Sapphic Voices Young Adult

Fresh Air

The bus bumped along the unpaved road and I dropped my sketchbook. A boy, Robby, across the aisle reached to pick it up. “No!” I yelled. Robby and all the people around us stopped to stare at me. I can see it on his face, on all their faces, the same thing on everyone’s face after speaking with me. ‘Freak’ they thought. But he only mumbled “God, I was only trying to help” Turning away, girls giggled and boys laughed quietly, “freak”. ‘As if I can’t tell’ I thought, but looked away.

Retrieving my sketchbook, I settled down to my thoughts once again. ‘Curse my parents. How could you send me here? I was good, quiet, respectful. I didn’t cause any problems. How do I deserve this?’ My mom knew how bad I was with people but she had sent me here anyway. “Honey that’s my point, a girl your age needs excitement, adventure, friends. Sweetheart you’re not making any here, so maybe you will at camp. Maybe you just need some fresh air. And you know what they say, honey, practice makes perfect. This could be just the experience you need.”

She’d ended it with her perfect smile, the one that showed her teeth in just the right way and turned to finish her bake sale brownies. And of course my father couldn’t care less about what I did for a month and agreed, as he always did about things regarding me, with my mother. ‘Of course my mother doesn’t understand,’ I thought, ‘the prom queen and cheerleader of her school. Beautiful. Friendly. Housewife to a very successful and handsome lawyer, She’s perfect’ I thought ‘she doesn’t, she couldn’t, understand me.’

Lena had the same long honey brown hair and expressive grey eyes as her mother. Their full lips and high cheekbones coupled with their large chests made both women beautiful by anyone’s standards. But she wore baggy black clothes while her mother wore tight, revealing midriffs. That and the way that her mother seemed to live on conversation while she shied away from it made the two women completely different.

The bus came to a shuddering stop and she was jolted out of her thoughts. The bus door opened and more people stepped on to the bus. I automatically scanned the available seats and despairingly realized there weren’t enough seats up ahead for the two girls with an I-pod in their ears. One of them would have to sit with me. I hoped I had miscalculated but one of the girls high pitched voice tinged “Is this seat taken?” I quickly shook my head and moved my bag.

The girl sat down and an awkward silence fell over us. Then the girl put on a bright nervous smile “I’m Anna. What’s you name?” “Lena” I replied. Another silence. ‘She’s was expecting me to start a conversation? Ha!’, I thought. But the girl didn’t give up. “What are you drawing?” Lena looked at her sketchbook, then quickly shut it. “Nothing!” Lena could see it on her face Freak “ok” Anne said. The girl sharing the I-pod with Anna tapped her and they started to talk. I sat back and again wished I could go home. ‘I don’t know anyone here. I want my room, quiet, peace’, I thought.


Soon the vibrations of the bus lulled me to sleep. I awoke to hands shaking me and an unfamiliar voice calling “Lena” “Lena” The bus had stopped, and Anna was there “It’s time to get off” Kids snickered at me as they passed “I can’t believe she fell asleep” “It’s only a 3 hour drive” and I hid a blush by bending my head so my hair covered it. I quickly grabbed my bag but stumbled in the process, causing even more snickers. I heard the hundreds of people outside talking and my heart pounded. ‘Oh God.’ I thought as I walked out and I saw the huge wooden camp rise up in front of me.


Instantly I hated it for its cheery camp vibe and wide open spaces. I imagined it burning. Spreading gasoline all around it, taking a match and watching it go up in flames. ‘But of course I’d never do that, ever’ I thought. Then all of a sudden there was a roar of a powerful engine, and all eyes turned at look at the new arrival The first thing you noticed was the car. It was the kind of car that no one but a car expert could tell the brand but you wanted it regardless, because it looked so damn cool. Then you saw who got out of the car and you forgot all about it.

