Sapphic Voices Romance

The Bride In Pearls And Blood

Part Four

I'm always here after 6 o'clock. I'll be expecting you.

Damiane's words remained in the back of Catalina's mind as she prepared supper for her family. Her mother was supervising her, making sure she was using all the proper ingredients, and timing the food just about right. It was like a test she had grown used to taking four days a week. Her father had arrived early that night, and he too was lingering around the kitchen, though he wasn't monitoring anything, just enjoying the sweet smell of the meal she was preparing. Catalina wasn't sure why her mother monitored her. She had always fared well in cooking. Or rather, she got gotten the hang of it after all this time. She had been told the recipes, the heights of the flames, the amounts of spices and oils and the kitchenware to prepare what with so many times that it was all second nature now. There was no way she could get it wrong. After the meal was ready, she served it to her family, and dinner proceeded calmly, as usual. Catalina was thinking up excuses with which to go back and see Damiane again. It had already been nearly a week since their encounter, and strangely enough, she felt as though she missed hearing her voice. She notioned her sister's compliments on the food absently, finally deciding that she would tell her mother about a shopping spree to find a gift for Felicio, which would take some time. The slander didn't take as much time or effort as it had the first time.

......................................................................................................

Catalina waited calmly resting against Damiane's door the next evening. It was almost 6:45 pm, and she still hadn't arrived.The complex design on the carpet before Damiane's door read welcome, and it distracted her until the sounds of the elevator's door closing claimed her attention. Damiane was looking at her, somewhat surprised. Catalina waved at her shyly, feeling a strange happiness deep inside herself.

"..Hey there. I didn't know you were coming."

"..Sorry. I had no way of contacting you."

Damiane walked over to stand beside her by the door, withdrawing the keys from her jacket. She gestured Catalina to step aside softly, not noticing the slight fascination in her eyes.

"Been there long?.."

"..A bit over 20 minutes ."

"I apologize. Had to wrap some things up at work."

"..It's ok. I don't seek to impose."

Damiane opened the door letting them both inside, and Catalina walked in behind her. There was something somewhat different about the place, but she couldn't quite place it. She sat on Damiane's bed timidly, looking at her while she put away her folders and the suitcase full of papers and notes, as the small rip on the side gave away.

"..You mind if I sit here?.."

"Sit anywhere you like."

Damiane's response was comfortable and natural, as though the girl had become an expected guest. Catalina watched her remove her jacket as she walked to her studio, and placed it on the hangar beside her desktop. She emerged from the room without her office blouse, but just a comfortable t shirt, like the ones she would see her wear when she jogged down her block. She got a bottle of water from the fridge and pulled out a chair from the living room to sit right in front of the girl, just as she had before.

"Would you like something?.."

"No. Thank you."

"Mm. Alright then. Speak to me.."

Catalina took a few seconds to gather her words, because frankly she didn't remember what she wanted to talk about. She knew it wasn't anything in particular, because she was just obeying her own desire to see her, but she had thought up some small talk that had all been thrown off by her careful observance of the woman's gestures.

"..I don't really have anything new to say Damiane.. I just came--"

"..To see me."

"How did you know?"

Damiane laughed softly after taking another sip from her bottled water. Her grin always made her seem so slick and calculating.

"I'm not sure. This kind of thing happens very often. It's like I meet someone, and they just keep checking back on me, like they're flies and I'm syrup."

"..I'm sorry.. Please don't think I'm stalking you."

"I don't. But, I guess you're not exempt from the majority."

"..I suppose."

"I wanted to apologize for last week. Perhaps I asked a question that was too delving into the matter, or rather into your personal feelings.."

"It's alright.. I think I'll have an answer for your question very soon anyway.."

After that comment there was a brief pause that helped Catalina realize Damiane's curiosity. She waited seconds for her to ask her again, but Damiane didn't. Her voice posed a new question once it rose again.

"How was your week?"

"..It was fine.. As far it can be anyway."

"Sounds like you're still counting the days."

"..I really wish they didn't rush by."

"..Catalina.. How does your family feel about your thoughts on this whole situation?"

"..They don't know anything."

She noticed Damiane give her a careful, slightly surprised look. It wasn't the answer she had been expecting.

"..No wonder the reason behind these outbursts of emotion.. You've been sucking up a lot.."

"Yes.. But, I don't think it would be any better if I told my parents how much I hate all this.."

"..You really don't know that."

"..They would probably force me Damiane.. It's tradition."

