold her again and make love like we did in Page. But I'd come to my senses quickly and accuse her of trying to become involved with me. I wouldn't let her come along on my next trip saying I had enough of her scheming ways, even knowing I wanted her terribly and she was becoming an excellent assistant. I would not allow my desires to overcome my fears.

This went on for eight long years. I never again allowed Cherry to get close to me. Yet, for some reason, she hung in there. I wouldn't have, but she did. She was always kind and helpful - even in the face of my most vehement rejections of her affection. It came to the normal mode of relating for us.

Then one day a few months ago, my sister Happy suggested we sisters all get on AOL again. Happy's like the exact opposite of me in most every way. I was down in the dumps and figured why not? It would keep her at home and I probably wouldn't have as much to worry about. So we went on line and she made a Web Site to let the world know about what Harry's girls were like.

At first when I went on AOL I was my usual one syllable self, putting down anyone that said anything to me. Then one day this cute chick IM'd me. She said, basically, her new goal in life was to get me to smile more often. I snorted, of course. Better people than her had tried, I was sure. But CuteChick grew on me. Somehow, through the use of a keyboard she got under my façade and into the cesspool of my feelings. I don't know how it happened, but I started opening up a little.

Not that it was easy for her. I fought it tooth and nail. If she wanted black, I wanted white. We fought with each other constantly. But we had made some kind of commitment not to go away so we stayed. We kind of fell in love with the orneriness of each other. And it helped me.

Somehow I managed to see that if I loved another person, my life wasn't going to fall apart. I wasn't going to leave Happy and Baby and run off to be with this girl. I could be firm, but not hurtful to her.

And so it continued, week after week. CuteChick wanted to talk on the phone. I didn't. CuteChick wanted to come visit me and go back to the East Coast again. I said no way. We fought, made up and fought again. We were arguing way too much.

Then, when the weather broke in Arizona and cooled down for a weekend, Cherry and I decided to go for a photo shoot up to the Rim Country. It was like all the other shoots we experienced together. But when I got home and the feelings about Cherry started to hit me again, this time I allowed them come. And I owned them. And for the first night in eight years I thought about how good that night had been that we shared together at the Best Western in Page.

The next week, the fighting and arguing between CuteChick and I continued. We finally both had enough of it and agreed to look in our own backyards for a relationship. She had a friend she really liked and I told her about Cherry so we both went our separate ways. I called Cherry from work (a first) and asked her if she'd like to accompany my sisters and I on a trip to Las Vegas from Thursday to Sunday? She couldn't believe her ears. Of course, she said yes.

Happy and Baby shared the driving duties and I slept in the back, my head in Cherry's lap. I slept soundly all the way to Vegas. We stayed off the strip at the Boulder Station Casino on Boulder Highway. My sisters and I like the place and the gambling is good (meaning I usually walk away a winner from their black jack tables.). As soon as we checked in, the kids wanted to go downstairs so they left quickly. I made an excuse about wanting to change clothes and so Cherry waited with me.

I was in the bathroom combing my hair and heard Cherry say, "Thanks, Luck, for inviting me along. I really appreciate it." I laid down my comb, took a deep breath, turned and walked into the other room to face the music.

When I came back out, Cherry was sitting on the corner of one of the two queen-sized beds. I sat down opposite her on the other. "Cher, I've got something I want to talk over with you. Do you mind?"

"What'd I do now?" She said. You could here nervousness in her voice.

"You didn't do anything, Cher, it's been me. Me all along. I think you know that."

"What do you mean?"

"Come on Cher, for eight years I've been treating you like dirt. All you've been is kind and good to me but I've acted like you're nothing more than cow pucky on my boots. I haven't been very nice to you at all. In fact, I've been damn hurtful. You should've given me worse than your gave your brother that time." I could feel my eyes starting to tear up.

"Look, Lucky. You set things straight right when we met. If anyone's not toed the mark it's been me." She was looking me right in the eyes and I could see that she was on the verge of tears also.

I wasn't going to let her take the blame for my bullshit. "No Cher. It hasn't been you and you know it. From that very first day I should never have treated you the way I did. I was scared. Way too scared that I'd fall in love with you. Something I felt I would never be allowed to do. But the truth is, I've loved you for those eight years and I've not permitted myself to see or feel it until now."

That did it. She was off the bed and into my arms. We both bawled like babies. Some big tough biker chicks we turned out to be. Wonder what the people in the hall thought, all the racket we were making.

In between my sobs I managed to choke out, "Will you forgive me, Cher?"

She pulled back from me and said, "I don't need to forgive you. I'm just so very glad I get to love you now. You have no idea, Toughskins."

That started another session of wailing. Gawd, I hadn't cried so much since I burned my leg on Jack Kratz' motorcycle exhaust when I was 5. By now we were both sitting on the one bed. I looked into her tear stained smiling face and I smiled. I thought the ends of my lips would crack I smiled so hard. "Cher," I said. "You get to love me, but only if I get to love you back as hard as you can take it."

Cherry pushed herself off the bed. She walked over to the back of the room door and removed the "Do Not Disturb" sign from the knob. She found a marker in her suitcase and in the white area at the bottom she wrote "This Means YOU Happy and Baby!" Then she went back and hung it on the outside of the door closing it behind her.

"Let's see if we're still as good as we were 8 years ago."

"Hell girl," I said, tears still rolling down my cheeks. "We might even be better."

It was better. Best ever in fact.

If you have enjoyed Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre's "Breakthrough", then please be certain to e-mail her at  HappyB8888[at]aol.com  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre's  Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.