The sleek black door opened to reveal an expensively dressed woman in shoes that were obviously out of place for the camp. She shut the door quietly and started toward the counselor in her 3 inch heels. The second person out of the car I couldn’t see but I heard the angry slam of the door. The woman walked past the now silent group of campers and up to the counselors. She began to speak and I found that she had a strong Brazilian accent. When I turned, the second person had started to walk around the car to the trunk. She popped open the trunk with some kind of beeper and when she came up with bags I got my first good look at her.

She was beautiful so say the least. She had olive skin and dark smoky eyes. Her hair, long and thick, was held back with a band that left some pieces hanging by her face. She was dressed more appropriately than the older woman and slung the bags with ease over her shoulder, closing the trunk. As she started toward the camp her eyes traveled daringly over all the campers, who quickly looked away. Then her eyes landed on me, Lena.

Her eyes were amazing and I got lost in them. Her gaze was first curious then smothering, and I finally had to look away. When I looked back she was still looking at me and she gave me a wink so fast I thought I had dreamt it. ‘Ohh god,’ I thought, hiding another blush ‘She noticed me staring and now she thinks I’m some sort of stalker freak. I hate people like her, I bet she’s perfect. She looks perfect. Calm and sure with an underlining toughness to her that would make her so popular. She’s perfect and I’m... Stop! I don’t need this now, not now’ I shook off my thoughts and lined up to get my cabin arrangements.

The older woman kissed the beautiful girl on both checks and spoke a few words to her. I imagined the woman was the beautiful girl’s sister because she didn’t look old enough to be her mother but still looked a lot like her. The girl responded angrily but calmly and the woman’s calm expression darkened. She said a few more words and walked over to the car waving a hand to the girl. I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t get a cabin with that girl. “Lena Farmakis” the counselor called, “Here” I said, I held my breath, “Anna Simmons”, and let it out. “Cabin 104”.

Names were called but I knew they didn’t belong to her. Sue, Lynn and Jessica were too common for her, and I watched out of the corner of my eye to see her say “here” to one of the names. She wasn’t just ‘beautiful girl’ she had a name and I needed to know it. “Allahandra Araujo?” questioned the counselor, stumbling on the hard to pronounce last name. “Here” she said, her voice a deep purr. ‘Allahandra, of course.’

I hated her name, the exoticness of it. I hated her beauty, her calm, her everything. I hated her, though there was no legitimate reason why. I hated her for existing. I hated her with everything I had. And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. The counselors showed us to the cabins and me and Anna stepped into our new home. She looked at me warily. “I want the bed by the window” “Fine” I said, something she would soon learn I said a lot. ‘She’d give up on me soon, they all do.’ I reasoned to myself.

The counselors woke us up early the next morning and I awoke with dread. I never was a morning person and had to be dragged out of bed. In your dreams you can be anyone, reality wasn’t so great. In the camp the seniors (people from ages 14-18) would have a morning activity followed by lunch. For the rest of the day we could socialize and do whatever we wanted as long as it followed the camp rules and regulations.

We would get partners that would become the partner we had for the rest of the month. I was dreading that the most. They said the picking was up to us but that didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t know anyone here and I didn’t want to. I would wait and the person left without a partner would be mine. I walked outside and everyone was already trying to meet their partner. Going from person to person, searching for the one person they could stand for the rest of the month. There was one particular girl who seemed to be determined to meet everyone, no doubt it was in order to find someone who was worth her time. She didn’t bother with me, with my black baggy clothes she knew from my looks I wasn’t for her. I overheard her name “Tanya”

I sighed and looked away, right toward Allahandra’s a.k.a. the beautiful girl’s face. She had on a smirk as she watched the people below. Then as if she could sense eyes on her, she looked at me. Her smirk disappeared and her dark eyes got that burning look again. I looked away but I could still feel her stare burning into my neck and I hid a blush. I hated her. We walked to the lake where the canoes were stashed and the counselors told us to partner up. Out of the corner of my eyes I watched as Tanya came up to Allahandra.

