Sapphic Voices Romance

Girl Like That

Part One

by R Brown
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Copyright © by R Brown, April 2011

As I lay there knowing we were over her words run around in my head ‘I don’t love you I want to and I wish I could but I cant’. Our bodies laying in a space that once was our sanctuary now separated us, I felt a void inside of me I wanted to reach out to her, how had it come to this we had been through so much together. I could never picture loving anyone as much as I loved her, she was my heart I wanted to reach out and hold her to pull her back to me knowing that I could win her over with an embrace but I couldn’t fight any more I had no fight left in me I felt as if I had spent the last three years fighting for her, for us and I finally felt defeated.

Our eyes had first met across a crowded room at a mutual friends house as a group of us had been celebrating the end of university life and stepping out into the real world, we were introduced by friends and we spent the evening in each others company she was stunning olive skinned with a trim figure, slightly shorter than me but only by an inch or so with grey eyes that seemed to draw me to her. I could help myself I gravitated towards her, I wanted to know everything about her, her voice seemed to hypnotise me. By the end of the evening I felt I really knew her and I found myself laying in bed that night thinking of her, Sam formed a vast part of my dreams that evening. The following morning I knew that she had to be apart of my life.

Arranging to see her again was the hardest part there was so much going on, moving out of the uni flat that I sheared with my friends and getting a place on my own on top of staring my new job. I was one of the lucky ones that had time off before the onslaught of normal hours began although I wasn’t so sure how I ended up in a Monday to Friday office job. I arranged a house warming and made sure that she was going to be there, as the night pasted and she didn’t show I began to feel foolish I thought we had really connected the night we met but I must have been wrong. As the night wore on I drank much more than I should have and gave up on seeing Sam again. I knew I was past the point of drunk when I saw her and I could have kicked myself for letting people refill my glass so often and for being nervous about seeing her again and drinking far to much. I tried to talk to her and my words came out as a blur and the room was spinning. As I look back on the evening I wish that I remembered more, I wish I could remember what I said to her to win her over, what I had said that lead to her being in my arms but no matter how I try I cant, maybe if I remembered what was said then it would work again?

I woke the following morning feeling very sorry for myself, that was until I stretched out and found Sam laying next to me. As I looked around my room I saw that clothes that I had been wearing the night before over the back of the chair in the corner of my room and I was wearing a t shirt and tracksuit bottoms, but I couldn’t remember doing it. I climbed out of bed slowly not wanting to wake Sam and to try and get my head together to make sense of the last events of the evening past, all I could recall was seeing her and vague flash backs of us talking. As I sat on my Sofa and looked around I realised that my flat didn’t look as bad as I thought it would, I stood to make coffee immersed in my own thoughts with the newly made coffee in my hands I didn’t notice Sam approach me, not until she was standing next to me asking if I minded if she had a cup a apologising for wearing my clothes. As I poured her coffee I continued to wondered how she came to be in my bed and what the hell had happened. ‘You look confused?’ she looked at me with a quizzical look on her face. I couldn’t bring my self to say that I had no clue what had happened, what couldn’t I remember ‘Struggling to remember?’ I mealy nodded ‘Do you mind if I jog your memory?’ I shock my head it seemed that I had lost the power of speech around her. She stepped closer to me and placed her mug on the side I felt my body shiver at the close proximity of her, her finger tips traced the side of my face and I felt myself lean into her hand and then her body was pressed close to mind, I felt her rise in height to reach my lips and as they touched mine I felt myself melt and I knew I was lost, lost in her, in the sensation, in the smell of her. My mind was racing my blood rushing I felt weak and then her lips left mine. How could I forget that feeling how could I not remember our first kiss, I opened my eyes to look at her still standing there in my arms, but still I was lost for words I stumbled over the word ‘Sorry’ before I pulled her towards me again and the feeling was the same I really had no chance I was lost in her.

