Sapphic Voices Romance

The Bride In Pearls And Blood

Part Three

Catalina felt strange and out of place with the woman. She stepped inside bashfully, still hugging her midriff while the lady locked her door behind them both.The apartment looked large for her, primarily because it looked like she lived alone. The kitchen and the living room were beside each other, separated by a counter, and every small part of the place was organized. There were computer parts on top of the counter, and her large bed which resembled a giant, red pin cushion, was only a few feet away from the door. The woman walked past her, pulling out a chair from the living room, and sitting before her, resting her elbows and chin on the back of it. Catalina stared at her for a good long minute, when the woman finally broke the silence with a sarcastic tone in her voice.

"..Well? Talk to me. You didn't say you came to stare at my face."

"...Jesus.. What am I doing?.."

"Hey,hey, cut that out. You're talking to me remember?"

Catalina took a deep breath, while looking around the placed discreetly. She had come to talk to the woman, but she couldn't gather her words at the moment.

"..I'm sorry.. I really don't know where to begin.. "

"Heh.. Well..How's about we tell each other our names? I wouldn't want to speak my heart out to a stranger if I were you. Not for a second time anyway."

Catalina gave her a hard stare, feeling her face flush red a little, after being reminded of her dramatic display from the past week.

"..Gee, thanks for reminding me."

"The name's Damiane Philips."

"..I'm.. My name is Catalina.. Catalina Castellanos."

"..That's going to be a little hard to pronounce. But take a seat will you."

Catalina looked at her awkwardly, wondering where she would allow her to sit. The chairs were on the living room to the far right, and the bed was right next to her. She couldn't discern which one she was preferred to choose from Damiane's half closed eyes.

"..Where would you like me to sit?.."

"..Hm. There's a chair right here next to me. Or you could just be lazy and sit down in the giant chicken feather bag I call a bed.."

"..Um.. I'll take the chair.."

Damiane stood up, and pushed a chair in front of hers, then sat back down, as expressionless as before. Catalina walked slowly towards it, and sat down carefully, with her hands resting atop her lap, like a lady from the Victorian era.

"Ok. I'm all ears."

"..I just came to.. To get someone to listen to me.. I don't know you, but.. It's just simpler to address this with a nonchalant stranger.."

"What, because there won't be any judgmental bullshit?"

"..I'd have to say yes.."

"Uh, huh. So, you're still getting married?"

Catalina cast her gaze to the floor, absently noticing Damiane's long legs in her bleached jeans.

"..Yes.. Yes I am.."

"..When?.."

"..Probably mid June.. Last week, when I ran out of the house crying.. My mother had just told me that.. That he wanted to hasten the wedding.. It was supposed to be in July the 17th but... Mother still needs to discuss it with daddy.."

"..In a bit of a rush huh.."

"..I hate this.. I spoke with him yesterday night..He says he dying to meet me.. And to have children.. Or at least, that's what I heard..I was kind of in a daze.. He sounds so much older than I was told he was.."

"..So how old is he?"

"Mother says he's 38 years old. So does my sister. She's met him because she lives in Peru, and she already married.. They say he's a hardworking man. Dedicated, noble, and all that.. But still, when I spoke to him I couldn't help but feel strange and out of place.."

Catalina looked up to notice Damiane looking at her silently for a couple of seconds. In the back of her mind, Catalina found her somewhat alluring as she traced her eyes along her ovaled face, her narrow eyes, and her prominent, well profiled nose. Realizing her thoughts, the young girl dismissed her ideas from her mind angrily, telling herself to stop denouncing the will of God. Damiane's quiet voice called her back to reality.

"Catalina..How old are you?"

"..What? Oh, I'm.. I'm 18.. Turned 18 two months ago.."

"..Hm. A mere child, and they're wedding you off already.. Aren't you supposed to be in college?"

"..Well..No.. I mean, I should be, but I'm going back to Peru two weeks before the wedding, whenever it's decided.. Up until now I've been home schooled."

"I see. So they've been preparing you for this for a long while huh.."

Catalina sighed heavily, sinking deeper into her depression.

"..Yeah..I really wish things were different, but.. Dear Lord..They aren't.. I know that it's our custom to be wed at this age,but.."

"They're customs huh.. I had assumed those traditions were long dead by now..It's the 21st century."

"..It still happens in some parts of my homeland.. I can't take it.. This tension is driving me crazy..With each day that passes, I get closer to losing my freedom..Felicio may be a nice man and everything, but I can't handle this.. I'm not ready.. I'll never be ready.."

"..Why don't you want to marry this man?"

"Why should I want to, ms Damiane? I don't even know him."

"Just call me Damiane. But.. If these are your customs, something you've grown up expecting, why do you seem so militant about your dissent? I mean, it's not like I approve of what's happening, or that I'm siding with the guy, but given that you grew up in this kind of environment, you should be more prepared to get this over with.."