Obviously Tanya had sensed that she was the coolest girl there and was the only suitable choice for a partner. “Will you be my partner?” Tanya slurred in a bored tone of voice that said she already knew the answer. Tanya was the most beautiful and rich girl here besides Allahandra herself, surely they had to be partners. “I’m sorry, I’m already taken” Allahandra said back in the same bored tone. But somehow it didn’t sound snotty when she said it. The way her tongue rolled the sounds in her accent, and the way her full lips formed the letters. It was beautiful and I hated her more for it.

I didn’t expect Allahandra to deny Tanya her rightful place at her side and neither, by the look on her face, did Tanya. She stalked off without a word and Allahandra gave a quiet chuckle that tingled my ears. I turned my attention back to the rest of the people, looking for the poor soul who would be stuck with me. It seemed that everyone was already paired up. Anna had partnered with her I-pod buddy, even Tanya had settled for second best. ‘So who’s with me’, I thought, but I soon had my answer as I heard light graceful footsteps come my way. “Will you be my partner?” a sultry voice purred to me.

I turned and saw her, just the person I wanted to see most and least of all, Allahandra. Before I had time to speak, the counselor asked “The person you’re standing next to is your partner?” There was a chorus of yeses and the counselor marked the pairs down. Allahandra gave a lazy grin as if she was the cat had just caught the mouse. And just like that I was stuck with the ‘beautiful girl’ for an entire month.

They assigned canoes but when they came to us the counselors regretfully told us that there were no more left. Instead we could “get to know each other” I nodded and headed off to the benches. Allahandra followed and I sat down, her taking a seat right next to me. I sat there tensely, waiting for her amazing voice to talk to me, but for the longest time she didn’t say a thing. Eventually I got so curious I had to look, so I peeped from beneath my hair and lashes at her. The loose strands of hair around her face gently swayed in the wind and she looked over at the water with this expression I couldn’t identify, but was beautiful to me nonetheless.

My throat got dry and my stomach knotted up as I watched her. I pushed my hair out of the way so I could get a better view. She noticed the movement and turned to gaze at me. My heart stopped then beat so fast I thought I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I turned away but I could feel her eyes on me so I said “Why are you sitting here? It’s not like we’re really going to ‘get to know each other’ so you can sit somewhere else”

She didn’t say anything for a while and I looked to make sure she was still there. She was still staring at me and was obviously waiting for me to look at her before she answered. “I want to sit here” she said her eyes finding and catching mine. “With you” Her eyes were smothering and I found myself unable to breathe again. I told her I had to go to the bathroom and quickly left. All the while I walked I could feel her eyes on me, burning me, hurting me. I got into the bathroom, checked to make sure I was alone, and when I found I was, I finally let myself cry.

Silent flowing tears that had been welling up the moment I saw her, since the moment those eyes first looked at me. I cried for her beauty, for her voice, for her eyes. I cried because I hated them, hated her. I cried for reasons I felt but couldn’t understand. My heart felt so full, it hurt. She hurt me, it was all I knew. ‘You can’t stay in here forever, someone will notice, pull it together, Lena. Pull it together.’ I stopped crying and washed my face. The bathroom was dirty I noticed. It smelled and the floor was wet from thousand of dirty wet feet coming in from the canoes after falling in. I wished I was home.

Once I was done, I didn’t know what to do. ‘Should I go back out there? To her? I can’t, I can’t face her! But I have to. You’re being ridiculous Lena, she’s not the plague, be a brave little girl and go out there.’ I thought. I walked out and sat at a different bench. It was no use really, she just followed me there. I was so angry at her, so upset “What do you want from me?” I almost screamed “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” My breath came in short bursts and my face was flushed with anger but she didn’t look offended.

