Sapphic Voices Romance

Fireflies

Drunken bees sipped trash can lemonade under an old oak tree. One bloated bee had died and gone to heaven among the lemon slices and ice chunks. Earlier that morning Uncle Sonny had hosed out the shiny aluminum can and lined it. He let the children pour in fresh juice and water. They all took turns stirring in the sugar with a large wooden paddle. Older relatives sat about, filled to sagging while a tangle of sweet peppers percolated on the grill. Aunt Josie blew elegant trails of bluish smoke from a thin brown cigarette and languidly tapped ash into half an eggshell. Her charm bracelet made music when she tamped the cigarettes out.

The day was a dreamy one, drenched in the pink-orange sun of summer. It was the twentieth such July Nadine had known. Uncles Charles and Sonny were deeply engrossed in a game of pinochle, slapping down the cards to punctuate their skill. Cousin Thelma was braiding the daylights out of Camilla's hair while Camilla sat between the fleshy legs, praying for reprieve. Some of the teenagers listened to a Newbirth sing:

"Let her cry for she's a lady.
Let her dream for she is a child.
Let the rain fall down upon her.
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild."

Nadine quietly watched the generations of Allens a while longer before drifting away to drag a painted toe along the lake edge. She was given to plenty of day dreaming these days, wondering what life would offer when she moved to the "big city". It was a welcome thought like opening a door, and all she had to do was walk through. All her life she considered herself different. It wasn't so much that she was special, everyone was special. It was more a feeling that something was missing, and that something was quite different from the something that made her girlfriends spend hours in the mirror making up for their dates. It was the something that made her listen more than speak, not wanting to miss its arrival.

Nadine's maturity and quiet demeanor sometimes caused others to think she was a moody or stuck up child. Hell, even her mother said it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for. Still she was popular, considered nice and kind by those she met. She'd inherited her mother's good looks and smooth, brown complexion, a fact not lost on boys who were always trying to "get with her". She'd grown an additional two inches the previous year which made her legs seem never ending. Nadine's laughter was infrequent but wonderful when it came. The large, ink black eyes were exotically lined by a heavy fringe of dark curling lashes. A deeper look into those watchful eyes revealed a soul devoid of felony. Gossip dried to ash on the lips of those who mistook her for a willing conspirator. And, when she lapsed into those thoughtful, brooding trances, it took several minutes to reach her.

"Girl, that Ames boy sure seems to like you," her mother said one day. Nadine only rolled her eyes and smiled -- the kind of smile her mother always knew meant the conversation was dead in the water. Her mother, intent on having the last word, usually mumbled and shook her head.

The evening air brought the fireflies and a thin whisper of breeze. Nadine loved night time. It was soothing to be dissolved and absorbed by the dark. People took less notice of her quiet ways then. She watched the lights from the homes across the lake blink on one by one. Often she imagined living in one of them and waking to see the lake framed by a big picture window.

The relations were packing up to go now. Did she want to ride with anyone? No, she had her own car; yes she wouldn't be too late. Nadine reluctantly took a wet, sour kiss from Uncle Sonny who'd drank scotch whiskey all day. The combination of sweat, alcohol, and citronella oil mixed in a funky way. His hand clung to the swell of her hip and lingered until Nadine peeled it off.

"Eat more baby, you might catch a man that way." The admonishment came with a wrapped plate of barbecue and a gold tooth smile.

Nadine watched the last red coal wink out in the pit and leaned against a tree. The lake was beautiful at this hour when the moon poured ivory milk over everything. She didn't notice when the woman approached her. It startled Nadine when she spoke.

"Please," the woman said, "don't be afraid." She laughed a brief, lovely riff of a laugh, like fingers sliding up the frets of a guitar.

"What did you say?"

"I just said 'hello'." The woman walked around her, leaving her in a cloud of freshly laundered clothes and powdered skin.

"Hi." Nadine watched her pick up a stone and skip it across the water where it caused a shower of water diamonds.

"Big party?" She turned toward Nadine now; her eyes seemed catlike and golden.

"Oh, that? No -- family reunion," Nadine murmured. The voice seemed to come from outside her.

"Ryan. My name's Ryan." The woman stuck a hand out and Nadine stared at it, the long smooth fingers and neatly clipped ovals. She took it finally, or rather, some part of her took it; it was warm and comfortingly firm, stronger than she'd expected. It was the first time a woman had shaken her hand.

"Nadine." Ryan? Isn't that a boy's name? The voice in her head was her mother's, but her eyes were her own. This was no boy she'd ever known before and the woman was something more than woman. Nadine studied the face, the high cheekbones, the light brown hair that hung long and wavy, curling at the shoulders. Strongly arched eyebrows framed a stunning set of golden eyes; the irises were rimmed in darker brown. The lips seemed stained a pale blush.

