Sapphic Voices Romance

The First Girl

I'm sitting down on a bench under a tree where I sit every day during the break. I lay an English book on my knees, so I can pretend to read. But in actual fact, I'm looking at her. She stands only few feet away from me with her friends and laughs.

What does she look like? Some people say: "She looks like an angel." Or, something like that. But, when I look at her, I see fire. She has long black hair that lays on her shoulders. I think I have never seen her with a ponytail before, she always has her hair down. Although I'm sure that another hairstyle would look good on her, too. Her eyes are mostly covered with black eye shadow, but this colour makes her blue eyes just more beautiful. They shine like the moon in the night. She never wears a lipstick and she doesn't need it - her lips are naturally dark red and they look so seductive. But really beautiful she becomes in the springtime, when the freckles cover her face. At this time, I can't look away from her.. it's like she put a spell on me.

What's her name? A long time, I didn't know it, so I sat here on this bench, looked at her and thought: what name could fit to her? Nancy? Nicky? Laura? Or maybe Monique? Not a very long time ago, I heard her friends call her Jackie. I suppose her name is Jacqueline. This name describes exactly her whole beauty. Because of this name, I can't sleep at night. I lie in my bed and when I close my eyes, I see her face, her blue eyes, her smile. She is in my dreams. Only there, I'm completely happy. Only there she loves me, she needs me, she kisses me. Only in my dreams, she belongs to me. There are only me and her. Without her noisy friends, without our problems, without the rest of the world. Only the two of us. Sometimes we dance. I hold her in my arms and breathe in her scent. The scent of her soft skin. And only in my dreams I can touch her. And her skin feels like blossoms on my fingertips. So soft and beautiful. It's a pity that it's all only a dream...

Sometimes when I feel bad, I wanna forget all my fear and go to her, tell her what I feel, ask her for a date... And then I stand up and go in her
direction. And I come closer to her and she notices me, like she already knows what I'm about to say. That's why I get nervous. That's why I slow down. And then
I'm too slow. Her friends distract her from me and she starts to laugh with them again, she forgets me. And I go pass her, not able to speak to her anymore. And I understand that I lost my chance. This happens often, but I'm sure - someday I will have enough courage and I really will speak to her and tell her what I feel...

I often ask myself: does she know who I am? Does she know my name? Does she recognize me when we go pass each other in the school? What does she think about me? Does she like me? Or maybe she hates me? Maybe she already knows what I feel about her and she thinks I'm disgusting? I don't think I'll ever get the answers to this questions, but maybe it's better that way.

I'm still looking at her. Now she's lighting a cigarette. Even when she smokes she looks so gorgeous. I wonder what are her hobbies? Maybe she likes to dance? She has a perfect figure for that. Or maybe she likes to paint? Like me. Maybe she likes to draw people with their different faces, like me? Or maybe she likes to sing? I'm sure she's got a thousand talents that I don't even know about.

She turns her head into my direction and now she's looking at me, too. She does this because she can feel my eyes on her face. She looks at me as if she can hear my thoughts. I wonder if she would like them. Probably not. The sun shines her directly in the eyes and she blinks. I can't look away, she's so beautiful. I even forget to breathe. I wish I could take a picture of her right now, so I could forever hold on this beauty and never forget it.

I'm still looking at her and she smiles. She smiles at me. This is the first time, she never smiled at me before. This smile means to me a lot. It's like it says: "I know. I know everything." It gives me more courage and I stand up, take my book and walk up to her. But what should I say to her? Should I straightaway tell her what I feel? Or should I first ask her if I could have a cigarette, though I don't smoke? I'm now so close to her and she's still looking at me. She knows now that I'm coming to her and in her eyes I see confusion. I think I know what she thinks: "Why is this girl coming to me? I don't even know her." Or something like that. I already open my mouth but can't say anything, because behind her, I see this guy. He covers her eyes with his big hands and she laughs. And her laugh is full of happiness. She says his name and turns around to see him. Then she hugs him, kisses him and says that she loves him.

I don't even stop, I go on past the couple and the guys around them. This happens not for the first time and I'm already used to that. But I feel bad anyway. I feel like crying, but I only brush away the bangs from my eyes and walk into the school building.

I know, I will never be with her. She will never hug me or kiss me, or say that she loves me, because she loves him. Yeah, maybe I have to dream about her all my life, but I don't care. I know that when she marries some guy I don't know, I will still think about her. Because she was the first for me. The first girl that I fell in love with. She forever will be my dream...

The End

If you have enjoyed Kattie's "The First Girl", then please be certain to e-mail her at  Katharina.Savlukov[at]gmx.de  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of Kattie's  Stories and Poetry at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.