She looked at me carefully and said “Because I like you” I hated the words, hated what they did to me “I hate you, all people like you. I don’t want to be your partner; I don’t want to be anywhere near you. I want to be alone, I want to go home. But that’s not happening. It was probably the stupidest thing anyone done in a long time, sticking yourself to me. You should have gone with Tanya, she’s more you’re speed.” As I spoke my voice got weaker and I ended in an almost whisper.

‘I can’t believe I said that. I’ve never been that mean to someone before. What’s wrong with me? But then again, I’ve never hated someone more than I hate her.’ I thought to myself. “No one wants to be alone, not really” was her reply and I said in a quiet tone “I do” She looked away and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “What is it about me that’s so terrible?” She spoke so low it was almost as if she was asking herself “What did I do that was so terrible?”

She looked at me again, the question in her eyes and I knew she wanted me to answer. But I couldn’t give her an answer. My hatred for her was so unjustified, it didn’t have a reason that I could say. I just felt it, that she wasn’t good for me. I just felt that I should hate her. She looked at me for a little while more and then looked away, appearing to have given up.

“Well you’re still my partner, whether you want to be or not” Her accent was twisted in a cruel reality.

“I know” I said.

“You can call me Ala” I looked at her, startled and she smiled a half smile. “I hate the name Allahandra, it’s so tedious”

“I couldn’t” I protested.

“Please” she said.

And I did. We talked a bit for the rest of the time. She asked all the questions, some basic like “So you’re name’s Lena?” and some of them were almost deep like “What do you want most?” When it was finally over it was time to get lunch. The counselors apologized again to us and we all went inside to eat. You weren’t required to sit next to your partner but she sat next to me anyway, at a table that held only us. I didn’t say anything but I wondered why she was sitting with me, when she looked the way she did.

We ate in silence for a while. I hated eating with other people because I always had to think of something to say. But she didn’t look uncomfortable with the silence, so I didn’t say a thing, I figured if she was uncomfortable it was her own fault for sitting with me. I saw the other campers staring and pointing at us, their faces confused and disbelieving. I couldn’t understand it either, why she choose me. After lunch there was free time so I went to my room, got my sketchbook and went in search for a quiet place to draw. I found a little isolated spot that had a nice view of the lake. I drew a few sketches.

The one thing I thought I would like about the camp was that it was a great place to draw, but the water even in its beauty didn’t inspire me the way I thought it would. I didn’t want to draw the lake. But I didn’t know what I wanted to draw. Eventually I put it away and just stared at the water, thinking. I bet Alllahan... Ala was probably talking to Tanya about the freak she got stuck with. I could imagine her voice “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking partnering with her, she’s such a freak” and Tanya’s sympathetic slur “Oh I know. it’s so tragic, we could ask if we could switch” She’d suggest with a sly smile.

The thought made me angry though I couldn’t understand why, it was what I wanted. Eventually I got tired so I went back to the cabin and went to sleep. I knew Anna would come in, see me sleeping, and tease me the next morning but I didn’t care. The next week passed by so quickly. Ala didn’t change partners and actually looked happy to be mine. We sat together at lunch each day and each day she’d ask harder questions. Ones that made me think, ones that required longer answers.

After lunch I would always go sit in my secret place and try to draw. We talked more and more, and I found myself liking her. I couldn’t help it. I don’t think there’s a person alive who could hate her if she wanted them to like her. She was beautiful, charming and she’s got this energy that makes you want to be around her. Over the next week we did many different things. We did things like dodge ball one day and sewing the next. But no matter what we did I found she was good at it. I asked her about it, in an effort to make conversation.

“You know, you seem to be good at everything” I gestured to her perfectly sewn quilt.

“No, not really. I just tried and that’s how it came out” She shrugged and gave me her lazy grin.