Nadine realized finally she hadn't yet let go of Ryan's hand and dropped it suddenly, as if it were white hot. Again the laugh came and it sent a message directly to every synapse in Nadine's body.

"Ryan, after my mother's maiden name. She was sorta ahead of her time I guess."

Nadine only smiled, averting her eyes to give some extraordinary celestial sight her sudden rapt attention.

"I've seen you around here sometimes," Ryan said. Her voice was even and quiet. Nadine saw the snapshots flick by: coming here to read, to daydream, to eat green apples. Oh, God -- the time she came here with Marcus Ames to find out what Joyce and Kima called "doing it." How it hurt when he shoved the urgent stalk into her dry little hole. How she concentrated on kissing him, tasting stale malt liquor and menthol, jolted by the keen pain of every thrust into the wound that never gave way to pleasure, at least not hers. She remembered the hot shame she felt the next day in school when all the girls knew she'd "done it". Past tense.

"It's late, I gotta get home, " Nadine said too quickly. Ryan's hand clasped her elbow.

"I didn't mean to scare you like that, coming to your spot and all." Ryan was almost whispering the sincere apology. "I just wanted to say hello." Ryan shrugged and had already turned away, wading hip high back through the tall grass.

"No, wait."

They skipped stones and talked for a while before hopping into Nadine's car to buy beer at the little clapboard store. Nadine said she wanted to move into a little apartment with a garden view -- in the "big city". She'd scrimped and saved exactly $5,000 for college; she wanted to be a writer. The words came easily and Nadine relished parting with them. For her part, Ryan confessed how she'd warded off the queasies during lab times by sniffing knock-off cologne. Between the cheap cologne and formaldehyde, she was sure her nose hairs were fried.

Ryan lived in one of the houses across the lake. She was 22 and newly graduated from college. At summer's end she too planned to move to the city and start her first nursing job. Until then, she was determined to enjoy every last minute of summer.

It was three in the morning before Nadine realized they'd been gabbing for hours. She'd have to sneak in the house. Her mother slept hard though, so it wouldn't be too bad. Ryan was smiling, her head lolling on the back of the car seat. She touched Nadine's face, marvelling at its softness. Ryan's fingertips read the eyebrows, nose and mouth. She moved her thumb up and down, inside the cleft of Nadine's chin, cupped it gently and pulled her gently forward. Nadine felt weakened by the sweet invasion. This time she wasn't dry.

Ryan hovered close like a moth, barely touching her lips. Nadine's mind swarmed with confusion as she looked into those cat eyes. Ryan's mouth was saying something and her eyebrows formed a question, but Nadine heard none of it. Ryan took her time finding Nadine's mouth, slowly harvesting her lips. Then she sealed Nadine's mouth with her own, soldering her with a warmth she'd never known before. Only when they'd exhausted their lips' possibilities did Ryan seize her tongue, steal her air. This was really kissing, Nadine thought; the sweet advance and retreat that gave way to more urgent war.

Ryan's fingers wove into Nadine's thick hair and raked her scalp. But then, too soon, the kiss was over. In numbing silence she watched Ryan scoot across the vinyl seat and shut the door. Suddenly the words that had rushed seemingly non-stop only moments before, calcified in Nadine's throat. This must be what it's like to slowly lose your mind.

Ryan turned her smile on Nadine again.

"Get home you," she whispered through the window.

"But...."

"Shhhhhh. I'll meet you here around noon and we can drive into the city."

Nadine didn't sleep much for many nights that summer. She was about to bust with the wonderful secret she knew she could never share. Her mother would say it was unnatural and make her talk to Reverend Booker. Her brother, Thomas, who'd recently renamed himself Raheem, would say it was an aberration visited upon the black race by the white devils. Raheem was always full of such nonsense. Frequently, he changed his name to suit his philosophy. This week, however, pork ribs were still a staple at his table and the Dow Jones average suited him just fine.

As for Joyce and Kima, they would spread the word so fast that by nightfall the whole town would know three versions of it. She knew this because she'd learned recently why her cousin Snooky was packed off to a college far away. Silence may be golden but it was also maddening.

Nadine was falling in love, getting drunk on it. The world seemed wonderfully changed now and Nadine's smiles became more frequent, causing her mother to say she must have found "the right one." The two women read D.H. Lawrence out loud and took drives in the hills, hanging out, kissing for hours until kissing became an adjunct unto itself. Ryan shared Nadine's love of night time and one night brought an indian blanket to spread out under the stars. They found Orion leaning on his sword and traced the face of Venus done up in bright Kabuki. They also found the nova of Nadine's first orgasm. Nadine's eyes fluttered open when Ryan cried out, and then she too surrendered until they drifted back to earth. By the time the dew settled on their bodies, they'd discovered a whole country of new things.

"I didn't mean to scare you like that," Ryan breathed in her ear, and they laughed.

Shelby Travis' e-mail address is unavailable.

Click here for a list of all of Shelby Travis'  Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.