Damiane stood up with a mocking grin on her face that ignited Catalina's curiosity. She put away the half full bottle of water in the fridge, and organized some of the computer chips and mother boards on her counter into a neat pile before speaking up again.

".. It looks to me like you've been imposed a warped idea of what adulthood is."

"What do you mean?.."

"Last time we met, you agreed with me that you had been brought up knowing that you would be married off to a stranger at a very young age. You also agreed with me in that you thought of yourself as a woman, or rather that is it a woman that you believe yourself to be, because of your upbringing, even though you're only 18. However, look at this now.. Even though you're an adult, you fear letting your parents know of your dissent. You've been swallowing all your anger at being forced into this because you fear them."

Catalina was left pensive for a moment, realizing her words were true. For the first time in her life, she thought about something that had always been right before her eyes, that notion of pseudo independence. She remembered the times she would be told by her mother she had to do XYZ thing without being told because it was her responsibility, but she still had to ask permission to wear heavy make up, or to do something as simple as going to a party.Damiane's words interrupted both her
thoughts and the silence.

"Tell me Catalina, what kind of responsibilities do you have in your household?"

"..Most of whatever deals with the home.."

"..Like what things for example?"

"..Well.. I have to wash the bathroom twice a week, mop the floors, cook 4 times a week, and..Basically keep everything clean and organized.. The shopping is all my responsibility also.."

She heard Damiane chuckle to herself. The woman still had her back turned to her while she checked her gadgets absently.

"..What a perfect little homemaker you are. They've done their job well. But tell me .. Do you live with your mother?"

"..Yes.."

"..What does she do?"

"..Well.. She usually does the simpler things because she's grown tired, and she's not so young anymore. But, I have to do these things because it's my duty, as a woman."

"Ah, I see. So let me guess, you're a Christian."

"..Yes.. Yes I am."

"..A Catholic no less."

She had turned around to face Catalina, and it made her feel somewhat uneasy. The look in Damiane's face was contemptful and mocking. It made the young woman feel as if she were being judged by a guiltless deity.

"..Um. Yeah.. That's right."

"..You're such a young, naive thing. I have to commend their intelligence though. They know how to manipulate malleable minds."

"..Please make sense Damiane.. What are you saying?"

"They're taking advantage of you. Do you know why? Because something tells me that it really doesn't matter how old your mother is getting, the least she could do is assist you somehow. They may be your duties as a woman according to your faith, but your mother is no less of a woman than you are. She has obligations too. The way I see it, she's laying 80% of the household management on your shoulders. On top of that she's marrying you off to a man you don't even know, and you can't turn it down, let alone voice your dissent for fear of being forced or whatever their reaction might be. Is that what you call adulthood Catalina? I'll have you know it isn't. You're more like an innocent puppet. They're using you to do what they want."

"..What?.."

"..Did I stutter my dear?.. Open your eyes. Up until now you've probably been thinking that this is the way things should be. If they think you're an adult to take care of all these things without being told, then just the same, you're an adult to say no to this marriage and just go on living your own life.."

Catalina felt the tears gathering in her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. Damiane was telling her to denounce her parent's wishes, to simply rebel and make her life as she wanted, but she felt impotent because it wasn't so easy. She feared her parents, and whatever mold they had accommodated for her to fit into, she had grown chained and bound to it. She felt that Damiane was right, as through her mind coursed all of the memories of when her mother would demand that she performed a certain task, or when her father would reprimand her for not washing his shirts properly. A certain rage was developing within her, gathering all of these things in her mind because it made her feel like a fool for not having had realized what was being levied on her ever since she was so young. She clenched her small fists in anger, but kept her head low in an attempt to hide her furor.

"..I don't want to marry."

"Then don't."

"..I'm scared Damiane.. What am I going to do?.."

"I think that the first thing you should do is really think about who it is you are in your own eyes,Catalina. I'm not even in your shoes and I myself can feel the boundaries and restrictions that surround you."

"..It's not in my hands to change that.."

"Eliminate them. You became an adult before you even had to. It's time you reap your harvest and do what you want."

The long silence that followed was almost deafening for Catalina. Damiane stood still right in front of her, but inside the girl's mind, so many things were happening. Maybe it was something of a revolution, a growing anger that slowly blossomed into rebellion and finally climaxed at her hunger for freedom. Her walk home was absent minded and distant. The streets around her were empty, but in her thoughts they we full of clones of her parents, of her sister, and of Felicio, crowding around her, bumping into her, subverting her desires to settle in their own. When she walked into her home, she didn't even notion her family's greeting as she ascended into her room, and closed her door.The mirror beside her reflected her anger. Her fists were still clenched and her face was dry and enraged. It was something that estranged her to herself because she had grown accustomed to her own meekness, but now she seemed so different. Her mother knocked on her door and entered before she could allow her in, breaking the long silence she had carried with her all through her trip back.