I hated her for her perfection, but I was discovering that I envied her for it too. Maybe jealousy had been the reason I had hated her in the first place. I don’t know. The last day of the week we did wave gliding and I always fell off into the water. The last time I fell she caught me. ‘Here laying here at 1:00 at night, it’s all I can think about. Her arms, stronger than I thought they’d be, holding me. Her sweet breath on my face. And God, her smell, her amazing smell that was sweet and tangy and uniquely her. And that rough voice in my ear “Are you ok?” I’d wanted to stay there forever. I’d wanted to turn around and… Stop!’

I thought to myself. I got up and rummaged through my bag until I found my other, better, sketchbook and a good pencil. I sat on my bed and in a hurry drew that one thing I’d wanted to draw since I got here. I hated each picture I drew because none were perfect, but she was perfect. I couldn’t get her eyes to look the same, to have the same depth. I couldn’t form her lips and nose. I couldn’t get her hair to look the way it does now. I couldn’t make Ala, but I tried. I drew drawing after drawing, hating each one for not being her.

When I was finally done I had filled half my entire sketchbook with drawings of her. I looked over at the clock 3:47. I shut the sketchbook and moved it safely under my pillow. I got back under the covers and cried. I cried for everything she was to me. It wasn’t the first time I cried for Ala and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. The next two days were much the same. We did different activities and I even found myself laughing with her. It was so fun, she was so fun. So amazing. We would talk regularly now. The swim coach even had to tell us to shut up, we were talking so much.

We talked about stupid things and I loved it. But every night I had to force myself not to cry, I don’t know why. The next morning I woke up and Anna was still there. That was unusual because she always woke up early and went off with her friend. She was sitting there on her bed, looking at a book. Her face was one of confusion and I guessed she couldn’t understand the words. I turned over and found that my pillow wasn’t there. I looked on the floor, where it had ended up and finally at my sketchbook that Anna was holding.

“Anna” I said, my voice breaking. She looked at me. “Oh so you’re finally awake I see” I nodded and she turned another page, studying it from one angle then turning it sideways to examine it from another. I cringed. “There are a lot of drawings of Allahandra in here” she said, “More than half your sketchbook”. I looked away, What could I say, it was right there in front of her. “Are you a lesbian?” she asked. I looked at her again fast. “No, God no. Of course not” I said. “It looks like you are, so many pictures” she marveled. My face turned red, “It’s not like that, I don’t like her like that, she’s just beautiful to draw”

Anna looked at me with her eyebrows raised. “Whatever” she said and walked out. The cabin door swung shut and Anna was gone. ‘She’d tell everyone and they’d all think I was some kind of obsessed stalker. Ala, she’d hear about it and she wouldn’t talk to me anymore. She’d ask to change partners and I’d never see her again.’ I thought. For some reason that hurt the most. I wanted to stay there, to never face it again.

‘All these lies would be said about me and Ala. I don’t love her, I don’t like her that way. I’m not a lesbian. I don’t even know what I was doing the night I drew those. I’ve faced humiliation before. I’ve been the outcast my whole life. Just because people have found a new reason, doesn’t mean I’m going to hide, what makes it so different now?’ I thought. But deep down I knew the answer. What’s different now is that she’s important to me, and she could hate me. I got dressed and met her outside.

She didn’t appear to have heard the news and I got anxious every time she even went to the bathroom. I was afraid she’d find out. I couldn’t tell her myself. How could I explain to her that I’d drawn around 70 drawings of her but I didn’t love her. I couldn’t even explain it to myself. So I waited. Eventually she noticed my mood and asked me what was wrong but I couldn’t say anything. I was helpless, and I hated it. I couldn’t sleep that night. Anna came in late, she didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to her. But I noticed she didn’t change clothes in front of me like she always had before. It scared me.

The next morning was much the same. Ala didn’t say anything about it. But there was no way she didn’t know. How could she not? I saw the snickers of boys and the disgusted look of the girls. Everyone knew, someone must have told her and even if no one had she wasn’t so oblivious that she didn’t notice more stares than usual. It was impossible, she must know but she didn’t say a thing and I was too much of a coward to say anything at all.