They looked back at each other carefully, with Catalina realizing that Damiane had hit the nail on the head. She was right. She had been brought up knowing that she would be married before age 20, and that she would be the dedicated, homely wife of a hardworking man her parents would find for her. She had known all this for a long time, and at some point in her life, even considered it God's will for her, but she still couldn't handle it. She didn't want to handle it. Damiane's questions interrupted her thoughts again. She was standing by the fridge, searching for something inside.

"..You want something to drink?..Juice, water?"

"..What? Oh..Yes. Water, please.."

There was an awkward silence while Damiane served her drink. Or rather, an awkward silence for Catalina while she waited. Damiane handed her the glass, and turned her chair to face her before sitting down and swallowing her glass of orange juice in nearly one gulp. Catalina found the gesture somewhat attractive though she made an effort not to make anything obvious. When Damiane spoke up again, her voice seemed more curious, even intrigued to some degree.

"..Why don't you tell me.."

"What?.."

"..He's a good person you say. Hardworking, dedicated. Willing to have a family. He doesn't fit the mold of the kind of man that is usually wed to the innocent girl 20 years younger than him. If anything, Catalina, you're lucky to find such a person,because the way I've read it, the women of the past were paired up with very different kinds of individuals. So tell me. What are the true reasons why you don't want to marry this man?"

Damiane was looking directly into her eyes now. Catalina could hardly swallow the water she had sipped with those eyes fixed on hers, but she managed to keep her composure at such a personal inquiry. The answer was there, somewhere inside her. She had realized many years ago that she was different. Quite different. But her fear of God, her devotion to her Catholic faith and her family had made her shun the truth. Her truth. It had been a struggle, because the turmoil and confusion always remained, but she had to swallow it, and pretend that she was like most other women. She couldn't afford to shame her Lord. The confession itself would be too great a travesty.

"I asked you a question."

"..I just.. Don't want to. I'm too young."

"Don't give me that.You've been prepared for years now. You've been bred into it. If anything, you think yourself a woman, no less an adult than I am."

Catalina looked away, feeling Damiane's frank reply bite into her a second time, as she notioned the truth of her words in her mind. She felt foolish for having had come to a complete stranger for understanding, but at the same time she felt hurt because she knew no one else would or cared to understand her. How could she tell Damiane that she couldn't even remember the last time she felt desire for a man? She'd think of her as an abomination, no differently than her family would, and that would only add to that damn feeling of emptiness and solitude. She didn't need that. There was already enough. Sullen and disappointed, she got up from her chair, handing the glass to Damiane with ground bound eyes.

"..I'm sorry.. I have to go."

"..I realize I've hit a raw nerve.."

"..Maybe.. But I have to get back. I apologize for wasting your time. I shouldn't have come to burden you with these things.."

Somewhat disappointed herself, Damiane stood up, to accompany her to the door as the sullen young girl made her way out. Catalina was already out on the hallway before she spoke up again.

"Catalina.."

"..Yes?"

"..There's a big piece to the puzzle that you don't want to turn in. I can't help you feel better if you don't."

"..Am I such an open book?"

"I can see it in your eyes. I'm always here after 6 o'clock. I'll be expecting you."

......................................................................................................

Catalina abandoned the place without another word. The short walk home was miserable and silent, but she was laden with thoughts about Damiane. She seemed a bit different from the woman she had met a week ago. It was as if she actually cared for what was happening to her this time. As she opened her door she felt as if she were stepping back inside into her nightmare. She found her parents gathered in the living room, watching a television show. After saying hello to each of them, she ascended to her room, to try and distract herself with her books. It wasn't long after she started reading Ethan Frome that her mother walked in, with a bit of sadness embedded in her expression.

"..Hello hija. How was the visit to your friend's?"

"..It was ok mother. We were just chatting.Nothing special."

"That's good. I'm just letting you know that your father decided that the wedding's original date be upheld. He spoke to Felicio today, but he disagreed with speeding things up. So, we're going to put off going to Maria's to pick up your accessories for later. She called today. She needs more time to complete them anyway."

"..I see.. Thanks for letting me know mother."

"This is will give you more time to practice your duties here, so it's a good thing. Also, please be sure to finish reading Matthews after you are done with that book."

Catalina nodded as her mother left the room closing the door behind her. She was somewhat satisfied that the wedding wouldn't be rushed anymore, but she could clearly discern the chagrin in her mother's expression. She wondered if her mother had felt the same way as her when she was to be married to her father. It was hard to tell. She always obeyed her father in everything he wanted. He decided everything in the house, and Catalina herself had grown accustomed to his authority. As she read her book, she thought about Damiane and found herself comparing her own attitude to that of Ethan Frome's. A person so scared of letting go that the joy of life escaped them before they even had a chance to live. She didn't want to live that kind of existence, but she felt as though she couldn't help anything, as a feeling of impotence took over when she laid down in bed. She thought about Damiane again, wishing she didn't have eyes to see her because now, she was hugging her pillow close, imagining it was the tall, flaxen haired woman laying down beside her, comforting her to sleep.

The Bride In Pearls And Blood - End of Part Three

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