There was nothing I could do about the way I felt for her, from that day she consumed my life she became my world I was lost without her in it I would wonder around like a part of me was missing until she returned to my arms. Maybe that was part of the problem I was so devoted to her I didn’t feel her pulling away. Months past and the time flew by we would spend evenings together satisfied with each others company on occasion we would allow other people into our little bubble, I drifted away from my friends spending less time with them feeling that it was time wasted away from Sam, I would change my plans at the drop of a hat to fit around her letting other people down along the way. My tastes change to reflect hers she opened my eyes to so many things I hadn’t considered before I wanted to be so much more when I was with her I wanted to be able to give her so much more. I pushed myself harder at work so that she could be proud to be on my arm I felt I had to earn the right to be with her, I felt that I wasn’t yet good enough. She had so much more to offer me then I had to her, the few years difference in our age at that point in time seemed huge she had done so much more with those four years.

We fell into a routine evenings spent in her home with her cooking and me letting her take control, the weekends fell into a similar pattern Friday nights in, Saturday nights out and Sundays lulling on her Sofa everything had a structure, but everything was on her terms. Not that I minded that I was so laid back about everything that it didn’t bother me what we did as long as I was with her on occasion I would make a suggestion on things to do and every so often we would do something that I wanted, all the problems would fall away when I was laying in her arms, I was happy and I didn’t want things to change. Every time she kissed me it felt as powerful as the first time, my legs would go weak and I would fall under her spell even more, I was in love and there was nothing that I could do to stop it happening. As we drove back to her home one evening having spent the day together things started to fall apart, she was snapping for no reason I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong it was a shock to me when she asked me not to stay that night I didn’t know what to do, she told me she needed some time to think that things didn’t feel right. I did what I did best and agreed with her and left, after all I didn’t want her thinking that we weren’t on the same page it would be worse if she thought that I was hurting.

When I didn’t hear from her the next day I felt lost without her, after all she was my best friend we had grown so close I would tell her everything she knew every part of me inside and out. I spent the day over thinking wondering what I could have done wrong or what I had said to upset her my mind was working overtime. I couldn’t get my head round it, talking to my friends didn’t help I seemed to have missed large chunks of things that had been going on and couldn’t keep up with there conversations and they seem very uninterested in my trouble and what I was thinking, I couldn’t really blame them I had been off the radar somewhat lately. So I did what I always did I went out and drank till I couldn’t think anymore it had always been a sure way for me to solve my problem and it didn’t fail me this time either the evening pasted in a blur and when I woke up the following morning I knew I had saved myself an evening of over thinking and worry so the knock at the door surprised me some what. I wasn’t expecting anyone as Sam and I planned to spend time together no one knew I wasn’t at work that day as I opened the door to Sam my heart leaped, I had missed her so much but that soon faded when I saw that look on her face and I knew that this was not going to be a good conversation. She sat down with me on the Sofa and I could see that her eyes were bloodshot and she looked tired, the words left her mouth slowly ‘This isn’t working for me, but I don’t want to lose your friendship’ I saw her eyes fill with tears and my first thought was why the hell are you crying, your leaving me but my love for her over took that feeling and all I wanted to do was comfort her I heard my self saying ‘Its ok just please don’t cry’ as I pulled her towards me I felt as though I was watching a scene in front of me not that I was a part of it, I drank in the smell of her the shampoo smell that I loved, the scent of her perfume engulfed me. I felt the tears running down my face before I could stop them we both sat there looking at one another and I simply said ‘we will always been friends’ this seemed to hurt her more as she reached to embrace me again I could say no more and didn’t want to lose her but I couldn’t cause her any more pain by letting her know how much I didn’t want this to end I couldn’t face the thought of not having her in my life at all I had to hold it together. As she kissed me on the cheek and left I felt myself fall to pieces, I had lost her.

The weeks that past were more that difficult we spent the same amount of time together doing all the things that we had done when we had been a relationship, she would curl up close to me while we watched TV, dance with me while we were out and stay the night in my bed. It was like we were still a couple but with out the physical side of things. Sometimes I would watch her sleep knowing that she held my heart and I could not let go of her, it was better to have her in my life like this than not at all. I found it hard to hide the way I felt for her and would protest that it was all fine when she would catch me looking at her asking if things were ok. I would find myself crying whenever I left her missing being able to hold her and know that she was mine, it was all staring to become to much for me but I couldn’t let go. I arranged a week break with a friend I had to get away, the sun would do me good and maybe give me the distance I needed or so I had though…..

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Click here to continue on to "Girl Like That - Part Two"

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