When we both finished out lunch we sat there and talked. She had an eerie way of making me forget things and we had been talking all through lunch. She had just finished telling me a funny story about her step-dad. It turned out that the woman who had dropped her off was her mother. Her mother had gotten many surgeries and as a result she looked young enough to be her sister. She resented her mother but she had never told me why. I sensed that it was somewhat of a secret and had never pressed her about it.

The story was of stepfather number four and how she had caught him fucking the maid. It’s one of those stories that only she could make funny. She could make anything funny and I was still amazed at how easily I laughed around her. I quieted down and she watched me. She waited until I was silent before she said the words I’d been dreading all day. “So, I hear you love me”

Fear, no terror, erupted in me. The kind I hadn’t felt in a long time. “No, no, no, no. You’ve got the wrong idea. Of course I don’t. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not disgusting. I don’t think that way. They were just drawings I didn’t mean anything by them, I mean God no. I don’t..” she interrupted me “Ok.” I lifted my head to look at her. She was looking away, her expression was cold and hard. “I’m sorry” I said, wanting her to smile again. She looked at me then. “No, I’m sorry” I was confused, ‘Why should she be sorry?’ I thought.

“I’m the one that should be sorry” she said, “For being disgusting. Cause Lena, you might not be a lesbian but I am. And I like you, so I’m sorry.” She looked at me carefully for a while. I couldn’t say anything but I couldn’t look away either. I was trapped. Giving up, she got up and left. I watched her walk away and my mind was chaos. I couldn’t think straight. Over and over my mind echoed her words. “I’m a lesbian”

‘She couldn’t be she was too beautiful, too perfect. She can’t be, she can’t be.’ And I couldn’t handle the second part. I couldn’t handle any of it. I had no idea why it mattered so much, but I couldn’t or wouldn’t deal with it. I heard all the snickers and felt the stares all at once. And I ran away from it all. From the people staring, from Ala and her beauty, perfection and her words. But most of all I ran from myself and the drawings and the thoughts and her words about me, and how they made me feel. I ran from change. Everything was moving so fast. Everything was changing all at once and it scared me. It terrified me.

I reached my secret place and for the first time in months I broke down. Right there in front of the lake and the rocks I lost my mind. After pulling myself back together I found my way back to the cabin. There were many murmurs from the other people “dyke” but I was so tired I didn’t care. I couldn’t sleep that night and all I could think of was her. “I like you” And even though I thought I couldn’t fall any further, I cried quietly, all night long.

The next morning was awkward. We did a craft, but instead of the flowing conversation we once had, it was stunted and difficult. I’d jump each time she’d ask for the glue and I hated the distance but I couldn’t muster up the courage to talk about what was on both our minds. She didn’t seem to be willing to bring it up either. At least not now, maybe she’d bring it up later when we had some privacy. People were staring at us; I know they thought we were a couple because she hadn’t abandoned me when she heard about the drawings.

I felt their stares burning holes in me, and I wanted to disappear. I wanted desperately for things to go back to the way they were. Back to when nothing mattered. It was all so complicated now, and I wondered again, ‘Why can’t things ever stay the same?’ After lunch we walked our trays to the trash “I want you to come somewhere with me” she said, her eyes serious.

‘This is it, she’s gonna ask. She’s gonna want to know how I feel about what she said. No, no, please not now. The truth is, I have no idea how to answer her. When it comes to that last sentence, I’m lost, confused. I didn’t know what to say, and I still don’t. I can’t think about it and I don’t know, I just don’t know.’ I thought to myself. But I agreed and we took a winding path to a beautiful cabin. It was obviously the best cabin here and I found out that it belonged to her. Ala’s mother sent her here with “You need to have a real American experience, darling” but her mother still wanted her to have the best so she insisted the camp give her the best cabin they had, alone.

