Sapphic Voices Romance

Farewell Tears

I take my big heavy bag and hang it on my shoulder. I turn around and look into the mirror. My face looks tired, like it always does. My eyes are sad and it seems as if they are darker than they normally are. But I'm glad that at least my face doesn't show how nervous I am. I take my keys from the bedside table and go out into the bedroom. In the corridor I put on my shoes and for the last time look around the apartment. I have lived in it for about three years now and I really love it. Every single room has got a lot of memories in it. Good as well as bad. This apartment is my home, it was my home for the last three years. And now I have to leave it. Maybe forever.

For the last time I breathe in the scent of the apartment. In the air are mixed two different perfumes and it smells of flowers and candy. I turn around and walk out the apartment into the entrance hall. I carefully shut the door and go down the stairs. Between the second and the first floor I suddenly stop. The windows from here show me the whole yard where on a bench under a tree I see you. You're sitting on the back of the bench - it's so unusual for me to see you sit like that. You always said that only kids can sit on a back of a bench and you're not a kid anymore. But apparently today you changed your mind. I know why you did it - you're simply nervous, like me.

You take cigarettes and a lighter out of your black coat. Then you light a cigarette and look up to our windows. Maybe you hope to see me there. You know that I didn't leave yet, otherwise you wouldn't sit there on the bench and wait. But you don't want to see me pack, see me pack up things that mean something to you: my alarm clock, my books, my clothes...The wind blows and a strand of hair falls out of your hairdo. I think you don't even notice the strand, because normally you hate it when this happens. But you don't move or do something, you're just sitting there and starring at our windows.

You are so beautiful. I never said it to you, but you are the most beautiful woman I ever met. It seems as if you didn't change in the last five years that we're together, but you did. You still look the same as when I first met you five years ago, but inside you changed a lot. Five years ago you were different. You were lively, forceful, you couldn't sit still, you hated to be alone, you laughed all the time and you loved to sing. Every time I heard you sing some happy song. Five years ago you were happy. But today you're completely different. You're working till midnight and sometimes you don't even come home - you sleep in your office. You don't laugh anymore as much, you're always too tired for it. All you think about is your job, that's why you always want to be alone, with your thoughts and ideas. And this is the reason why I leave. Your job means to you more than I do, it's more important to you than anything else. I tried to talk to you about it once, but you only smiled and said that I'm just imagining everything, that I'm the the most important person for you. But I didn't believe you, because I knew that it wasn't so. You woke up in the middle of the night and drove to the office because you forgot something to do there, you brought your work home and you had no time for me. But you didn't see that I was unhappy, that our relationship was dying. You didn't notice that I didn't talk to you for days, that I didn't tell you what I think, what I feel. You didn't notice that as I made dinner I did it only for me, because I didn't knew if you would come home. You didn't notice that we hadn't slept together for months. And it all was too much for me. I gave up.

Maybe I don't understand you because I'm not this businesswoman like you? I'm a writer - my work is at home, at my computer. Of course I love my job, but not like you love yours. Writing means to me really a lot, but it's not my world, it's not everything, there are other things that are more important. You - for example. You know, I never thought that I would write books, I never thought that people would read and like them. But you always believed in me. Maybe that's why I fell in love with you. You thought I'm very talented, you said I should fulfill myself. But now you let me alone with my dream that became reality. Aside from the stories in my head I don't have anything any more, because I lost you. It's funny but I don't even know how it came so. I think I realized that I lost you as some day you called me and said that you wouldn't come home for night - you had to finish your work. Yeah, then I knew - you were gone. We changed in different directions. You don't have to be very smart to understand that we have no future together.

I don't know how long I would have lived like this but definitely not very long. Decisive was the invitation to a writer-workshop in France that I got a week ago. I accepted it straightaway. I know it will be better this way. I have to leave while we don't hate each other. As long as we have something like a friendship. As long as we love each other. I told you that I was leaving only yesterday, as you came from work. You were shocked but didn't say anything. You listened to me as I told you this and then only nodded understanding. You know as well that this is the better way, that I have to go, that we have to break up before it's not too late. I know, it hurt you to hear all this words from me, though you didn't cry in front of me. I made a face like it's no big deal for me, but it hurt me as much as you. I heard the words come out my mouth and each of them hurt me deep inside. I felt like I'm dying. Maybe you were embarrassed to show me your feelings because after our talk you took a shower and I heard you cry, though I know you thought the water was louder than you. And you don't know that I was sitting by the bathroom, listening to you and crying too...

You throw away the cigarette end and look at your watch. I turn round and walk down the stairs. I go out the house and walk up to you. You see me and I notice that you're tense and your hands are shaking. I stop in front of you and try to speak with cold voice: "What are you doing here? I told you, you don't have to come..." But my voice is shaking and I nervously pull up my bag with hope that it would soothe me.

"I wanted to say good-bye," you answer and your voice is shaking too. For a second I think that you would start to cry now, but you only look sad into my eyes.

I put our - now your - keys of the apartment and give them to you: "Here - your keys. Actually I wanted to throw them into the mailbox, but you came, so..."

You silently look at the keys and your eyes are empty. You don't take the keys, you look at me and say with hopeful voice: "Keep them. When you come back..."

"No," I softly interrupt you. "Don't." Those words definitely say that it's over, that there's no way back, that you can't change it anymore. And you understand it, and you take the keys. And I see how the keys disappear in your hand and I feel like with them you take a part of me. And I feel like crying but I have to hold out. I have to hold out the pain I feel inside. I must not show you my feelings, otherwise you won't let me leave and if I don't leave I'll go crazy.

You take a big breath and you say: "You know that...that I love you, don't you?"

My heart squeezes and I feel the tears coming up, and I can't speak. I haven't heard from you those three words for so long, that I forgot how they sound with your voice. I feel that you can see the feelings in my eyes and I look down. I look at the ground and unexpectedly my voice becomes cold: "It doesn't change anything." Your lower lip is trembling and tears fill your eyes and I can't see it any longer, it hurts so much. It hurts me that I hurt you. I feel guilty. I wanna embrace you, kiss you - even if only for parting - but if I do this I won't leave and I have to leave. I really do.

"Will you come back?" You ask me and I only shrug.

"I don't know." And I really don't know, because I need time to think everything over. I think that when I come back from France I won't go to this town, because it's full with memories of you and me. Here I will see you in everyone and I will hope for an unintentional encounter. Probably I'll go to New York, I have a brother there. He would be happy to see me. But maybe I won't even come back from France... "I have to go now," I say and one more time I pull up my bag.

You're still looking at me. You nod and then say: "I will wait for you..."

"No...You better not..." I shake my head and look for the last time into your brown eyes. Then I turn round and without a word walk away. And although I can hear how you whisper that you love me, I don't stop, I keep on going. And my eyes are full with tears and I can't hold them any more, they fall down on my cheeks and it's hard to see where I'm going. With my hand I wipe away the tears but it doesn't help.

I know that you will wait for me, though I said you better not. I didn't believe myself and you didn't either. Something inside me says that some day we will meet each other again. You know, you can't forget your first love. It's impossible. Especially if it's the love of your life...

The End

If you have enjoyed Kattie's "Farewell Tears", then please be certain to e-mail at  Katharina.Savlukov[at]gmx.de  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of Kattie's Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.