"Catalina?"

"What do you want mother?"

"Child, you sure are a dreamer. Your sister and I greeted you downstairs and you said nothing.You've been so distracted lately. Don't tell me you're day dreaming about your wedding eh?"

"No mother. I'm not."

"Where's the gift for Felicio? I thought you said you were going to get him something nice.."

"Mother.."

"Si? "

"Get out. I want to be alone."

She didn't care to observe her mother's surprised expression for long. The door closed behind her shortly afterward and she stood in the middle of her room, feeling her own blood boil and unable to get herself to move. The memories of her parent's demands were still vivid in her mind, and each new thought only made her a little angrier, as though it were one adding more wood to a raging fire. That night she didn't close her eyes for a long while, subject to a new hatred for her family.

......................................................................................................

The visits to Damiane's apartment had grown much more frequent, as had the slander behind every excuse. It was already the middle of May, and Catalina had carefully planned her confrontation with her family. Maybe it was needless to call it a confrontation, because there had been many in the past month. Yells from her father for disrespecting her mother, rants from her sister about her sudden change in attitude before her return to Peru, and frustrated sighs from her mother whenever she skipped some of her chores after claiming that she had forgotten them. The schism between both parties was becoming stronger, and her only refuge was Damiane, who had now grown used to having her over at least three times a week, always at 6. It hadn't all been complete conflicts however, because the young girl seemed happier, even ecstatic at times. She had grown infatuated with the woman. Every minute she had her in her mind, reminiscing of her every gesture and her every comment. She had grown to love the times when she would adjust her small tinted glasses, when she would stretch and yawn, bored at whatever she was doing, and when she would smile at her sarcastically after having had cracked some joke that she was the joyous brunt of. She grown to enjoy watching her sweat, because the woman had this strange fixation on martial arts and she had arrived many a time in the middle of her training sessions, and whenever she would pick up the industry plastic scent of a computer,she would think of her also, because components were always somewhere to be found on Damiane's premises. In her, she had found a new strength, one which made her feel as if she really didn't have to bend to her family's will helplessly. Her last visit had been two days ago, and in her mind, she gathered the courage to make her confession, like she had been wanting to do for a long time.

Daddy.. Mother. I have something to tell you.

Her hands were trembling, and her throat ached. Her racing heart vivified her chest, as though it wanted to escape from her. She felt prey to both excitement and fear, remembering Damiane's matter of fact voice tell her about all the injustice she was being made endure without realizing it herself.

I'm not going to marry him.

It had only been 5 years since her sister's wedding. The memories of her tolerant smile haunted her still. It only made her think harder of Damiane's words on the matter when she spoke to her about it days ago.

Wed off at 15..She already has four children huh?.. You're going to let them do that to you Catalina? Don't be the same fool she has been succumbing to these norms. If it's something you don't want to take part in, then don't. It's as simple as that.

How odd that a stranger had been so kind to removed the folds from her eyes and tell her to stand up for what she wanted. She still couldn't believe it was happening to her. It almost seemed like a miracle that she had met her that day when she burst into tears.

..I don't want to marry Felicio.. I don't ever want to marry any man..And I'm never going to. It's Damiane that I love.

Catalina's thoughts were interrupted when she heard the front door close. Then there was the jingling of keys, and her mother's kiss as she greeted her husband. She carried herself quietly downstairs. Her father was sitting at the table waiting for her mother to finish heating the supper she herself had prepared. He looked to her with contempt at first as she stood before him, with her hands at her sides, clasped, sweaty, and trembling. Through her mind one thought raced her about her mind.

Daddy.. Damiane is the woman that I love.

"What are you doing standing there? Did you even say hello to me tonight? Or are you going to act up like you've been doing lately?"

She ignored her father's annoyance, waiting seconds before speaking up. Both people had surrendered their full attention to her by the time she finally addressed them.

"I'm not marrying Felicio. I'm never going to marry him, or anyone. Ever."

The Bride In Pearls And Blood - End of Part Four

If you have enjoyed Foreigner's "The Bride In Pearls And Blood - Part Four", then please be certain to e-mail at  SeekersRhapsody[at]yahoo.com  and thank her for posting this Story.

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