“Some camp experience right?” she smiled. I smiled back and she showed me in. The place wasn’t very decorated but it was clean and bigger than the rest of the cabins so it was nice. She walked over to the bed and sat on it, gesturing for me to follow. I did reluctantly, but I was uncomfortable being anywhere near her and a bed. “Do you know why my mom sent me here?” It seemed like a safe subject, so I shook my head no.

“In the beginning of last year I realized I loved my best friend, I confessed and she said she loved me too” she gave a half smile at the memory, “anyway we had been going out a while when my mom caught us, she was disgusted and couldn’t deal with me, so she sent me to boarding school. I spent the rest of the year there. My girl... Lise she was devastated but she’s convinced herself it was just experimentation. That I was just a passing thing. She has a boyfriend now. But it wasn’t like that for me. After her I realized I always had, and always would like women.”

She looked at me and I didn’t say a word, I didn’t even look at her, I couldn’t. But I could feel her eyes and I wanted to look. “I can’t wait anymore” she said in frustration “I need to know” she waited for my answer and still I said nothing. She cupped my face and my breath caught. “I like you, so much” she said in a tormented whisper. She eyes tried to catch mine but I wouldn’t look, so she kissed me.

Her full lips touched my own in a feeling that was both passionate and tormented. The sensations she caused threatened to drown me and I gathered all the strength I had to push her away. She looked at me and her eyes, burning into me, lowered to my lips. “Forgive me” she said and she kissed me again. Her soft lips, delicious scent and questing hands threatened to drown me and I let them win, what other choice did I have? All my strength was gone and even if it wasn’t I’m not sure I would have pushed her away. Her tongue danced with mine and I lost myself to her. Lost all will to stop. It was everything I wanted, perfect in every way. Beautiful.

I left her cabin at 12 o’clock. After, we had lay there together, her stroking my hair and my skin. I was late for curfew, which was at 11 o’clock. The counselor would yell at me for being late. She’d give me a lecture on the importance of curfew and ask me where I’d been. What could I say, I’d been with Ala doing.. With those words my mind gripped what had happened, what I had just done and my world came crashing down all around me. I thought I had run before. In my secret place I thought I had broken down before. I thought I knew what it was to lose you’re mind, but I didn’t know. Nothing compared to this. But eventually I feel asleep, right there on the rocks by my secret place.

When I woke up it morning, around 6, I’d say. I’d had a rough sleep, tossing and turning all night long. I knew I’d be in even more trouble for never coming back to the cabin. It was around time to go to the morning activity and I knew people would just start to realize I was gone. Or maybe Anna had told the counselors last night that I wasn’t in, but for reason I doubted that. I knew I should go. My hair was a mess, my clothes grimy and dirty from my rough night, my stomach growling at me, but I couldn’t move.

Images and feelings kept popping up in my head. All of them about her, but I pressed them down. I couldn’t handle another break down, not now. Instead I kept my mind blank. Thinking of everything and nothing at all. I’d think of the water and how I learned all about H2O in school. I thought of the birds, chirping their morning song. I even thought of the insects, marching in their line. Anything but her. Around noon, I got so hungry I thought I’d have to go back, but I still could not bring myself to move.

The heat was killing me and I wondered in a daze if I’d die out here. The thought was funny to me. ‘Die, out here? Who ever heard of such a thing?’ I heard footsteps but the sound was so distant in my mind, I thought it was the heat, giving me dreams. But I turned my head and there she was, Ala herself. The last person I wanted to see. “This is a nice place” she said, “It’s beautiful, I figured you’d be some place like this” Her voice wasn’t angry, as one might have thought it would be. It was calm and thoughtful, just as it always was.

“You know, everyone’s looking for you, since about 6 or 7 this morning” I said nothing. “Is this about last night?” she asked. I closed my eyes and fought off the images and feelings her words brought back to me. I couldn’t answer her and she finally lost that calm demure. “I thought I’d never find you. I thought you could be dead somewhere! God! What were you thinking?!?” when I didn’t answer she walked over and shook me.

I couldn’t look at her and tears began to fall down my eyes, her hands dropped from my shoulders “I’m not, I’m not like you. I’m not” I said and the tears flowed down my cheeks. She looked as if she wanted to die. I sobbed quietly and she held back her tears. I guess she was stronger than me. She didn’t touch me. And she didn’t say a word. When I was done she reached in a little bag, I hadn’t noticed she had, and pulled out a food bar. She offered it to me and when I didn’t take it she put it on the rock. I could no longer deny my stomach and I ate it.

She turned away and said, “We’d better get back” I nodded and rose. She didn’t look at me the whole way back, and I wanted, many times, to take her and force her eyes into mine. To scream at her ‘say something, anything’. To find a way to get her to smile and laugh like she used to around me. Instead her face was set in a hard line that anyone that didn’t know her would think was beautiful. But I knew her, and I knew her face could do much better things.

We walked in silence back to the site. I was punished of course. There were no more camp activities for me and Ala was reassigned a partner. I had to clean every surface imaginable, including the bathrooms but they didn’t call my parents. I watched her and the little smiles she threw in Tanya and Rachel’s way. Tanya had gotten her Ala after all, she was now their partner. I bet she was happy. But I knew Ala wasn’t. I knew her smiles, and the fake ones she threw them meant she was only acting. I knew I could make her smile for real, laugh for real.

I was jealous. I’d never been jealous before and I found I didn’t like the feeling at all. The week went on that way and the counselors eventually let me off during the afternoon and night so I could go do whatever I wanted. But they still kept an eye on me at night. I had an earlier curfew than anyone. I bumped into her on Friday. She caught me as I was about to fall. I remembered her hands other places, running all over me, in me.

I shivered and she let me go. “Sorry” she mumbled and moved toward the door. At the door she hesitated as if waiting for me say something but again I could not. I could only watch her go. When I got off my duty, I went to her cabin. But I chickened out and was about to leave when she called my name, she had seen me. I stopped and waited, anxiously.

“What is it?” she asked out of breath, she had run to me.

“It’s nothing, I have nothing…”

“I haven’t slept for days” she interrupted me. “I keep thinking of you and that night, I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“I have to go” I said.

“But aren’t you off duty? You can stay”

“I’m tired” I argued.

“When are you going to face it, Lena? When are you going to stop being such a spoiled little girl and face the truth?!?” she yelled at me.

I cringed at the words. I’d never heard her angry before, but I knew she was right. The little pocket of my mind where I kept that night, wouldn’t hold forever. Eventually I would have to face it. The only question was when and if I’d face it with her or without her.

“Lena, for God sake answer me” she screamed.

“I can’t”

She walked around to face me, holding my face so I couldn’t look away. “Tell me what you want. Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me and I’ll do whatever you say” she pleaded. Tears falling from her eyes. Her voice broke as she sobbed.

I covered her hand on my face with my own. She cried and my heart broke. The dream world I’d been living in crumbled. I was hurting her. And no matter what I felt, her pain was not acceptable. I would not cause her pain. I would never see her cry again. I vowed, never because of me. I had thought I’d known pain before her. I’d thought I’d known a lot of things but I knew nothing. I now knew that no matter how much pain I had, it didn’t compare to knowing she was in pain.

When I took her hand in mine and kissed her, I knew what love was, when before I thought it didn’t exist. I knew now that no matter how much you wanted things to stay the same, they never did. I knew that beauty had a name, Allahandra Araujo. And finally, I knew what happiness was. In a way my mom was right. All I had needed was a little fresh air.

If you have enjoyed K.D.'s "Fresh Air", then please be certain to  Contact The Writer  and thank her for posting this Story.

Click here for a list of all of K.D.'s  Stories at  Sapphic Voices Authoresses.